I started to think about the fundamentals of a good relationship today. Then I meditated on something else. Why do I desire someone to love me? Why do I want a girlfriend? Why do I want it to be Erin?
Well, to find out the fundamentals, I go back to the old days, back in the day where turtles hailed their ninja-esque abilities in a sewer. I remember in third grade, I actually started to like the females more than most guys. I found myself attracted to their personalities and it felt different than hanging out with the guys. Well, years pass and I liked certain girls throughout the years, then something happened my fifth grade year. There was a girl. I think her name was Cayna. We hung out a lot, especially on the playground. We talked on what was going on in the world. We played hand games (ok, yes, basketball was too intense for me back in the day, sigh) and jump rope, and just had fun together. We would hang out after school for activities, spent many projects together, and we genuinely liked each other. I remember towards the middle of the year, she was collecting her things, and she told me she was moving. She hugged me and we exchanged out goodbyes for the last time. I remember standing there alone. I was crushed and sad. She left me behind and I was really affected by it. Sure, the wounds have faded over time, but it was then I realized that there is a special connection between a man and woman that is just special. I realized that I felt some special feelings for Cayna, and in the end, they were hurt. Well, like Jughead, I decided to go cold turkey on women. I kept my distance and protected my sensitive feelings. For a while, it worked.
A couple of years later I held onto my theology concerning the opposite sex, and the feelings came back again. Here is something I wrote on opendiary in 2004.
“Well, ask some girls out, man. Ok, i would, but i always have this feeling. one of those insecurity things. why do i have it? i didn't want this, i never asked for it. well, i am afraid because i am still trying to recover from the incident of 2000 when i asked a girl out.
Yeah, she told me no. I wasnt mad, just a little disappointed. somehow she got the idea i was mad, and we hardly talk to each other the way we used to. now we kinda avoid each other. (this is that one situation i often reffer to)
Everyone is like, hey man, you should ask her out. everone know that she likes you. i know, since you have no classes together, ill send her notes from you. cmon man, do it.
Well, i followed your advice and look what happened! well, after that i kinda lost track of my emotions. After that, i kinda became something i didnt want. I usually had this voice of doubt in my mind. after that i didnt trust other people much and i kinda flew solo. this was before high school. I forced myself to lock up my emotions and never to think about love again.”
I still remember that event to this day. I felt that connection once again, and once again it kicked me in the face. No one at the time had any idea what torture I was enduring. Once again I decided to put these feelings on the backburner. However, my freshman year, I went into this whole meditative state, wondering my place in society and life. I realized that I need a girl in my life, but will I ever find one? Well, another year later, I was very close to a friend of mine, and long, very ugly story short, someone beat me to the punch. Another one of my friends asked her out when he knew I wanted to ask her out, and I lost her after that. I haven’t even talked to her in years. I miss her. Then the year after I asked out another friend, but she already pinned for another guy. She told me she loved me like a brother, but not beyond that.
Rejection after rejection really gets to a guy. I wanted this special connection, and for some reason fate had decided that I did not deserve it. I was torn up inside. I wanted this. Everyone else had it, so why not me. Everyone told me what a nice guy I am and how great I was. I still couldn’t fathom why people would say that and not go out with me. So that summer I went on a trip to Washington DC with the band, and I connected with someone. After talking a lot, she told me that she desired to be closer to me. Again, another excerpt from my previous online journal:
“Whats goin on you ask? Well, I'll start about two months ago. Somethin happened. Obviously. Well, here goes. I was at the city park and I had a friend of mine come visit with me, mostly because i havent seen her all summer. We both met at the park and we walked around a little bit and we stopped at a bridge. We talked and she told me she was going to work. So we sat there in silence. Then I smoothly (as smoothly as i could) asked her to be my girlfriend. Some reason I was about to cry. Now me being a guy, and my inability to use tears as an emotional outlet, I did not cry, but the moment was so beautiful. Boy, I was shaking so much....I was nervous. It was like life was staring me in the eye or something.....maybe its those pills, haha. She said yes. I sat there in more silence. I felt alone, yet not alone. I asked her if she was sure. She giggled as replied, "yes." I was so happy. After that we locked hands. She hushed me. She told me it was ok. My hands were shaking, kinda like a car going across a bumpy road. She calmed them down a bit. I'm not sure if I was excited or still petrified of the subject. Maybe it was both. She decided to leave for McDs and we held hands as I escorted her to her car, still holding hands. As she was