Allen (allengator86) wrote,

I Learned to Stop Loving and Worry About the Bomb

Hello world.

I really really really really really meant to do a St. Patty's Day entry, but I slept through time got away from me.  (Loving the strikethrough stuff!)  Especially since I'm a big fan of the Irish (plus a little bit o' the green blood is inside of me).  The holiday celebrating the patron saint of Christianity in Ireland, or rather, the guy who was a major part of spreading Christ-love in Ireland.  And we, Americans, celebrate by drinking green beer......

Speaking of Christ-Love, I've got my second sermon lined up.  I started brainstorming ideas for a sermon, and I think I have an awesome idea lined up, on something my church doesn't talk a lot about.  It'll possibly be next month.

I kinda hit a low last week.  I'm just....well....I'm just not feeling all "I wan't to learn your story" type like I was a long time ago.  Honestly, I didn't care.  Heck, I'm about like that right now.  I mean my friends....people I counted on....people that I loved, they just...well....abandon me.  Thus the story of my life.  My logic says if having close friends in the end causes pain, then why have them?  If people just listen to you, and don't give a darn whether you're contemplating to quit work to persue college full time or move out of the area, then who do you have to turn to.  There are few, and I mean very very very few people who haven't let me down yet.  I have my family, well, mom and dad, and a couple others, but even those others, what's to say that someday they just completely leave me for a better life.  Don't get me wrong, I want what's best for them, but why do I feel crappy when stuff like this happens?  I would ask a psychiatrist, but they, like other people, just listen, dispense advice, and don't care.  I just want someone I can relate to, have fun with, and be deep with, but also be around with until I pass on.  Is that too much to ask for, world?  Evidently so, especiallu when most deny you hugging them.  So I like hugging people, so what?  No one else wants me too, it feels like.  Man, everyone sucks.

Now, most of that was out of pure exhaustion.  Now that I finally got my 11 hours of sleep, the world still seems heartless, but hey, that's what Heaven is for, right?  I mean if Hell is worse then what we have now shouldn't we be aiming for the true way to paradise.  A place where people care, pain is gone, and everyone truly loves each other?

That is what my next sermon is about.

Sometimes I feel like "Petey the Monkey".  Maybe I just relate too much?  Anyways, I just don't know.  Maybe I should just give up on being close with anyone.  Maybe true friendship is just a fantasy.  Maybe life is an illusion, love is a dream.  Maybe I should stop listening to "The Buzzcocks".  No, I'm not saying that I do not have anyone like that now, and I'm not discounting you guys at all, but I wish I had more.  I just feel like I pour and pour myself into relationships, and what do I get in return?  Sometimes, if I'm lucky, nothing.  It just doesn't seem worth it.  Does this mean I will be different now?  I don't know.  Maybe more pessimistic.  Maybe more cynical.  Maybe less open.  I'm just so confused.  I'm just.....I dunno.  Tired I guess.

And someday I will look back at this and call myself a moron.  Heck, I do that on opendiary anyhow :D.

Maybe I'll get over this.  Maybe life isn't as bleak as I see it as.  Maybe the world has better to offer than what is here.  Then again, I have a better offer from someone not of this world.  And maybe, I'm right.  I hate it when I am.  "I'd rather be happy than right anytime." - Slaughtibartfarst.

Anyways.  I have some cool things planned irregardless.  Hopefully those few who read this will find them partly interesting.  Sorry for the boringness.  This was just my "wake up call to the world" entry, and I bet they ignore this.

Will you be my true friend?

The Allengator


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