This will be the lamest Thanksgiving ever. By that I mean it totally isn't going to happen. Sure, we will have some turkey, but it won't be on Thanksgiving. For those of you who don't know Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays of the year, definately in the top 3. Aside from being allowed to be a total glutton (a personal hobby of mine), I get to see my family, which really just comprises of my immediate family as well as my aunt and her husband. As of right now, speaking terms are non-existant between her and my mother and sister. My mom is irritated, but would probably look past it, but my sister goes on a tirade and foams at the mouth, so considering the friction...it isn't happening.
Thanksgiving has and always been a family/friend tradition, but my sister has to work that day. I was only scheduled during the morning, but I got asked if I could switch shifts with a lady at work so she could spend a Thanksgiving with her family, including her aged mother, and since it isn't happening at my house, I told her that I would gladly cover her. I also get a sweet 4 more hours out of the deal...on a holiday. I only work there for the pay anyhow.
I wish things were different, how corporations make people work on holidays, keeping them from their friends and families. It didn't use to be this bad even a decade ago. But now that my sister and I are growing up, having to work and be more adult, I guess sometimes you have to miss tradition once in a while. Don't get me wrong, we will still have a meal sometime, but it just isn't the same as waking up early to watch the parade, seeing the streets be empty, not watching football in the afternoon and catching a reprise of either "Miracle on 34th Street" or "Its a Wonderful Life". Nothing like watching a classic American film with the turkey kicking in and eating some pumpkin pie with cool whip while doing so. Its moments like that that I miss. Maybe when I find that perfect Monday-Friday 8-5 closed on major holidays office job I can enjoy it again as an older adult. *Cynical chuckle*
The other night I got to fulfill a fantasy that was towards the top of my list. I won't say what it was or what in entailed, but it was wonderful. I had this feeling you can only get from wanting something for a long time, and finally being able to make it a reality. It was the happiest I have been in a very long time. I felt nothing but this feeling of accomplishment, and I now remember, after all this time what true fulfillment feels like. Now I just need to cross off the other items on my list.
Happy is something I am also out of practice with. Sure, I can laugh and carry on as well as the next guy, but I'm talking happy on a deeper level. Yeah, maybe I'm not fanboying out (ok, so maybe I did a little dance) but it felt good, and it felt like it was something I finally deserved after all this time. I know that I can't pretend to be who I was years ago, but that doesn't mean I can do a little dance every once in a while. By the way, Final Fantasy "You killed an enemy" music started to play.
One thing I am not used to is making myself happy. Not saying that I am a tragedist or a martyr, but I like seeing other people happy, even if it means that I don't get much in the end. Looking back, it seems to be in my basic nature to want to make people feel better about themselves. That is why I suck at making myself happy. That's not to say that I don't know what's best for me, but I'm not used to it.
In my last entry I alluded to a situation I am in right now. Now with me being a single guy I'm sure you're used to me talking about girls and how I either pine or despise a lack thereof, but last entry, that was actually more truth than anything. I am conflicted between two very special people right now, but I really won't get into paticulars because I know both of them read this blog. Normally I would be more open and less secretive, but in this kind situation it is better for me to not say much. I never thought I would have two very lovely people willing to do something crazy with me called "having a relationship". No, I am not a pimp, and I don't make it a point to get in these kinds of situations. In fact, I am going to have to force myself to rectify it soon before it goes too long. Archie may be able to juggle 2-5 women, but I am not that way. I am dedicated to one person at a time. In the end, I hope they realize that no matter what happens, I care for both of them a lot. Yeah, I will have to cut out saying/doing some things, but nothing will change the deep friendship we have. I pray that I make the right choice, and that all of us will eventually end up extremely happy in the longrun, whether we date each other or not in the end.
So yeah, I'm starting to get reacquainted with my romantic side. I might be rusty, and maybe not well-polished, but give it time. I have been having some reactions to various talkings and doings that sometimes my chest hurts from my heart pounding so hard. I haven't felt that in years. Yeah, some uncomfortable, but for nostalgic factor alone it feels good. I was nervous just trying to talk with one of them. Its like I'm back in high school, only without the annoying rib jabbers....no wait, I take that back. You know who you are *glare*. In any case, maybe in the near future I will have reverted back to "I'm lucky to be dating so-and-so right now" and here is our latest exploit, or here is how much I love her. Hey, between that, work angst, and anywhere from mediocre to crazy wild on Mega Media Mondays, this blog may become a range of emotional goodness.
That is if something works out. Not that I am not confident, but as the saying goes: The future is uncertain. For once, I want to be happy and in love again. I will still think of others, but that old romantic in me felt his feet warm up and realizes the world isn't a massive mess of pain and anguish.
That's just work.