Allen (allengator86) wrote,

Is Emo Short for Emotional?

Fancy meeting you guys here.

As I warned before, it would be a while before I updated again. Honestly, I haven't been extremely busy or anything. I just haven't felt like it, that's all. My new schedule is basically, go to school in the morning/afternoon, go home for a couple of hours of so, then go to work, then sleep. Not as strenuous as I thought. I also have not been made aware of any term papers or huge projects, so all I have to worry about is reading, doing homework, and keep up with labs. I guess I could do my, "rating the classes" entry later, and I might, I just am not up for much right now.

Do I sound down to you? Eh, I guess I am. I really hate the term emo, but it fits. I mean I just haven't feltthe same since Sunday. What happened on Sunday, you ask? Well, I would ordinarilly call you a moron and slap you upside the back of your head, but I honestly don't feel like it. Sunday, I went with Erin and her folks to move her up to Maryville. We went to Northwestern something-or-the-other, and went around the campus. I must say that it is a very charming school. I saw Erin's dorm room, met her roommate and folks, and toured some buildings. Its very impressive, and I know she's going to be happy there. I got to spend some time with her sister Emily, which was nice, because I haven't had the time to talk with her and everything. As the day went on, I was slowly realizing that this would be Erin's new home. I'll admit that part of me inside wanted to hijack the vehicle and send her back to Marshfield, then there was the other part telling me to let her go there and live her life. I hate it when there is a battle raging inside of you. It really sucks.

Anyways, some other things that happened was that her sister, mother, and I looked through some of the recent yearbooks that had some people we knew in it, and she was telling us how they changed with clothing and attitudes and such. I thought one of those people was sincere and nice, but he kinda ended up like a jerk, to be honest. It never really came to a head until he went there. Erin's mom and sister just treated the stories as just that, you know, gossip. I sat there and was wondering the same thing, if it would happen to Erin. In just the few short days there, I have noticed how happy and carefree she has been, and that's good. She said some comforting words the other night to me, and it made me feel better. Maybe not easier, but better.

I have been going around with this black cloud over my head lately. I mean everyone who knows me says they have never seen me this way. I just tell them that it will pass, just like evrything else. I tell them that the future still looks bright, and that I will be ok. Yes, that's not how I feel about the present, but hey, who really gives a darn, right?

The first couple of days royally sucked. I mean the drive home was ok. Tiring and high strung, but ok. After that, I went to bed, because I was extremely tired. The next day I woke up, and I felt like crap, probably due to lack of sleep or something. Then my mom asked me question upon question about Erin and the college. I should have just told her to not ask, but I didn't. After the Q & A, I dressed and went to school. I would normally be excited, but I wasn't. I drove all the way in silence, without any music or anything. I just wanted silence. Well, school came and went, then I went home and laid on my bed. I stared at the ceiling and just tried to comfort myself. I went to work and stuff. I mean I was at a low. It felt like some surgeon ripped a huge chunk out of my body and threw it out. Seriously. I don't know how, but it has felt like I have this huge hole in my soul. It may sound weird to some of you, and to some you will just nod your head in agreement.

Well, the next morning, Tuesday, I was leaving for school, and I had a non-collision, accident. There were these line of cars on the side of the road, perfect blind spots, and I looked both ways twice and started to go out, and this guy on a motorcycle was coming pretty fast. I quickly reversed, but it was too late, he pulled into the median and wiped out. I ran out of my car, and helped him up. He had this pool of blood on his head and it was dripping down to his nose. I told him to get it looked at and was getting ready to offer to take him somewhere, but he said it was ok and left. I just kind of stood there a minute before getting in my car. A guy from across the street came to me and told me that it wasn't anyone's fault, and that the guy wasn't wearing a proper helmet or something. He shared a story about a biking accident he had and I left for school, becasue it was the least I could do, seeing that the motorcyclist got on his bike and went off again. I mean that was the last thing I needed. I was a wreck. I went to a gas station to get me a capocinno to calm my nerves, and I saw the man's blood on my hands. I washed it off. I went to my car and went to school. All day I had that accident replaying in my was terrible. That image of that guy is probably permanently seared into my head. *Sigh*.

Anyways, the rest of the day came and went, so did Wednesday, with church being the highlight. Thursday was ok. I was starting to feel like myself, especially when hanging out with James after class was over. I also found out that someone I know is Bi, which is always nice. I went home and relaxed, then went to work, again. Went home that night, talked to Erin in which the nature of the conversation I will not talk about in case she wants to keep it between us, and after that conversation, I went back to being all sad and junk. It's kinda sad really. I hate it. Well, I would say "things couldn't possibly get worse", but I said that right before the motorcyclist thing.

Dear reader. Don't worry about me. I mean things can always be worse. Heck, I might be building myself up for something really bad in the future. I don't know. Truth is that life does kinda suck right now. I am still pretty sorrowful on the inside. I still have doubts, I still have fears. Thankfully, I still have Erin for now. Honestly, that tiny spark is the only thing thats keeping me from having a total meltdown right now. I hate to end an entry on a note like that, but honestly I haven't the time or soul for anything else.

Well, I know your week is better than mine. I'll still smile once in a blue moon, maybe....I hope next time that I will be in higher spirits.

Take care all.

The Allengator

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