My Apologies to Hallmark....
....but I have to get something off my chest. I am annoyed by what yoy call "Hallmark specials" on TV. They rub me kinda the wrong way. It's just very predictable, especially this time of year, and it annoys the stuffing out of me. So, in the best interests of America, as well as the world over, I will condense nearly every show you have ever aired on what I call "The bloody Eye Network" (Don't ask. Will explain at a late date). Yes, I might steal most of your viewing public and ruin the magic for the people wanting a god cry, but I can't let this injustice go on forever. So here we goes:
Da da dadada daaaa daaa dadada daaadaaaaa "Welcome to Hallmark Cryfest (insert year here). We hope you just enjoy our program and give us moneys. And now, here is every show we have ever done!
*Opening credits with sappy music*
Voiceover: What is the true cost of living. I remember when I was a young boy in the hoboken town of Whatever, Ohio, and it was a small town bustling with people who are overly emotional. Our hometown hero has left us all to wallow in our self pity, especially for Gorgeous Actress #1, and it hasn't snowed in 30 or so years. This is my tale.
Voiceover: When I was little I would go mooch of some old lady on Cruddy Street. She would give me cookies, ride a pony, and piano lessons every Tuesday, and the townfolk were ok with that. That is how it always was, until.....
BUY OUR CARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gorgeous Actress #1: We must get ready for our towns celebration of Crappy Traditional Celebration Ms. Voiceover.
Teacher: See ya next Tuesday.
Voiceover: Ok Ms. Acts-Like-My-Real-Mom. Whats wrong, Mom.
Gorgeous Actress #1: I just feel nauseous. I'll be ok.........
(cancer/long term life-ending disease looms. Cue sad music. Fade out.)
Announcer: And now some commercials.
Boy: Mom, I punched a kid in the mouth, then apologized and gave him a Hallmark card.
Mom: I am proud of you, my son.
Announcer: And now back to our show.
Voiceover: So as we were preparing for Crappy Traditional Celebration. We had a suprise come our way.
Hometown Hero: My crimminal record just cleared and now I am back home with my true friends.
Gorgeous Actress #1: Try not to look interested....try not to look inteterested.......
Hometown Hero: Gorgeous Actress #1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gorgeous Actress #1: (overly cheery) Hometown Hero! How was the big city?
Hometown Hero: I skipped it. I am totally going to stay in Whatever, USA forever, so I can find true love in the form of you!
Gorgeous Actress #1: Let’s Date.
Voiceover: What about me? Anyways, somehow we see what happens on their date because I sneak around the potted plant in the fancy restaurant, because it’s normal for a small town to have one of those. A few months later…..
Hometown Hero: How’s the preparation going for the Crappy Traditional Celebration?
Gorgeous Actress #1: Great, now that I have some “help”.
Voiceover: (cutely) When are you two getting married?
They get married as suggested by a 5-year old. They cry. Scene next.
Doctor: I’m afraid I have some bad news. It looks like you will never have a child again because you’re dieing of a cancer/long-term life-ending disease. You have two months and another hour and a half of this movie to die.
Gorgeous Actress #1: Well pull out my hair and give me a cruddy looking blanket!
Gorgeous Actress #1 will now be known as, pretty old and not-so-gorgeous actress #1, or think of her that way.
An hour goes slowly by as the townsfolk hears that one of their own is dieing. The get overly emotional, especially Hometown Hero. Voiceover runs away to some location that she and Gorgeous Actress #1 went to a lot. Eerily, Hometown Hero knows where she went to, talks to her, and she goes back home to her now-gasping Gorgeous Actress #1.
Gorgeous Actress #1: The world needs more…..
BUY OUR CARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gorgeous Actress #1:……………………..love.
Gorgeous Actress #1 dies.
Voiceover: So we finally had the Crappy Traditional Celebration, that turned into more of a memorial for Gorgeous Actress #1’s life.
Christmas music, for whatever reason, plays.
Voiceover: So years after, Hometown Hero died, which is supposed to be artistic or something, and that’s why I waste two hours of your time telling about why I am overly emotional this time of year, and I in no way am questioning whether I have this cancer/life-long life-ending disease myself…………..
Announcer: Thank you for watching our
commercials presentation. Join us next time for pretty much the same thing!
Hallmark, I only do this because....I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!................