getting ready to get in her car, we embrassed in a hug. I wanted to hold on to her forever, but I had to let go. She drove off and I walked to my car. I had to park it in another section of the park. I was kinda skipping and singing out loud. Some teenage guys were doing something in the field below my car. I stopped at my car and yelled "YES!!" They asked if I was either drunk or crazy. I yelled I was crazy, to myself I said in love. That was the highest point of the whole summer. I was sooooo happy and for a few minutes I owned the world. So I drove down some roads listening to some of my favorite tunes. Oh man.....I was crazy. We talked every day after that. We talked about what we wanted in our relationship, more stuff about ourselves. I felt close. We only talked on the internet and phone. We had no time at school. The day after we agreed to go on our first official date as boyfriend and girlfriend, we split up. We decided it was mutual, but I feel like it was my doing. I felt like we were getting nowhere fast and I paniked. When it came down to it, I was afraid that I didnt love her the way I should love somebody I'm in love with.(Lots of love, eh?) I was afraid the longer it went on, the worse it would be to break up. A person shouldnt base a relationship just because they are desperate or just base it on emotions only. There has to be feeling. Togetherness. Love. In the end, I know it was the right decision, despite what other people think. I still talk with that girl, and she is still in love with me I'm afraid. I'm getting a scared feeling that something worse is going to happen soon. It doesnt mean I dont want to talk with her, she just needs to move on. I don't want to hurt her. I dont want to hurt myself. I dont want her to hurt.....shes too innocent. Way too innocent. And I think about the bridge every now and then. What happened. How I felt.....how she felt...how she feels now.....and the bridge......still beautiful. I was let out of work early one night. I went to the same exact spot where we first became a couple. I sat there. I reflected. In silence. I shed a tear, and it made ripples in the creek/stream/puddle below. That moment was so beautiful. She was, I know that. That mmoent will always be in my memory....always....she was my first girlfriend. The first girl I held hands with. The first one I did not want to let go for feelings. In my heart, she will always be special. That moment proves that love is possible in my life, and that maybe it wasnt what I expected. All I know is one thing, I didnt dream it, I lived it.”
She opened up my life. She gave me hope in my time of need. She helped me realize that maybe; just maybe, there is a chance for me. Well, I once again went through the cycle of discounting the feelings and resetting myself. The feelings were begging to be let out again, and I kept them locked up. Then, March came.
“Lets cut to the chase. I am having a wonderful time, such a nice switch. I now have...A GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!! She is totally awesome. Shes cute, funny, smart. She really loves me for who i really am. She cares for me, listens to me, makes me feel good, plays the trombone (BIG PLUS) and shes just everything ive wanted in a girlfriend. She actually has the story about us on her diary. Its on fairerin21 if youre interested. But i know she appreciates me and will never leave me. Ive been on date with her, held hands, kissed her, she kisses back.....its beautiful. we've even talked baout what our marriages should be like and even talked about what we want our families to be like. We've cooled down now, after discussing stuff. Man...I care about her so much.....love? I bet it is, im just too dumb to figure it out. I hope we can spend many happy days together. We've almost been together for 3 weeks, go us! But if youre reading this, I've meant all of it sweetie. This girl....shes great....and no longer single, so no ideas guys”
“For three months now, I have had the pleasure, no, honor of going out with one of the best girls I have ever known. We met back in September, and I remember one of my friends warning me about this really annoying girl I was going to see at jazz band. I didn’t think much of it, especially then because I felt I had to know someone before I judged them. If she would end up being annoying, then I’d label her as annoying. Well, we met for the first time and I didn’t know how to label her. She was quiet and seemed polite, so I deemed her as “acquaintance”. Well, we never got to talk much in the following weeks, but I felt I should try because she was after all my best friend’s girl friend. We then went on a trip to CMSU and we spent most of the day paling around and stuff. She wasn’t around my best friend much, so I didn’t know if they broke up or what. Anyways, that day she wanted to pretend to “flirt” with me, which I later found out was not pretend ;). After that day I labeled her as a “good friend”. We still talked a bit, then one day her ex boyfriend/still best friend asked me if I would consider going out with her or if I liked her or something. I can’t remember too well on that. I told him she has to ask me in person. Well, she didn’t quite do that. She sent him a note, which he tried to read to me before I went to work, but I told him to read it to me after I got off that night, being that I was strapped for time at that time. That night he read her note over the phone. I couldn’t believe my ears. A girl was actually interested in me? This wasn’t supposed to