Allen (allengator86) wrote,

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Have I Ever Fully Expressed...

My hate of changes? Yeah, changes happen, just like life. It happens. I hate it with a burning passion. My life was great, and you know what that means. A big hunk of karma goes flying my way.

Ok, first off,I'd like to say that I am leaving Stupid Fresh within the month. Its not a cop-out, its the real deal. I found another job that can work with my hours due to being open 24 hours.....those in Marshfield know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I am anxious, yet scared. I do get to work with Jason again, so maybe there is a silver lining.

Erin is going to Marryville after all. I was afraid she would accept the offer, and kudos to her for making it. Its a huge honor and she definately deserves it. As her boyfriend, I'm forced to support her. I mean, its hard for her to leave her friends and family. I'm 20 and I still haven't left my family. She's 16 and she's taking a bigger step than I ever have, so I totally admire her courage and determination. She's going to get a month off for winter break, roughly a weekend off a month, and spring break. I have to stay down here to finish college. I can't express how I feel to her, because shes too excited, and if I start up with the dialogue, she gives me talk about trust and supporting her. I mean I love her, so I have to. It would be selfish of me to keep her here. If you truly love something, you have to let it go. Why, God? Why have you given me this path? What is its meaning? I mean, I will go down the path, but what purpose does it serve?

Why am I so torn right now? I need her. Without her here, I have fear. Why? Im afraid of being alone. Thats right, alone. Why do I fear this now? Because Erin is my connection to people. I have met more people with her by my side. I have been able to keep in touch with friends I do not see as much anymore. I can stay in touch with my "circle of friends". I know whats going on and how they are doing. She has also been a major helper when I am not feeling good. When I have a bad day, and I ask to see her, she would usually come and comfort me. We could embrace each other, talk, and comfort each other. She was my personal psychologist. Holding her, knowing that holding her made her feel safe and make me feel complete is nice. No amount of words over a phoneline or pictures could ever replace that.

Who wlse would do that? None of my other friends care as much as she would. I mean they are like "whats wrong? snap out of it!" It sucks people.

I really can not comprehend why she wants to do this so badly. I mean its like she got accepted and BOOM, off she goes at 100 mph. Ok, she wants to do this. Good for her. I guess I have to support her. All I am saying is that without her here, I'm going to be alone. I don't mean maybe, or "It won't really happen" because it will. It will. But htis isn't my decision, its hers. Its her life. Its not mine to tell her what to do,or influence her. I know shes leaving. But its so hard.....

If you excuse me, I have some more tears to shed.

The Allengator
Tags: meaningful

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