Allen (allengator86) wrote,
Allen
allengator86

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Despondent Dude

I have no idea what is going on with me. I don't even know where to begin. If you know me, then you probably know that I rarely dream at night, and if I do, its random. The past week, yes, seven days, I have had dreams....bad ones. In 2 or 3 I die a horrific death, and the rest result in massive ammounts of emotional scars, like living on the streets or people inflicting harm because of your religious background. I have NEVER had this many dreams in a row, or if I had, it was a looooooooooong loooooooooooong time ago. It's terrible. Good thing is that I don't wake up scared or phased, but the dream remains in the back of my head. Ick. Anyways, I have ALL of my finals today, all 4 of them. I already took my first one, and it seemed really easy, which scares me. I have a major one coming up, so I'm studying some more after I get off, I just needed a break. I have to do good on this next one....the other two really don't matter. After today, I am going to rest my head and do some fun stuffs, like play some video games. I am really not looking forward to Sunday. It'll be the last day I will see Aaron. It really sucks. It really sucks. Should I say it again? Why not? It really sucks. I nearly lost it with Erin last night, which I feel pretty bad about. She was extremely hyper, and for once it was sorta bugging me. She's been excited about it. She really likes acting and wants to do something, even if its crew....sigh. She really wants to do this, and I guess I should support her. I guess I just don't like the idea of her being out at night, killing chances of seeing each other, but I'll try to be strong about it. She really wants to do it, and its not like the Marryville thing, but it'll suck if I don't get to see her as much, but then again, I might just be being melodramatic again (yes, Sara, you were probably right). It'll just be for a few months, right? I really need to find a hobby. I get so dependent on her that I worry about myself instead of her. I feel ashamed for being so selfish. Its times like this when I feel like a terrible boyfriend. So I guess I'll support her, because she could use some fun stuff to do.

I've been doing some meditating and praying lately. Erin asked me to go with her to a service on Chrismas Eve and she would go to a service at my church on Christmas, so we could spend the holidays togeher. Well, her family now decided to go to her grandmoher's, which is great, doesn't hurt me, but I guess the deal is now void, since she can't make my service. I was really close getting her to go to one of my church services. I think she would like it, and if we get married, one of my major concerns is the difference in religions. She goes to a Methodist church, and I go to the Church of Christ. We are both kinda lost in our religions some, and I know she would hate to leave her friends, but I can't leave my church either. It has always been one thing I have sincerely believed in and has never really let me down. I do not have a problem with anyone, and I do not see any fault in the doctrine. Most of my friends would be shocked if they saw me as a more of a religious person. I never really talked about it much. Here is the site of the church I go to. It needs updated pretty bad, and I think I'm going to become the new admin of the site starting next spring. Its a pretty small congregation (somewhere between 15-25 per service, less on Wednesdays), and I have gone there all my life. Heck, it was the first place I went to after I was born in the hospital, my mom has told me. I will probably talk some more about my church some other time, but back to the main topic before I went off track, I wish Erin could try it, but I know how hard it would be for her to consider another church while she goes to hers (I actually have an article on this, but i would make her mad).

So amongst the finals, Aaron, bad dreams, Erin, trust issues, and the church thing, I've just went insane, and I went from being happy, to something entirely different. I'm glad I have this thing to dump my thoughts in a semi-logical order. If I would have told anyone how I felt last night, it would have been nasty....I just needed some sleep. Heck, this isn't even completely describing my thoughts, but I am on a time constraint, and I really don't feel like talking about them again. It would be too much of a redundancy on my part. On here and with peoples reading it.

I just pray that I get out of this. Its not that I am going it alone, but its hard to go through it, no matter who is with you.

Maybe this is all just stress.

I wish everyone best wishes for the week.

The Allengator
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