Allen (allengator86) wrote,

Romance, Solitude, Philosophy, Women, and a Dark Sadness

I've been waxing philosophically lately.  Sure, it is partially my usual seasonal disorder of depression, but it just doesn't seem like it usually does.  Perhaps I'm about to undergo another evolution in the character of Allengator, maybe I'm just having a worse time than usual.  Who knows?

I hate being a loner, but that seems to be my role in this world.  I'm also the nice guy, which I'm starting to take some insult to.  Nearly everyday I have people, acquaintances, strangers tell me that I'm a nice guy.  So far that has gotten me...nowhere.  No one truly appreciates the value of niceness anymore.  To get anywhere in life, you have to be able to get your hands dirty.  Being told your nice is like being in the friend zone.  You know what I'm talking about, women see you as a friend and a friend only.  I'm sorry, but if I am friends with a female, more than likely it is because I feel some kind of attraction towards her.  I would be hard-pressed to find any heterosexual men who would consider a female being a "friend only".

Right now, I mainly have two people who talk to me, and that is putting the term lightly.  Their social lives dictate that I am only allotted a certain number of minutes of conversation a week.  Here, I would bend over backwards for anyone I consider to be my friend, but their time is better spent chatting with others on Facebook, working, or going places with other people while I am alone in my room twiddling my thumbs.  Dedication is something that just doesn't exist anymore.  

I'm also considering becoming more misogynistic than I am now.  I'm not saying that I think less of women, but I am starting to revert back to that third grade version of myself that has a huge mistrust and disgust for women.  So far, every single female I have met in my life has let me down at least once, many more times than that.  They also just see me as a tech guy, or someone who is a "buddy".  I've tried talking to women from dating ads, but it always ends up the same.  I talk to them, and as soon as I send them a pic, they ignore me.  So yeah, I know I'm not the traditional definition of sexy or even cute, but I think its beyond rude to just drop someone as soon as you see them.  I talked to someone for a couple of weeks and she kept talking even after I sent a pic.  Things were going great until, just suddenly, she stopped talking to me.  Nothing.  I looked things over, I didn't say anything that looked offensive or bad, I apologized to her if I did say something out of turn.  Nothing.  This story repeats itself many times, one way or another.  

I want a girlfriend badly.  I would say desperately, but that would make me sound like a pathetic moron which I try to stay away from as much as I can.  I am a romantic person, as much as I despise Hollywood's and fictional novel's definition of it.  I have a lot to offer, I'm loyal, and I'm passionate.  The older I get, the more I'm sure I'll never meet that special someone.  I feel the clock ticking, but not in the traditional sense of the ever present "biological clock", though that too to some extent.  You see, I know love it patient, and all the qualities you can find for it in the book of Corinthians, but I also read somewhere that it is also bad for a person to die with passion.  Its just that, when I do meet that someone, I don't want to feel like I wasted my time getting to her, or lost time because I was not looking.  When I find her, I want to dedicate my life, my soul, my being to her.  Whatever time I could spend convincing her that someone as pathetic as I can and does truly love her and a fleeting hope that the favor can be returned.  The thing is the longer it takes to find her, the less time I will get to do that.  Every day that passes by is one less day of not being able to hold her, to talk to her, to love her, and to prove that she is the thing that completes me.

See, I am a romantic, even if it is a pathetic version of one.

Of course between the population of females of the Earth either calling me a "Nice Guy Buddy", ignoring me, or just overlooking me, it is almost like they have declared me some kind of pariah in this life.  Always there but never touched.  Always there and never considered.  A perfectly fine piece of machinery that is becoming seized up with lack of use.

Without this thing, I feel incomplete, like I have nothing to live for.  I'm not talking about serious life-ending here, but I have no direction in my life.  Sure, I have a great job now that I wouldn't trade for anything, but that is only part of the puzzle.  The job hasn't really transformed me as much as I had hoped.  At the end of the day, sure, I'm wearing boxers instead of briefs now, and I have some more self esteem, but I'm still me, and I'm still outside the social circles of human kind.  I just wish someone would appear in my life, turn it upside down, and ride off with me in the sunset.  At the very least, with someone special in my life, I would have that direction, I would have that goal, and I would not feel as alone in this world as I do now.

I've been reading about solitude lately.  Have you ever read the book Walden by Henry David Thoreau?  I've been mulling over some thoughts from that lately and while some of it is, in my opinion, poppycock, or over my head, there is some truth to it.  This is a man, who lived in civilization, then moved into the woods to write about mankind and how to live life.  This by no means makes him an expert in any stretch of the imagination, but he has some thought provoking passages in there:

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion"

To live deliberately is something I think I still need to learn how to do.  I'm not saying I want to go camping or live out by myself, but it seems like a foreign concept to me.  Also.  I've been reading a lot in the book of Ecclesiastes out of the Bible lately.

"Two are better than one,  Because they have a good reward for their labor.  For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.  But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken."

An opposing viewpoint to living alone is having that companion to help you back up.  So if I feel like I have no companion, then there is woe for me?  If I want to seek a higher understanding of nature, I have to go for solitude?  Even in philosophy, I can't find a direction to go towards.  I've questioned a lot of things lately.  I've also pondered about the meaning of life, what my raison d'etre is, and why the world can be such a cruel and lonely place for someone like me.

In the end I'm becoming more sure that my fate may be to die alone, or not know true companionship.  People move on with their lives and abandon you.  The world keeps spinning irregardless.  Sure, I've had friends over the years, but no one sticks around or feels like putting in the effort that I put into the relationship.  All I have to do is put on a brave front, a smile, even though my heart is breaking.  I choose to hide my true self to people because no one likes him nor wants to take the time to understand him.
  For now, that is probably the direction my life is going, and its a path that will ultimately lead to my death, alone, incomplete, and forgotten by all, for we all come from dust, and to dust, we return.  Come into the world with nothing, leave with nothing.

I feel secure in putting these thoughts on here because no one will ever see them nor would they care.  This place is a better journal than a pad of paper would ever provide.

The Allengator

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