happen until after the apocalypse. Well, I went over to his house to read the note myself. It was word for word what he told me. She wanted to know my feelings for her. She gave me her phone number, which is ironic, because I asked my nest friend to give me her number at school that day before he got the note. Back to after the note. I didn’t know what to think. Sure, I got her number before I even knew she wrote the note, but I just wanted to talk to her more as a friend….maybe. Maybe I was wishing there was something more too. I’m not sure. I was still pretty screwed up back then. I called her that night and we really hit it off, and I knew the note was right. Those were her true feelings. I was an actual crush to someone. Something I always wanted. One thing was holding me back though. She seems a little too young, almost four years. I told her to let me think a while. If it wasn’t for her age, I would’ve had no trouble asking her out, but I had to think. What would my parents think? People at school? Many late night phone calls later I realized some things. 1) This girl was REALLY mature for her age. 2) She was definitely falling for me. No mean tricks or dares on her part. 3) I was definitely developing feelings for her, even if it were over time and I just realized it. 4) I had to ask her out before she got away. I knew I had to go for it. I reviewed my past track record of asking girls out. Failure after failure, with one past success, and that ended up being a failure on my end. I knew I had a good chance this time. So on the day we went to the Drury Jazz festival, we had some time alone outside. We sat around and talked, and we both knew it was coming. She even threatened me that she would do it herself, but I did it anyhow. Why was I nervous? It was just a girl who liked me, that’s all. After she accepted my offer to court her, we hugged for a long time. And that’s all of this exciting story I have for now.”
Erin has made me realize my true potential not only as a boyfriend, but as a person. She has shown me what love truly is. She has filled that void, created all those years ago. She released the feelings that were locked up inside. She has helped me though rough times, sad times, hard times, and has not once shirked from my side. She has been one of them most thoughtful, considerate, sweet, angelic people I have ever meant. One of the most “golden” people I know. Yes, she has changed me. I guess I have matured, and learned more lessons from this one person, than most of the people I know. I would do anything for her. I would go to the ends of the Earth for her. I would go as far as giving up my life to preserve hers. She is the most precious thing I have on this Earth. I would give up everything, just to have her. I am completely devoted, and I have not changed my view since she accepted my offer to date. I guess this is what true, real, unadulterated, pure love is. Not only do you want to spend the rest of your life with a person, but you would do anything and everything to keep them. I swear, if the two of us being together is not destiny, then I would lose more than my faith in life. I would probably never love again. She is my life. I know the past few weeks, and months to years to come will be excruciating on the two of us, but as long as I keep the simple things in mind, like my journey of realization of love, and why Erin is the one for me, we can make it. I have prayed for strength and love. I have prayed for her safety. I have meditated on why I have felt the way I have as of late.
Erin is the one for me. I am going to do everything in my humanly power to make her my wife. She has proven that love is something everyone should experience. She has opened up my small world, expanded my horizons, and most of all, filled my desires. We both believe the same route for marriage, which is saving ourselves until we are married, and it would be hard to find another who believes that. She has shaken up my world. She has yanked me out of the shelter that has been my life. We have spent many late nights exchanging thoughts and stories. She has given my life a purpose. She has inspired a lot of my blogging. She has given me hope. I can never thank her enough. The closest thing I have to thanks is asking for her hand the rest of my life. If she wants my hand, it would be the greatest honor the world could bestow upon me. I would not care about anything else. I would feel like the luckiest man on Earth. I would be the luckiest man on Earth.
God, I thank you for the person who is my soul mate. I thank you for the power of love. I thank you for the blessings you have given me. Thank you.
As for closing remarks, I want to thank everyone who has played a part not only in my current relationship, but has helped me realize what a gift love is. All the rejections, all the lessons, even all the way back in fifth grade when a young man had his first heartache, even that was worth it. As for Erin, I will never thank you a fraction of a percent of what you deserve. Please forgive me, but time does not allow me to spend forever on that. Anyone reading this, thank you for doing so. It makes this worth while to write, but I do it mostly for not only her benefit, but mine. Please leave comments as necessary. Please think on the things revealed in this entry. I can not even begin to express my heartfelt thanks.
And now, I end this entry, hoping some good will come of it. If even one person is affected for one second of reading this, it was well worth it.
May God bless.