Allen (allengator86) wrote,

A Note From a Hotel Paper Years Ago

This is the entry I reffered to last week. It was when I was in the Sophmore grade in high school if I am not mistaken. It was during a trip to state band tryouts, and it was written when I couldn't sleep. It was a stressful time, and I was in a usual drama confusion that most adolescent kids were my age.

I also want to say that the feelings in this entry do not reflect the managment and feelings of this blog, its blogger, or its associates. All names and insinuations of peoples have been removed to protect the innocent. With that, I present to you, the blog post that never was.

Sometimes, I wonder why thingss happen to me. I get mad when people have a good time. Why? Why me? True, if they had ht[sic] the subject that irks me most, I will get excited. If people go on about his or her boyfriend/girlfriend, or flirt, or get all lovey dovey, I get sensitive about it, because, well, nothing ever happens to me, NOTHING!!! Some people realize it, some don't. I guess I shouldn't get mad at people who don't realize it, but I still can't help my actions. I wish I had options. I wish I would get some attention on the matter once in a while. I wish I wasn't so alone. I've always felt lonliness and I've rarely experienced anything good in that area. Why I get so sensitive is a mystery to me. Funny, a few years ago I wanted to be alone, but now I don't. I've never had a significant other, I've had no girl to call all of those pet names. I've never been in an honest to goodness relationship with a girl. Sometimes I wish I wasn't, but I usually wish I was. I always see people together holding hands, flirting, carrying on like the way people in love do. I get very jealous, enveous, angry, resentful, and chaotic when I witness events like these, but hey, its a way of life. I know all of this seems very selfish, but some people say it isn't, even though I believe it is. I wish this wasn't the way it is, but it is. If I had one wish, it would be to have one of these relationships, but you know what they say, wishes are cheap. I figure I won't have one while I go to school at Marshfield, no matter how much I want one. I guess that either says a lot about me or the people that live there, I dunno. Its a mystery. All I know is that people make me sick when I see this, and there isn't any medicine to ease my pain. There probably is, but I haven't discovered it yet. Maybe I'll find it someday. Maybe.....

A lot can be said about us lonely people,

I am very concerned about ______. I talked to her last night and I am afraid she is losing hope. Losing hope is the most unbearable experience known to me. True, I have never had any luck with women, but I know from personal experience that it is very unpleasant. I wish there was a way to help here[sic] without going out on a limb and telling her that I like her, because as I said before, I haven't had any luck. Besides, I doubt that she shows any interest in me in a real relationship. All I have ever been to girls is a friend. That doesn't mean that I am ungrateful for their friendship. I really treasure them, just about more than anything. I even sent a story that sort of portrayed the way I feel in those friendships to some people.

But anyway, I just feel that ______ shouldn't give up so easily, I don't want her to, she doesn't deserve it. That's probably why I've been so serious and quiet today, I'm trying to figure out how to help her. I don't know why I feel I should help her, but I just do. If I succeed it will give me a good feeling that I've helped someone. I don't want her to end up the way I did. No one deserves it, especially ______. I don't know why I feel this way, its weird. I can't say I've never felt it, but I haven't for a long time, maybe ever, I can't remember. I'm not sure about stuff anymore. Why do I feel this way? What does it mean?

______, please don't lose hope, please.

A look into someone's past could be a window into a soul. It could be that the person is completely different, or maybe it explains why the person reacts the way they do, or possibly the intent is to create irony in that person's character. It could be all three.

As an afterword, the person I blanked out doesn't have that much space in their name, I don't talk with her anymore, and I believe she is married to some really nice guy. In the end, I don't regret not taking a chance, because not only is she happy, but I believe both of us are in happier lives now, and that would make it worth it. I normally say I kick myself in the butt for not making a move, but I don't in this paticular case.

Anyways, thanks for reading. A short normal-type entry should be up soon.

The Allengator

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