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'Gator? I hardly knew her!

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September Has Ended, And No One Woke Me Up
Ice King, Adventure Time
Yes, I know I'm sucking at this blogging thing. I really do apologize, but truth is that I really don't feel like doing much nowadays. August and September have historically proven to be my lousiest months of the year as I often feel melancholic and, for lack of a better term, depressed.

My life has had to go through a lot of changes lately. I've had a change in position at work, which I've alleviated to some on here. Let's start with that. Sad reveal: I am not as frustrated at work for the time being. I'm getting along with several of my co-workers, and I am more-or-less left to my own devices, which I prefer. This wasn't my plan, though. The plan was to be out of that dump by about this time, and I am not getting looked at for job offers at all. I give resumes out like tissues, I follow up on my applications, but its always "we want an actual college graduate" or "we need someone with more experience" or the classic "you do not fit the needs of our company at this time". Putting myself out there for ridicule and rejection is too much for my weak psyche. On top of that, I have lost pretty much all the confidence I've gathered over the past few years. The Kansas City trip turned me into a butt-kicking person, but now I'm just a beaten person. I know part of the problem is the blasted economy, but I need a victory so bad right now that its not even funny.

Next would be my health. Recent events have transpired and has caused me much grief over the past few weeks. I don't know where to start, but I suppose I can summarize it the best I can without revealing much. I cam home one day complaining about some symptoms, usually associated with sinuses and seasonal allergies. My parents started to overreact and forced me to go to the doctor, who took some blood samples and billed me nearly $200. After receiving some medicine, I got the results back and nearly all of it was great. But you know some parents. Mine would wrap me up in a scarf and heavy coat the first sign of a slight breeze in the upcoming autumn. Plus my sister is some kind of sadist or something, because she wants me to have certain ailments that requires pill swallowing for the rest of my life. She won't shut up, which has also caused some problems. Some people at work are bothering me, asking if I'm ok, looking at me in pity. I can't stand that. Somehow they found out about some of my issues, which I wanted kept private to pretty much everyone except close friends and family, was leaked and now I have 20 mothers doting over me. It upsets me when my privacy was breached without my permission. If I wanted people to find out about my issues, I would tell them. I'm a fairly private person and I don't like to share certain things with certain people. This grief has really been taking a toll on my general good nature.

Stress is one thing, but venting stress is a completely different matter. I have no way to do it. Sure, I've done everything a person can do by themselves, read a book, exercised, played games, watched movies, meditated, and so on, but nothing really helps. I just can't talk to my family anymore. I love them, but with the whole doctor's thing I have stayed away from any sense of deep conversation for a while. Most of my (maybe I should add "so-called") friends are busy with their lives. Some have college, some have work, some have families, and so on. But seriously, its been well over a month, probably crawling up on two, since I've had any social interaction outside of work or home. I've forced myself to go out, drive around, go to cities and places, by myself. Let me tell you, a trip to a town you normally enjoy is killed when you have no one to talk to. I felt awkward walking into stores, into restaurants, by myself. I would go to the movies, several I wanted to see, but its stupid to go alone. Am I hard to be around? Is there something wrong with me? Am I doing something wrong that alienated me from being social? I've called, I've emailed, I've made myself available, but nothing has really happened. I've resorted to watching myself into an oblivion with dvds, drowning out my frustrations with the world. If it weren't for my beliefs, I would probably turn to drugs or something, just to get rid of the stress I feel. As soon as I get a new job, I think I will do what I can to save up to see a psychiatrist, not really because I need one, but just to have the illusion that someone is listening to me and cares about me as a person. When is the Allengator going to get his day? When will he find unconditional love or his gang to hang out with?

See? Normally I would blog, but I really don't feel like it. Its just the same crap over and over, and no one really reads it anymore, save for maybe an online friend or two. Its like talking to myself, and really, if I do that enough, I will end up going to a psychiatrist anyways.

So all this entry aside, I'm going to try to upload the stuff I said I was going to, but please have some patience. I'm going through a rough patch right now and I'm essentially forced to do it by myself and its just taking longer than usual. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go back to listening to my mix of Green Day, Simon and Garfunkel, My Chemical Romance, and watching the crappy subs of Sayonara Zetsubo Sensei.

The Allengator

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As for the psychiatrist, with insurance it usually cost $200 (your payment) per visit. (I know this because some one I know goes to one, and they have insurance).

Sorry I'm not good at advice, but I'll try my best.

As for the job market, because of luck. All I can do is wish you the best of luck.

As for health, wish you well.

As for the stress, hmm. But you can always tell who your true friends are, because they will make time for you. Considering the fact, that I'm one who sort of likes being alone, so my advice might be off.

I don't your hard to be around, nor is something wrong with you. I don't think people are trying to leave you out. All I can say is try to make a friend at the church.

I wish you the best.

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