Allen (allengator86) wrote,

I've Been Solomned

Ok, so maybe I didn't spell that word right, but that doesn't matter. What matters is what I say now.

These past few months, especially days, have been very hard on me. I had given up on life, love, hope, amongst other things, and because very desensitized. I have been bitter, in some cases rude, and just someone I shouldn't be. No, this is not an apology, it's just a realization I came to, and not because of words that were said to me. It was because of my own words.

When I blog on here, or make comments on other's sites, I never intend to hurt or be mean or rude, but it comes out that way. I'm not that kind of person. I would be sappy, but sappy is boring IMO and sensitivity gets old after a while. Yes, I complain about crazy drivers, work, and other matters, but I am doing 99% of it out of light, heartedness. Not saying I don't feel the way I do on there, but it is not meant to be taken seriously. I rarely do somethign serious. I try to make people happy and laugh. Sometimes, when I do say something, it's something I said to several people, and they laugh or smile at it. It makes me feel good, and I post it on here to hopefully get the same reaction, but I rarely do, and sometimes, it is taken horribly wrong. If you do take it horribly wrong, I'm sorry, but if you knew me, and truly knew me, you know I wouldn't mean that stuff.

Should I stop blogging then? Nah. I suck at paper journals, and I'm too lazy to press "private" on my entries, and maybe people will learn something, or be entertained. That is my goal.

Why am I saying all this? Well, despite what some would feel, it was not due to what anyone said. Ok, I take that back, it was due to stuff I said, not necessarily on here.

Around a week ago, we were sitting in a classroom, just a few guys, and we were talking, and I made a comment that was taken the wrong way, but it was kinda meant to be taken wrong to be funny. One of the guys said "I can' believe you just said that, of all people." I didn't either. I do not wish to repeat it on here, but it wasn't a swear or something, but it was mildly inappropriate. A guy joke as some would call it. I sat there and thought, "why would I ever say anything like that?" I had no answer. I decided maybe it was a fluke, a slip. Wednesday come, and as few know, it was a very painful day for me, emotionally. I walked into a classroom and this guy that is annoying/rude to everyone, including yours truly, was talking, as always. He asks, for th umpteenth million time as I walk in with the lapster, "When is the longest you've been without that computer?" In a sarcastic tone. I replied, "When has been the longest you've gone without making a smart*bleep* comment." I swore. One word. I was hurting, and my voice was trembling, because I did just come from a very hurtful situation, almost in tears. I sat down and buried my head in my arms, and he said "Well played. That was an awesome comeback, and I would not have expected that from you." Again, I was out of character for me. I don't swear, I swear. The harshest word I use nowdays is crap. I just felt worse and worse. I realized the past few weeks have not been ones I'm proud of. I am ashamed to even be considered to be called a Christian.

I have done so many things I am not proud of the recent months, like a spiral staircase going downward. I faced temptation, and it beat me. It exposed my greatest weakness, and exposed it, and my mental state was crashing more than ever, and I was becoming the polar opposite as what I need to be, what I desire, what God desires. I have not felt like I deserve to be at church the past couple weeks, because of the way I've been, and to many, that is a shock coming from me, as I am so layed back and carefree, but I've just been masking my emotions around almost anyone except on person who is very close and dear to me, and a few friends. I don't deserve them either. One told me last night that she thanks God for m everyday. I told her the same, which is true, but why am I considered special when I feel like a major sinner? I have no answer for that.

I am going to conenct back to God and what he wants. What is in that book of life. The past is gone, whats done is done, and I can't change a thing, but I wouldn't. What happened brought me here to this moment, realizing that I need to be a more righteous person. I need to resist temptation and sin. I need to resist becoming a regular sinning man. I need to become more Christ like, because the name Christian means that. I am going to finish my unfinished sermon, and I am going to all I can in word and deed. I want God and Jesus to be proud of me, so I can truly earn that title, and join them in heaven.

For anyone who cares, I'm sorry if anything I have done has been wrong in your sight, or even right, but if God didn't want me to do it, I'm sorry. I am going to work on that righteous path again, so I can feel that connection. I mean no, it won't be a huge change to my blog, or who I am, but it will change how I act when pressure is on. I have learned many things within the past day, and a story a friend told me comes to mind, and if you want it taken off, I will. I'm not putting any name or gender on it.

This person went to a party and drank some beer and was lightl drunk, something they had never done. The person's significant other found out, and that person was dumped. The person was so upset, that they were driving, floored the gas pedal, closed their eyes, and expected the worst to happen. As this person raced on top of a hill, they saw before themself a funeral procession, and that person cried for what they just tried to do, and swore of drinking from then on.

That's how my life has been. I was on that hill and about to dive into the world of man, but I realized that it leads to death and everlasting punishment in hell, and I had to review my life and who I am.

So in closing, I will end with a scripture that I think fits well.

Philloppians 3:13 (NKJV): "Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead"

With that, I close.

The Allengator

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