Allen (allengator86) wrote,

The Beginning of Our End?

I honestly don't know what to say right now.

I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to be cryptic. I'm not going to leave out names. I'm just going to get stuff off of my chest, not in a raging way, but I honestly think that I have no one that would care to listen.

Erin and I have been extremely uneasy with the other the past week and a half. At first, it was just me feeling alone without her. I mean I knew it would pass, but I had a pretty bad, for lack of better word, week that week, and then she told me something that really made me feel uneasy. After she told me this thing (ok, I know I said I wouldn't be cryptic, but I know I better be in this case), I was bamboozled, to be honest. I mean since she moved, no one else has entered my mind. No one. She has always been the only one I would even think about during the course of our relationship. I felt like I was losing her, and as soon as I shown signs of this, she said she needed time to figure out things in her life. Believe me, no one respects that more than I do, because I spent a ton of time for self-improvement.

Last night I asked her what was going on with us, and then she wanted to discuss our main problem, the fact that we both go to different churches. For those of you who don't know, I will give you a brief overview of the situation. I go to the Church of Christ and Erin goes to the Methodist Church. I went one time to their Christmas Eve service, and I was not too fond of it, to say the least. Yes, I am very stubborn about religion. It has played a major role into the person I am. When we had our spring gospel meeting, she decided to come to a service. She came the next night, then most Sunday and Wednesday evenings afterward. As far as I recall, I never, even in my wildest dreams, thought she would consent to come to 2 times, let alone more. She kept on telling me how she was uncomfortable with some things and now she doesn't ever want to go back. I thought she said she would come back before she was up in Maryville, but thats another part of this tale.

Right now, our problem is that we can not figure out a way to be happy with the current differences between the two churches. She does not want to raise our children in two different churches, which is fine with me I guess. I just felt like everytime we have talked about it, that in the end the result is that she is bending over backwards to work things out, and I'm being a stubborn jerk about it. I would say thats accurate. Something else that happens is that I get hurt, because she does get wound up in the discussion, and I honestly am at a loss for words. She will tell me how she disagrees with this doctrine and that doctrine that my church does. The only thing I will say is that the only way I would have said stuff is indirectly through my church. As far as I know, I haven't really flat out told her why I disagree and such. If I were to say anything, I would find the positive and same things that both our churches believe in. I never get the courage to do that though, because at that point I beg of her to keep out relationship strong. If I were different, I would point out stuff that I didn't believe in with her church, but I have never felt like the kind of person who "points the finger".

This recent time we talked about it, I just felt like I was being told what I believed was wrong. Usually, I would just ignore this in a couple of days, but this time, it feels different. This time, it feels like she want to put a final nail in the coffin that is our relationship. She just seems different to me now. Like I said, she has been going through some changes, which I don't mind, but now, it just feels like she is a different person altogether. I mean she came off to me as being more confident, but also like she was forcing me to think that she is 100% right. I know she mayn ot have meant it that way, but that's how I felt after the conversation. It just seems like her attitude is different, which was one of my fears about her going up there. She loves it up there, and I wouldn't want it to be any other way. Maybe this new personality was something deep down inside her all this time, and college helped bring it out. Like I said, I'm not against her changing, but when it comes to the point where I don't think I could recognize her if I wasn't there, then there's a problem.

I mean I have been to her xanga a ton, and it does feel a little awkward when I am mentioned little, if at all, like I used to, which is just a piece of the pie. I would get emails in the morning just to tell me hi and to have a good day, and if I didn't catch her, she would somehow tell me about her day, whether it was through her email or calling me. Now, I barely see her online and if I don't, its my loss. Yes, life is busy and I know her schedule is packed, but she would tell me at least something to help me through my day. I mean, reading and talking to her, I couldn't even tell you if she was wearing our ring. I honestly don't know. She hasn't used the gift I gave her after she moved, which I was really hoping she would. I just feel like...I don't know. Pluto maybe.

