Allen (allengator86) wrote,

The One Time You Care Is The Time Others Do Not

One thing about me is that I am not a fan of people making a big deal about my birthday. The worst offenders are the social media sites and marketing people. The latter is pretty obvious because...well, they just want my business or want me to buy something. The former is because a certain social networking site tells people when my birthday is and then you get the 50+ messages of "happy birthday" from people who would otherwise not message or talk to you. In a way, that's almost worse than the marketer because this is the only time they put forward any effort in contacting you. I've been struggling lately with the whole contact thing. If someone never initiates a conversation with you or makes any kind of effort to contact you while you have often, is that a relationship you really need in your life? Is it worth it?

Anyways, I told the sites to not show my birthdate because of this. At the risk of sounding like Holden Caulfield, it makes the message come off as disingenuous.

Plus, I've never been a big fan of people making a fuss over the date of my birth. I'm not big on holidays or anything like that. Each day usually feels the same whether it is deemed a holiday or not. I guess I could go on another rant about how people profess goodwill toward men during the holidays, or romantic love during Valentines, or bettering yourself during the New Year, all things we should be practicing to the best of our ability all year round, but that's another entry for another time.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful to have been brought in to this world, it's just not a big deal.

But this year feels different.

I'm less than a week away from my birthday and it’s actually going to be the big 3-0. I'm now heading out of my awkward 20's and heading into probably the equally awkward 30's. Three decades of existing on this plane. I've actually been simultaneously looking forward to it and dreading it for a while. Within the last month those plans have sort of been ground in to dust, much like my overall outlook on life.

Right now it looks like it will be just like any other day which typically would make me as happy as a lark, but it actually really bothers me. For one, I've felt more like a socially discarded person with the past month with little interest in leaving my space. Secondly any plans I made have been overtaken by other things. It was going to be a good time too. I was going to invite some friends to meet up at a local gaming place, we'd play some board games we enjoy for the evening, and the next evening I was going to go to one of my favorite places to eat with my family. Then life happens.

Here is how my mind works. This may be the same for others, it may seem insane, but this is my though process nonetheless. Going back to the social awkwardness thing, the more I’m left alone, the more rejected I feel. The more I put myself out there to talk, interact, or something else related and it doesn’t get reciprocated, the worse I feel about myself. The more I’m by myself, the more I’m apt to just shut myself out from the world. The more plan that get destroyed, the more I talk myself out of doing more. Take the first thing I was going to do, an evening of gaming. I was thinking of who I was going to ask to be there, what day we should meet up, and then doubt overtook my head. “This person has work on that night”, “This is the day this person has night classes”, “These people haven’t been responsive to anything lately, so they probably won’t show up”, and various other reasons. By the end of the night, I convinced myself that most likely no one would show up or would even care. This…didn’t help out my psyche much. The more I think about the possible rejection, the worse I feel, the worse my outlook is, the more I expect to be rejected. It’s an awful feedback loop with no real way out.

Oh well, who needs others, I have family, right? Well, chance happened there as well. The usual chores that gets done on the past weekend got pushed back to the next because of some medical issues. It couldn’t be helped. I did everything in my power to get through these things and in the end between that and the “holiday traffic being too bad”, things got pushed back to next weekend. It’s the kind of stuff that takes all day and you are too beat for the rest of the day to do anything else. So unfortunately that got blown out of the water too. I love them and I am thankful they are still a part of my life, but it doesn’t make it sting less.

With all this in mind, my current plan is to stare at the wall or out to traffic all day, doing nothing. I would say I would play video games or do something immature, but that kind of stuff just hasn’t felt like the fun it used to be. Things I enjoyed aren’t enjoyable to me. If you read my entry from a week ago you would see how I’ve been struggling with identity, wondering whether I should be true to myself or conform to some sort of more socially acceptable person. In wondering all of this I have lost my interest in a lot of things. When you don’t have people to talk about these sort of things it makes it feel empty, pointless, meaningless.

The worst part about all of this is that I have to put on a happy face, be the jovial fool people have expected of me, show a façade of pleasantry. All this while wishing I could just crawl in to a fetal position and just shut down for who knows how long. I was honestly hoping that when I left my adolescent teen years, or my learning more adult situation 20’s, that I wouldn’t have to keep doing this. But alas, here I am. I’m almost 30 and I am still doing the same thing, just with a lot more anxiety and more of a barrier than before. I wish I wasn’t cursed with these feelings, these situations, but that seems to be my lot in life.

Maybe my 30’s will be like a renaissance. Perhaps I will soar like a phoenix which will usher a halcyon period that will make me forget about all of these feelings. Who knows, it could be my best decade. I’m not holding my breath. If my experiences have taught me anything, all I have to look forward to is more of this. It is true what they say: familiarity breeds contempt.

…and many more…

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