It has been a very interesting past 48 hours, mostly keeping to myself.
Well, I have never gone to a homecoming dance.......ever, because of some issues. I guess I have just tried to shut out the reason. Well, Erin has been bringing it up a lot, picking out dresses and whatnot. I guess those old feelings were coming back. The old one where I felt pretty bad and not completely manically depressive, but the normal type that can last for a loooong time. The past weekend was already pretty bad enough, but this was different. I mean, more personal. I don't know if anyone reading this ever saw LOST, but during the episodes, the character in focus will flash back to some event that gets triggered by something on the island. Thats how it has been. Kinda painful. They have the fall one and the winter one. Didn't go to either, cause of something. So it's been crazy. When Erin invited me, I told her that I felt it wasn't my kind of scene, and thats true for the most part, but those events has a part in it too. Last night I told her how I felt, the real reason I avoided those gatherings like the plague, and she understood. I mean, when we first started going out, we went to the park and there was a section of the park I felt very uncomfortable, because it reminded me of ny former relationship with a girl. Now it means a lot to me, but I do not feel as awkward. Main reason is because I know I have her.
Well, after explaining the whole situation to her, she understood me. She said some things that made me feel better. She also garunteed me that she wouldn't ditch me, heh. I wasn't worried about her doing that, but for some odd reason...I don't know....it made me feel so much better. I also thought some about what she has done to get ready....bought a new dress and such (and no, I don't remember seeing her in a formal gown....you're a tomboy sweetie ;P).
Ok, I have more time than I relized to rant on here, so I guess I will *eye roll*
Well, I also took one of those online tests today and it said I was only 9% adventurous. According to another one, I am Sam (The American Eagle *salute*), both very boring and serious types of people who need to get a life or else will suffer....um....
Phil the insufficient Ruler of Light: I darn you to Heck........you will spend the rest of your life as.......a PBS broadcaster!
Well, didn't really jive with me, because back in the day, I was little mischevious...had this black comb thing going on.....if I were to return to MHS, I doubt if I would even bother pulling it out.....well, here was the thoughts going through my head as I told Erin that I would sleep on it and give her an answer in the morning.....
I feel pretty uncomfortable being around the high school group.....mostly because they are really wild or will stare at me "whats HE doing here....he looks much older...". It will still bring me some pretty bleak memories.....and loud music....ugh.....why can't we just invite some goo friends over and have a small social party.......
Then I thought about being Sam (The American Eagle *salute*), boring....out of my usual nutty self. Have I truly lost the spunk that was once known as "Jazzy Trombone" or "The Trombone Emperor (sic)"? Not that going would prove anything, but I knew Erin wanted me to go with her, and deep down I wanted to also, but something was keeping me from doing so. I was 50-50 on this.
I woke up this morning and saw my mom, so I asked her what she thought (she ALWAYS figures out something I don't). She said it would be nice for me to take her. Some sort of nice formal outing. I knew Erin and I won't get very many opportunities to do this, and the longer I wait, the harder it will be for me to return. Its like going on vacation from work. Its harder to come back if you're gone for two weeks than one.
This morning I told Erin that I wanted to go.....why? Well, I'm not 100% sure why. Maybe its because I feel like this would treat her right. Maybe this would be a prim opportunity to see osme of my old friends form MHS, maybe it will prove and help me get over the incident years ago.....
I think the main reason is that I know she wants to go. She would have gone without me, I know, but, I guess the reason is not only do I want to prove thing myself, but I want her to know that it doesn't matter if I am uncomfortable situation, that I have had a hard time, or even if her or I dress up, but that with her by my side......everything will turn out ok. Am I doing this to prove this to her and me. Not completely....but it's my main driving force. I hope someday that Erin, not go through this, but will understand how I feel. I am not mad, blaming her, but shes basicaly worldly salvation....she is helping me break my monotonous schedule and bringing out my better side. She is the only person in the entire world that can do this to me. She has taken me to places I would have never been to, have me experience things I would not have, and opened up some of my overall sheltered life. She has changed me, and I will never be able to express how much I appreciate her, no matter how hard I try. They could bring the world's best poets, the best philosophers, the best writers, artists, musicians of all time together, and the would not even be able to describe a fraction of how I feel.
Wish me luck Saturday, it'll be a long night, but no matter if it is good or bad, it will be worth it.