Allen (allengator86) wrote,

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Just like all things, I hope this will pass

Ok, gone from really happy and hyper to the other extreme...I'm feeling kinda lonely tonight. Call me crazy. I mean I have Erin and everything, so I shouldn't feel this way, right? Ok, so she forgets to call one night....I don't care. Honestly, we noth have seperate lives, and it'd be selfish to expect to hear from her every day. I always hoped she feels the same about me. I just missed hr some, thats all.

Anyways, back to the beginning thought at hand. I'm not sure how I feel. I haven't felt this way for a long time. I'm thinking too much again...which, as my friends know, is not a good thing.

I found out that my best friend since kindergarden, Aaron, is going to the navy, which is neat, because its always what he wanted to do. I'm happy, but distressed, because....I'm just afraid for his life. I know I'm a worry wart, but I'm scared that I may never see him again, and after all we have went through...I'm just scared to read the newspaper one day and see a headline like "Local Naval Officer Killed in Battle" and see his picture...I need to learn to let go. I mean, I shouldn't expect for someone to be there forever...I mean I should have known that we would have to part ways some day...and I guess this is it. I hope he know how proud I am of him, for doing this. I have always cherished our friendship, and I pray that the Lord will grant him safe passage to and from battle. If we never meet again this side of heaven, may we meet in a better place after death. Aaron, you're the brother never had.....thanks for being there for me buddy.

Now that thats out of my system, thats just the beginning, of course. Well, Erin got back her ACT scores, and she did better than she thought, which is she's going to apply for Marryville college and start her degree...which is away from here. If she goes, she will probably only be able to come down here one weekend a month, if she's lucky. Its a great honor to do this sort of thing, and I know she will do well, but I would miss her too much. Heck, I can hardly handle the once a week thing we do now....I really want to see her more. I just need her. This whole day I was wishing I could take her somewhere where we could talk and just be together, but she wasnt home, so that wasnt a possibility. I missed her yesterday, so whats to say that 2 or 3 days would be any easier. Don't get me wrong, I have all of the faith I possibly can put on our relationship, even if she does go. I'm afraid that once a month isn't enough for me. I could'nt live like that. I know I can....but its this gut feeling I have. I know Erin will make the right decision, and no matter what she choses, I'll support her. I figure she'll read this and be like "crap, I made him feel bad." but that's not what I'm accomplishing. I'm just laying out my thoguhts while they are still fresh. Honestly, this topic has bothered me for a while, and I want her to do whats best for her, and not let her friends, family, or heaven forbid, me, influence her decision in any way, which I am sure will be impossible for her. I feel like I'm being selfish. Like the old saying "If you truly love something, you will let it go." Shoot...I hate that saying, cause I suck at letting go. Its her life, and I'm just another person in the universe. Thats all. I don't know what to do but except her decision, and that's all I'm going to do. I'm not going to talk about this anymore, as my keyboard is gwtting moist....

Amanda and Chelsea are graduating this year, and I know I'll hardly talk to them anymore, but thats life. I hardly see Jason anymore, which has honestly kind of sucked. I mean I still have Sara, Kaitlyn, Ashley, Kari, and David, but honestly, I hardly see those guys anymore. I mean we talk on occasion, but they have lives too, and as the years progress, their time will dwindle away to nothing. I wish eveyone of these fine people luck, which I'm sure I will say multiple times, but I thought I would just state that now.

So where am I at? I'm not sure. Just feeling kind of abandoned right now. Maybe its Karma? I mean, this sort of stuff has always seemed to happen to me sooner or later, not as much lately, but I used to feel like this all the time. Its life. Life sucks, as a general rule, which I follow quite frequently. I just wish I could keep all of my friends on a dessertd island, which has everything we would ever want, but mostly each other, but people spread apart through the years and basically abandon you. Like those stray cats outside my house. Someone mistreated them and abandoned them, so they don't like going near humans. I don't mean to say thats what I'm going to do, but its similar to how I feel. I mean I've had some serious trust issues before now, but I feel like the issues are even worse now then they were before. Was I not realizing the reality of life? No. It just hit me. Between Aaron, Erin, and the others.....its just evident....

........I can't type anymore........

The Allengator
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