Truth is that I'm battling some pretty bad funk, maybe depression right now. I can't seem to shake the feeling off, and it really bothers me a lot. Maybe its because I think the world is nothing but a ball filled with people who will lie, disappoint, and are more unreliable than the government. It seems that every time I find something remotely good, something will inevitably come around and mess it up. I mean its like the proverbial carrot before the donkey scenario, only the path leads to a cliff that I will no doubt fall into.
Work has not been improving my mood at all. I never feel appreciated and I never feel like I belong. I'm more of the "great, where are we going to stick him today" kind of thing. Anytime someone needs a fill in, or someone needs a substitute, they get me. Every freaking day I have to do something that just makes me feel less appreciated and more to the effect that they take advantage of me. Its getting to the point where even if I raise a complaint that no one takes it seriously. Take my advice, never become a "yes man". People will take advantage of you and will drain you of what dignity you have. I know I don't have a career there either. I have been there over four years, have shown up every day, on time, and have even stayed late or come in on my days off when asked. In my four years, I have gone from a sales associate to a cart pusher and maintenance broom pusher. I have spent 6 years in college, have proven my reliability, and could probably outwit most people that work there. Yet I more or less have been demoted or relegated to do jobs that most people don't want to do.
Yes, I have complained until I am blue in the face, I have told them that I don't want this and that I deserve better. They pretend to listen, but in reality all they are thinking is "Why won't this moron just shut up, already." Nothing I say gets taken seriously and I have no weight in my opinion or intelligence. I am wasting my time there, just so I can get a paycheck that won't cover my bills and has caused me financial problems many times. I want out so bad. I truly mean that. It has taken me a few years to realize that, but here I am, bitter, cynical, and self loathing more than I came in.
This also worries me about my future jobs. Will I go from a coder to a "custodian"? Will I become a team leader, only to have my coworkers stab me in the back, won't pay attention, and will leave me out to dry when a promotion comes? Will the circle ever truly be broken? Am I stuck in this perpetual slump? I mean this has gotten me so upset that I question who I am, and if being myself is truly worth it. I even wonder what it would be like to be someone else other than myself. Someone more successful at life. Perhaps not financially successful, but seems to have their life in order and can often get what they want. I'm getting to the point where I think I may just give up on myself.
The problem is that I really do like myself, but he is never good enough for anything. He is the nerdy type who loves video games, anime, and a good fun time with people. Lately, everything seems dull. Grey. Games aren't any fun. I have a stack of anime I need to watch, but I have no desire to do it. I just lay here, stare at the ceiling, and wonder if I've done something to deserve the cosmic smackdown that I find myself in. Ironic thing is that I'm so insignificant in the grand scheme of things that no one would bat an eye, even in my general direction.
Insignificant is how I am feeling right now. I try my hardest to get people to notice me, to put something witty, or something meaningful, and rarely do I get a response at all. The only times I do get a response is when it may interest someone, or spark a conversation, and rarely does the latter hold an interest to me. Do you think I end these things with a question on accident? Do you think I post something witty just so you can say nothing about it? I want validation, dangit. I want to be noticed. I want to have someone's attention, even if its just for a minute. I'm debating whether I should post this on Facebook or not. I may, because no one will notice it anyways. Maybe its because I'm writing it.
I don't feel special at all. I don't even feel remotely important. Heck, if I were to pack up my bags and just leave, I wouldn't be missed. The conversation would go "Hey, what happened to that one guy? I haven't seen him for, like, a week or something." "I'm not sure what happened to him." and end scene. That is all I would be mentioned in. Two sentences at most. No eyes would blink, and no thoughts would be of "I wonder what he's up to now." It would just be, "Meh." The world is full of people who think "meh". You get one fleeting moment, and that's it. I have the feeling that I will never amount more than that to anyone. I'll just be the guy who is there, who they can take advantage of. Nothing more.
Friendless, loveless, beaten, pathetic, and invisible. These are the five words I would use to describe myself in the world right now. I don't amount to anything and nothing I do in my power will change that. I've tried just about everything short of denouncing my beliefs and just quitting. I just can't bring myself to do that.
Life is also very overwhelming right now. I'm fresh out of college, ready to start a new career, and jobs are scarce right now. My sister has been talking nonstop about me moving out and going cross country to find my dream job and soul mate. She has no idea how much it grates on my nerves. Life doesn't just happen that way. You need a job before you move, and you need to know someone before you consider them a soul mate. This has also put a lot of pressure on me. I need to find a new job to get out of my crappy one I'm in right now. I need a higher paying job to allow me to be on my own and pay for my stuff. I know all of this, but pushing me and constantly yakking my ear off isn't helping me at all. In fact its making me regret doing that junk to begin with. Another common thing is people asking if I'm done with school. I tell them "Yes." and they look at me with a look that says "Why are you wasting your time here?" Its like people are finding reasons to either get rid or me, or to make me feel smaller than I already do. I try my hardest not to be offended by people, but when the queries accumulate to over 100, it grates on your nerves.
To summarize, I know that this entry will be ignored and just looked over. I realize that. I know it won't change how I feel or how I see the world. I just really needed to get this off my chest because no one has really been there for me. It sucks. Everything sucks. I want rid of this Earthly torture. I want to just forget everything and just give up. I can't. I just can't do anything to change how I feel or how people see me. Everything is pointless and dull. Everyday I step into my current job, it reminds me of how truly unimportant I am in the grand scheme of things and that I'm easily replaceable and forgotten. I'm just a broken person, and will never be fixed because I have the visibility of a gust of wind.
I'm sorry for the dark and depressing nature of this post. Its truly how I feel right now and probably will be for the unforeseeable future. Don't let the calm, pleasant aura fool you. I'm in pain.