What about me? Have I changed since she left? I haven't been the same, lets put it that way. Every time I think I am doing better or I am close to normal, a wrench gets thrown in. Yes, right now I may not be laughing all the time like I used to, and I may not be as positive, but I may be back to my old self in time. If we break up, well, I might have more of a permanent change then. I really wish I wasn't going through this stuff right now, I really don't.

What now? Well, I honestly thing Erin believes that there is no hope for us, or at least hasn't shown any to me. Everytime I mention us, she gets into this whole "I really need some time to find myself" or "I just don't think I can handle it right now". In all honesty, she could be telling the truth, but to me, it looks more and more like and excuse. I know she doesn't want this to go on while she is having school start and everything, but everytime I think about it, it just looks like she's buying time or just does not want to tell me, because I couldn't handle it. I pray that she is honest with me about that, and that it isn't a ruse.

So what now? I'm not sure. No one has really given me any encouragement or hope that we will still be together. I mean everyone I go to seems like they just think that the relationship is doomed. I have spent many hours convincing myself that it can work, that there is still hope. There is a part of me that is always thinking about her. I am just desperate for anything. If I lose her....I will just never be the same again. Yes, again with the melodramatics, but I thought I had something this time. Yes, my first relationship was very short. I mean I look back at everything. I look back at before we went out. The time I did ask her out. What I went through in high school. Our midnight connversations. The point where we thought we were soul mates. Getting the nerve to get her a ring. Kissing, hugging, discussing, meeting new people, going new places, confiding in her, talking about our future wedding, what we wanted to achieve in life, our honeymoon, hanging out with her parents, everything. Call me a person who lives in the past, but that feeling was still there a week and a half ago. I love all of that. I would not trade it for the world. I still want it. The only person I see sharing that stuff with is Erin. I mean I look at people on the internet, at school, at work, and none of them hold a candle to her. Losing her....well, while it may happen, its just painful to think about.

The fact is that I still have emotions. If by some fluke she were to ask me to start over again, I would not hesitate to say yes. I know that won't happen, because like I said again, it seems no one has faith in our relationship except for me now. It's me against the world, and the world is winning. I just wish I could go away. I don't mean suicide or anything, but I wish I could pack my bags, leave everything behind, and go somewhere else, like Antarctica, where I can live alone. It always seems like evrytime I get close to anyone....I get let down. Maybe my meaning of life is to stay away from people and live alone. I really think that would best suit my life. I know I've said that before, with the whole hermit thing, but like my mom said one time, "It would'nt be a bad way to live".

I know this entry will not matter much to anyone else, because hey, people care more about themselves nowdays. I know Erin might read this, and think I am trying to guilt her into getting together with me. Not my intention. I just needed someone to open up to. It sucks how I need to spill my life to people, but I want to be left alone. Maybe I'm just full of myself. Yes, I have the best mother in the world. My family is awesome. I have my friends at church. I have God. I have Jesus. I am lucky just to have these, but I need someone. I need someone who will not leave me. Maybe, that person will never exist. All I have, is this stupid thing. My blogs. Blogs do not talk back or give you their life's story. They are just a way to communicte them to others. So as far as I know, I guess I'm alone for now. I just don't know what is going to happen...

Please, if everything goes wrong, remember me as who I was, not who I am. It's like I am writing a eulogy for my character. I may come out of this better than I anticipate, but like the pessimist I am, I doubt it. I was a person who enjoyed the simple things in life. I loved to smile, laugh, and be friendly to everyone. I was more outgoing and tried new things with passion. If I do not seem this way for a long time, please, give me a chance. Maybe after 80 years or so I will be back to my old self. I know most people do not understand or would even care about this one man who seems to have some problems with letting go, but I want to find someone who does. Please, I just want someone.

For now, until things get straightened out, please forgive any absences or lack of updates on here. I know I have done this song and dance before, but it took a lot of my energy to do this, and quite honestly I do not wish to do it much anymore. I hope to return with a more cheery attitude, but I guess the next few days will tell its story.

May God bless everyone and please guide me safely through the gloom

The Allengator
Tags: meaningful

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