Allen (allengator86) wrote,

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Just Venting, Praying For Relief

This is another depressive/emo entry. If you want something else, then either go to another blog or wait for another update from me. I really just have to get something off my chest.

There is so much I want to say, yet I don't know how to say it. Food has lost its flavor. Games have lost their entertainment value. Television has lost its emotional investment. The world has lost its splendor.

Most days I will wake up, dreading what I will hear from my parents when I stumble out of my room. Then some days I will go to work, which is bad enough, but even it can be a distraction from my problems - well, sometimes. When I am by myself, I just revert back to my usual thoughts, losing my speed and concentration. I've lost all vigor and willingness to do things.

Outside of work, my days are filled with nothingness, no one to talk to, no one talking to me, and just me sitting there, trying to figure out something I can do alone, and never coming up with anything. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I've prayed for help, for guidance, and I know the Lord is infinite in his wisdom and love, but for whatever reason he has seen it fit for nothing to happen to me. I've even asked for Him to remove me from this world through His will, or bring about the end times, thus removing all my troubles. He has yet to follow through on that either. No, not contemplating suicide, don't be silly, but I just want out. The world is a cruel and dark place where people forget you exist.

Among the masses, I stand alone. There are people I used to consider being my friends, but they clearly don't care about me as much as I care about them. Really, the only time people willingly volunteer to talk to me is when I sit next to them, or they have a problem. I don't care about listening to others problems and giving advice, but when I need advice, when I need support, no one was there. No one is there. People have enough time to play games, enjoy movies, and catch up with old friends, and all it would take is five minutes, five measly minutes to just send me a "Hey, how are you doing" message, where I at least feel like I'm in their thoughts. They have my email, phone number, and address, so what is keeping them from just saying something to me. Either I have a problem that no one will bother telling me about, or they just don't care about me.

Since my...let's call it my incident, which has been a month or so, only about two or three of my friends have bothered to talk to me on their own free will, and those people I rarely see because they either live out of town or go to school. I can forgive life and school, but I have little tolerance for any other excuse.

Earlier today I Googled "Do friends exist". If you want to have the life sucked out of you, then Google that. Even worse is "Do best friends exist". The short answer to most people is no, there is no such thing. As children we have a fairly easy time making friends and even the coveted best friends, but as adults we lose that child-like quality and its hard to have friends. I should just give up on ever having a good friend, or ever going out with some buddies, or having that one person who will stick with me through thick and thin. There is no such person or persons.

I really don't ask for much. I just want a little attention, a little something that says "Hey, I was thinking about ya you big lug." That's all. I would also like someone to take out just a few minutes so I can just tell them about everything that has happened to me the past few weeks. I need a shoulder to cry on. I need something. I feel like I have nothing.

This world just blows. I guess no one has ever truly cared about me. I'm getting to the point of full despair, where I will just give up and disappear. It isn't like anyone will notice or care. Until then all I have are my prayers, whether its for strength or one to take me out, its up to the world. I'm running out of breath asking for strength. I'm not strong, but no one is there to help. No one.

The Allengator

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