Allen (allengator86) wrote,

Searching for that Lost Feeling

Livejournal can be stupid. "Oh, you don't remember your login information? 1 hour ban. How do you like them apples, punk?" This causes a hostile user experience that irritates me to no end.

I had a reason to blog, and now I need to remember what that was. I'm also listening to ABBA. I don't know the reason for that either.

The past month has been pretty difficult for me on a personal note. I think one thing that has made it difficult is that I have to put on a facade of contentment and happiness to those around me. Partially because evidently that is "professional" but also because I have a hard time opening myself up to others on a personal level. Over the years I've grown accustomed to only trusting in myself and not needing others in my life, but that also makes me look like someone that is a bit of a loner.

Part of the problem is that I don't want to drag other people down. People tend to do that to me. I'll talk to someone, and usually something negative or depressing comes out. I try my best to not be that kind of person, giving people the benefit of the doubt, or trying to explain away the ugliness in the world. I'm not in denial or trying to sugarcoat things, but unless I see something with my own eyes or hear it with my own ears, I try to rationalize it. My guess is that it is my lone way of not completely losing my faith in humanity.

So mid-term elections happened, and living in a "Holy gosh we are republican country and anything else is stupid and lame and non-existent" area sucks. I do not vote on a single party line and I never will. I vote on a person, the person I feel represents me on some level. Last presidential election I voted for Chuck Norris with running mate Oprah Winfrey, so take that sentiment with a grain of salt. In any case, it saddens me when I see people voting for one party just because they are on a certain party. I truly believe that around here if a monkey that flings feces had that big red R next to its name, it would be elected easily. It makes me feel like people really aren't thinking for themselves or about the issues at hand. Towing the line as we say. This makes me lose my faith in humanity a little.

Then there are experiences like I had the other night at a local arcade. This young girl, probably no more than 7 walked up to me, said she loved my Zelda shirt, and we had a conversation, an honest to Betsy conversation about Zelda games. She told me she loved Twilight Princess and Skyward Sword. I asked her if she liked Hyrule Warriors and she said her favorite character was Midna. She said that character by name. I gave her a high five (high for her in any case) and walked away from her, not because I didn't like her, but because I didn't want to be called a creeper. This is the kind of nation we live in. I'm scared to talk to a child because I might be taken to court for luring her. Despite my paranoia, it was a fun interaction and it made my faith in humanity rise a little.

Actually, some of the best times I've had lately have involved children. Please let me explain before you contact the authorities. I was at an expo and was playing Super Mario 3D World, and kids kept coming up and asking if they could play. I told them of course they could, and I had more fun playing games with kids than with the competitive Smash Bros players. Maybe its because the kids actually wanted to have fun (one kid kept trying to pick up my character and throwing it off the screen. He's going places) and wanted to experience the game. Several of them haven't played the game before, so I was teaching them the controls, but I toned down my play so they could learn and lead the party some. I don't know, just seeing kids smile and have fun was really rewarding to me, yes, even the kid that delighted in killing me off. I think part of it may be for nostalgic feelings, knowing I was like that when I was younger, or that I was trying to show kids a fun hobby that I enjoyed.

Childlike wonder and innocence is something I wish I could feel more often. Too many times does the world try to drag me down with dramatic trifles and disappointment, and it does get to me. Things like video games just don't resonate with me like they used to. I remember playing Yoshi's Island for the first time after opening it one Christmas morning. That was a glorious time and I remember just having so much fun with that. The latest installment of Super Smash Bros is about to come out and...I just don't feel the excitement like I used to. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to try it out and to see the new amiibo functionality, but at the same time, when I open that disc and put it in the system, its just going to be another game. A good game, but just another one to the many I have played.

In contrast, I recently played a pinball machine at the aforementioned arcade and it blew me away. It was called Medieval Madness and I had that smile and excitement that I missed so much in recent years. Flipping the ball to open the gate, and watching the pixel art show a hole in the castle wall from my pinball cannonball was really fun. I loved it, and no one is able to take that away from me.

The thing I suppose I'm looking for the most is contentment and happiness, and the world at large doesn't care. There always has to be some controversy. There always people telling me how I should act or be. There is always people that mainly talk about troubles of this life. Why can't I just watch a video of some let's players without the comments section being filled with words of hatred and stirring up drama? Why does my hobby have to be dragged in a war of gender politics and that calling myself a gamer is now a bad thing? Why do people want to fight over ideologies and law reform with people that don't think the way they do? Why can't adults act more like kids and try to find fun and happiness?

I'm clearly tired as I don't think my thoughts have any kind of coherence. Originally I had an idea of what I wanted to talk about on here, and instead I ended up talking about faith in humanity vs children. So, I think I'll end it here, because my leaps of logic don't seem to be here anymore.

Have I ever mentioned that my favorite work of fiction is The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger?

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