Allen (allengator86) wrote,

Why So Not Serious?

So here is the rub. I've been talking to a girl for over a month and a half now, and I really thought she could be a special person in my life. The main issue was that she lives in Texas and my current schedule doesn't allow me to go visit her. We've talked about a lot, and I realized that I'm not the guy for her. I don't know if its because of my inadequacies or if she has trouble getting me, but here I am, wondering about my personality.

I'm not what most people would call attractive. I've come to terms with that as life has gone on. I have been told that I seem charismatic or charming. I'm not sure how people see that, but I've been told that on multiple accounts. Maybe it has to do with personality. One aspect of my personality is what I consider my overall goofiness.

Screwball by nature. That's been my calling for the longest time. Do I watch cartoons? Yes. Do I play video games? Absolutely. Can I laugh for a long time about a stupid Barbie CG cartoon that is both a fail and a win? Indeed. Do I know anything about sports? Not too much. I have started calling random sports the generic term "sportsball". Does it make me sound like a five year old? Probably. I personally think it's hilarious. Yes, I know basketball and football, but calling it sportsball gives it a sense of whimsy in my little world. I know it does come off as childish or ignorant, but if I gave my serious assessment of whatever sport is on, it would go something to the tune of "boring, stupid, why are we watching this, we are wasting our lives". I figure calling it sportsball will keep me from getting beaten up.

I don't do this with everyone. There are people so passionate about sports that if they hear it, they will be enraged. Seriously, stop taking it so seriously. Its a game where men and/or women are running around scoring arbitrary points. I know that's how others view video games or anime, but I'm not militant when people say something wrong or that they don't get it.

Maybe I should take life more seriously. I mean what has being silly gotten me? I'm still single, I still feel crippling loneliness from time to time, and I still get depressed. Perhaps if I took like more seriously then I'd have more of a support team?

One problem is that I feel like that would be too much for me.

Explaining it is difficult. In some ways, I have a child-like fascination with some things. The first time I was on an airplane was magnificent. I had the biggest smile and a fantastic sense of awe, being able to see the atmosphere and clouds. It was amazing. Maybe I shouldn't have expressed my amazement as openly as I did. The inner child in me was super excited. I could also watch more mature things on television. Like those murder procedurals they put on TV. Murder and mayhem. Maybe getting more of a serious world view is something I should consider. I mean watching the news about people dying, unrest, political turmoil, and war shouldn't be enough reality in my life. Maybe I should embrace it, become more of an armchair political savant or economic strategist. I shouldn't watch cartoons to help me escape life and not get jaded by the world. I should just accept it as an inevitability that this mortal coil has to offer.

Maybe treating people with a cool sense of detachment would work as well. I can stop caring about what is going on in so-and-so's life and how I could help improve it. If someone is down, I shouldn't try to make them laugh or mock my own life to make them feel better. I can just offer a shoulder to cry on, or listen with no feedback. That's what I pretty much get. Maybe I am trying too hard or seem too desperate. I should treat people like you treat wet, smelly piece of garbage. From a distance, and get it over with quickly.

I can try to rewire myself, but I'm afraid of going off the deep end if I do. Its the banter, the laughter, making people smile or react that makes me feel sane. True, it makes me look not as sane or immature in the process, but at the same time it beats whatever is on the news, whatever show is displaying domestic disputes. If I decide to go more mature and stop caring about these things, would I have a more difficult time smiling, or finding the beauty in life? I feel like I have a difficult time without going down that road as is.

I've been hoping that having a child-like demeanor has kept that spark of happiness alive and has given me more of a personality of whimsy and adorableness. In the end, maybe its hurting me.

Looks like I need to re-evaluate some things in my life.

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