Allen (allengator86) wrote,

Friend Me?

I could have sworn I posted more recently than May, but no.  The blog does not lie.  I have neglected this place for the better part of a season.  My usual excuses apply here.  Work was keeping me busy, life got in the way, conventions happened, and I have a different blog I only pay a tiny bit more attention to since my pagecount on here is fairly low.  I make no apologies nor do I promise to blog more.  I mainly come on here to either tell a funny yarn or complain about life in general.  This blog is either where my comedy writing career will launch or a place I can go to that is cheaper than a shrink.

To be honest, no matter how hard I try, I'm in a rut.  I big fat 'ol rut.  And when I'm in a rut, I don't feel like talking on here.  Life is...kind of normal.  Quiet.  Lonely.

Sure, I'm slightly complacent, but I've also been hard trying to improve myself and enjoy who I am.  I'm going to conventions on a fairly regular basis which is something I would have never said a few years ago.  I'm also trying some new things and experiences.  I decided when I got this new job to go out and be someone better than I was.  Learn more about local culture.  Spend more time with friends and do things.  For the most part, maybe with the exception of the last thing, I've succeeded.

One thing I've learned is that it is impossible for me to act like myself anymore.  I've tried being honest about who I am.  I'm a flamboyant geek.  I love anime, video games, and Internet Culture.  You know who else enjoys things like that?  Barely anyone else.  I've had to tone down my geekiness just because no one really gets it or appreciates it.  More often than not, people seemed annoyed by it.  I know I know "Be yourself" and all that.  Trust me, easier said than done.  When the status quo seem annoyed with your shenanigans, it is time for an evaluation.  I still have my turret and Hatsune Miku items, but I don't talk about them or the significance of why I have them.  It's my story, and no one really wants to bother with it.

Then again, I'm an anomaly in the geek world.  I guess I'm a religious geek.  This is odd, because most geeks tend to be fairly liberal with things.  Most of the conventions I went to had some things I do not approve of, but that is the case anywhere I go.  Here's the thing, I love my anime and video games, but they are things my teenage self would enjoy.  They aren't full of incest, yaoi or yuri, or furry love.  Most are just good romantic, comedy, sci-fi shows that surpass what is on primetime TV nowadays.  I don't watch extreme or graphic anime.  Same goes with video games.  I want to Mario Party like something awful.  Not Call of Duty or God of War, but some good nostalgia with fun nerd rage.  This would be great if I had friends who were into that sort of stuff.

I feel kind of friendless right now.

That is not an exaggeration or a pity party, but a serious look at my life currently.  I have a couple of people I regularly hang out with, and I found out a couple weeks ago that they are moving, one several hours away, and the other not as far, but the distance is there.  Its no longer a hop, skip, jump away to fun.  After this, I'm here, and that it about it.  Sure, I have family, but no one plays games or enjoys any of my hobbies outside of watching things on Netflix which is hard to find something we all enjoy because our tastes are very different.  It's funny.  I've gone to several conventions as I said.  Some big, some small.  There was one I went to that had three to five thousand people there.  I was surounded by people.  Despite that huge number, I felt alone.  Funny how someone can feel that way in a huge crowd.

So the best solution is to make more friends, right?  At my age, that isn't easy.  Most of my friends I ever made were from the forced interaction called school.  The next couple of jobs I gained a couple more friends, but most have moved on or away.  At my current job, I've mentioned a few times how I am a little different from most of the guys there.  I'm not complaining or think less of anyone, but most there have their own lives.  Most are married, have kids, are involved in a serious relationship, or I have a difficult time relating to.  Next would be to meet someone somewhere, but where is that?  I stay away from the mall if at all possible.  I don't drink, smoke, or do anything promiscuous, so bars and clubs are out of the question.  I love the church I attend, but sometimes I am the youngest person there with the next oldest person being my sister.  The same problem exists.  We enjoy very different things.

Online?  Don't get me started on online. 

So here I am, spending another Saturday alone, playing a game by myself, listening to show tunes, and blogging about said subject.  This has been every weekend lately.  Nearly every weeknight.  Lying with my face to the ceiling, wondering if anyone thinks of me, or if I'm just an afterthought, a parasite that needs to be ignored.  Sure, I keep busy, but that is to keep me from wondering.  Keeps the anxiety at bay, until I try to go to sleep, and spend hours laying there in turmoil wondering if this curse of solitude will be lifted. 

If I may quote from the Bible.  A book I read often is Ecclesiates as it serves a lot of wisdom, but also humbleness and futility.  In chapter 4 there is a passage there that haunts me:

Two are better than one,
Because they have a good reward for their labor.
10 For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him up.
11 Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;
But how can one be warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.
And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

I feel alone when I fall.  I feel left out in the cold.  I feel overpowered.

So I've tried some experiments.  I've posted honestly who I am on a certain personal ads site.  I said I'm a geek who doesn't smoke, drink, and is not looking for sex and is keeping himself for marriage.  And I post some pictures.  Not one response.

Who I am doesn't seem to appeal to people.  I'm not at a place where I can just fundamentally change who I am.  To be honest, I like who I am.  I'm more honest with myself than I was in high school.  It just seems I don't belong in this society, possible this world.  Everyone has more priorities, like family and significant others and I wholeheartedly understand and support that.  I'm not selfish.  My dream is to have a loving wife and kids.  Though that seems impossible considering I hardly have anyone anymore who I can qualify as a good friend.

I pray to God for help.  I ask for forgiveness for the wrongs I have done, and all I ask for is companionship.  Someone who says "How about a night of Smash Bros.?" or "There is an awesome event downtown tonight at the arcade.  Let's go!".  Someone who doesn't make me feel guilty about them taking out time for their family or children if they have one.  A person I can message that makes me feel better about things. A person who wouldn't make me compromise my beliefs, who I am, or my personal habits.  An individual who accepts me for who I am and can tolerate, or even encourage me to act like myself and ignore everyone else.  At least I wouldn't feel like a pariah.  A plague.

Maybe I'm too emotional at the moment, but this has been weighing heavily on me for many weeks, and even more so the past couple of weeks.  I've been horribly sick and needed someone to take me to the doctor.  If my mother wasn't here, who would take me?  I would probably suffer.  A fitting analogy.

If you have friends, cherish them.  Tell them you appreciate their presence in your life.  Love every second you get to have with them.  Never take it for granted.  Feel good you have a backup, someone to pick you up when you fall, to back you up when you are against a challenge.  Thank your lucky stars they are in your life.  Be thankful you are not me. 

Remember when I said this blog works like a psychiatrist sometimes?  Forget I said that.  I'm more saddened than when I first started this mess.  I'm ok if people are tired of hearing me balk about this.  Ignore it.  It isn't like reading it and doing nothing is any different.

The Allengator

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