Allen (allengator86) wrote,

I Guess This is it.

Ok, so from the way Erin's blog reads, I guess I'm a free agent again.

Um...I'm not sure what to think now. I honestly should have seen it coming, and I should have been a better person. It really was a long time coming, and I guess that we just put it off for too long. This is my fault, I won't lie. I kept on putting off this awkward subject for too long, and I should have treated it with more caution.

Erin has always been right. Everything she said in her entry is true. She has every right to be upset, and I have every right to lose her. I'm not mad at her one bit. I'm mad at myself. I'm going to be beating myself up on this probably for the rest of my life. Why? That's who I am.

I honestly thought that I was trying to understand. I tried everything I could think of. I guess I just will never understand the reason or the point she was trying to make. Lord knows I've tried, I really did. Everytime I felt like I had a grip on the situation, I guess I kept on missing. I just don't know anything anymore. I am stupid, and I guess that's the way its going to stay.

I'm not going to ask for anything back. If she gives it back to me on her own merit, well, so be it. Like I said, I'm not mad, just so-so. I guess I've been bracing for the worst, and it came to pass. My only wish is that the memories never fade. For now, I am just going to spend some quality time with myself. I will try not to linger on the reasons why this came to pass, because quite frankly, I think that it will just cause me to go into this deep dark hole of depair.

I really hate ending our relationship on such an awful note, but I guess it was severed nonetheless. I just want to add a few notes.

Erin, I will probably never understand what I put you through. I agree that God should be the most important man in our lives. I'm sorry that I could never be in that picture. I was not trying to hurt you when I said you changed. It was not an act of despiration, but just how I felt. I mean if you tried to look at the world in my shoes, you would see things differently, and I know I was way off base with the whole you changing thing. I did not mean it to come off the way it did, but it did. I just wish you would find it in your person to forgive me. If you never do, I understand. If you never want to talk to me again, I too understand.

Anyone that wants to date Erin, I will offer you this. Please treat her with the respect she deserves, which is everything you have. Treater like she is the most important thing in your life, because she will be. Please be kind and love her with all the passion in your heart. Please excell where I have failed.

What else is there to say? I do not have anything but this. I feel like the world's biggest jerk, biggest idiot, biggest loser, and for some odd reason, God still allows me to live. Again, suicide is not option, never will be, but my life just seems to not hold much meaning for now. Anyways, I will leave you with this, and if everyone hates me, well, I deserve it.

The Allengator

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