Allen (allengator86) wrote,

This is a Journal Entry

Dear Journal,

Things have been progressing as well as one would assume for someone in my position. I'm sorry about not writing much lately, but you know how it is. I really should write some things down because I need to release my feelings once in a while and I don't quite have that solace. You are about the only thing I can relate my feelings to because either people don't quite understand to empathize enough for me. That is why I turn to you from time to time. I really need to more often.

Work has been going as expected. I think I had my first kind of burn out, but things have gotten better since then. I still wouldn't my job for what I used to have, and it is still a great place for me to build my professional skills, but it can get wearisome getting stuck on a project in development hell. Still, my worst day there doesn't even come close to my best day anywhere else I have worked.

I'm finding out I need to balance my work life and personal life better. I've felt like I've been a bit isolated more than usual with my social circles and it shows. Something I learned is that I need some 'me' time once in a while. Yeah, I do need a Saturday dedicated to Minecraft once in a while. Maybe I just need to road trip to some destination, even if it is for just a day. Too many things have changed. A few weeks ago, trying to vent some built up frustration from everyday life, I did some touring in my town. I went to places I haven't been to in years and was shocked at how much things have changed, just blocks away. I went to a town I haven't been to in a while and places I regularly went to just weren't there anymore. I try not to get nostalgic or overly attached to the past, but seeing things just...disappear...just stings a little for some reason. I even saw a building I never have been to, that I've always passed by without a second thought, was demolished. Even though I had no ties to that market, it still felt some kind of remorse. It could have been a lack of caffeine for all I know. Yeah. I'll go with that.

Fine, I'll admit that I do have a fear of forgetting my past and people in my life, and seeing things disappear bothers me. I guess I always had this, but given recent personal life things that have come up, it just augmented that ever so much. Kind of like why I still post on here. To me, this is a living, breathing document that maybe will remind me of things for the future.

In less awkward news, I am actually going to be attending an anime con with some friends for the first time! I mean sure, I've met friends at conventions before, but this is the first time I'm going with a group. Even if the con itself doesn't impress me, it will still be a good experience to do this. I don't have to worry about people I work with, teachers, chaperons, or anything like that. It should prove interesting.

Maybe I should Tweet about it. What do you think, journal?

Also, if I ever forget, I just want to write down that I was disappointed in the How I Met Your Mother finale. Such a waste.

The wife search is still happening, though I keep losing hope more and more. I mean sure, I found a site with girls that should think the same way I do, but even on there they can be really cruel. I've been trying to fill my time with voices, whether it comes from Youtube, television, or something else, just to fill that void in my life. I know it isn't healthy, but it keeps me from spiraling into some kind of worse depression than I would normally be in. Yeah, I've been wanting some physical human contact, but aside from some handshakes, fist bumps, and high fives, nothing doing there. I try not to be emotionally needy, but dangit, I want a hug once in a while. In fact, journal, it has been so bad that I've actually been looking up hugging machines. Those exist, did you know that? I guess some psychotherapists use them to calm down people with some mental conditions like autism. I could build my own for the low price of $1500. Maybe that is the price I have to pay to get some validation in my life.

It's funny how people interpret human interactions. Growing up, I had to learn about "being touched" in places that wasn't appropriate. Stranger danger, all that kind of stuff. I know that is important when you're young, journal, but I also wonder with that and the advent of the Internet if we have become emotionally bankrupt as a race. I have it ingrained in my head that getting hugged will eventually lead to trouble. I'm sure this is the same for people in my generation. We've learned to get by with not displaying that closeness in that manner. Most people learn to cope without it, maybe because they have someone in their life that fulfills that, or maybe they learned to do without. I've tried, but honestly it sucks that I can't trust someone to receive a hug well. Based on what people have told me, I can't help but picture me hugging someone, them pulling violently away, punching me, and walk away. That may be funny to picture, and maybe my imagination is overzealous, but I honestly feel that is what would happen. I have no evidence that something else will happen. Hugs have become taboo in our modern society, and I think that is stupid. Well, hugging outside the context of a romantic relationship or family setting. Something I haven't experienced in years. I may not experience again for a while. Maybe ever.

Isolation issues aside, I did manage to avoid the social black hole that is the birthday reminder people. I purposefully changed my birth day close to my birthday just so I could avoid dozens of birthday wishes. Two people remembered, whether it was from a third-party app or something else remains to be seen, but it seemed appropriate.

Oh, and someone else moved away without telling me. Yeah, I'm pretty irritated about it, but what can you do. Perhaps I'm better off.

Thanks for listening, journal. I'm so glad I can count on an electronic entity to listen to me ramble about my life. I have to get it out somewhere. I've been pretending that you've been a person this whole time, journal. You are sitting there, patiently listening to me, embraced me when I talked about my physical intimacy issues, and understood where I'm coming from. Journal, you get me. I'm not just a person that is a programmer, or a person that is a self-proclaimed geek, or someone you feel obligated to listen to because of life's social ties. I'm a person that for a half hour pretended that someone special was listening to him. I realize this makes me sound nuts. But what else do I have left? Who else can I turn to? In the end, I'm left to my own devices to soothe and keep myself from plunging into the depths of human sorrow. During my drive to and from work, I imagine someone like you, journal, in the passenger seat. We don't have to talk, we just get each other. Some nights I see you right next to me, just staring at me in a soothing way. You are too patient with me. I don't deserve you. I know you don't exist, journal. It just helps. Thank you.

Until we meet again,

The Allengator

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