Allen (allengator86) wrote,

An Addition to Yesterday's Entry

This is sort of an addition to yesterday's entry. Hopefully it'll be the last I will ever feel the need to type about.

First off, a bug thanks and hug to everyone online or off who has talked to me about this. I appreciate all of your guy's thoughts and advice. Its nice to know I have some people I can count on!

Now for the actual addition. I do want to say that firstmost, I am not trying to play the victim card here. Part of the problem is my refusal to speak up to anyone who has a shred of power higher than I. Had I been more bolder about my stand, I probably would not have been forced to do what I did. I also know that 99.9% of the population will think I'm probably being a little too pretentious about this whole thing. Its almost the equivalent to asking a vegetarian or member of PETA to hold the hammer you are using to kill the pig to make a sausage. I'm not trying to be graphic or anything, but in my eyes, that is how I feel. Most people will not see it like that, but if it makes you feel better, most people think Don Quixote was crazy as well. Think of this as my battle of giants, if you will.

Also, I am not asking you to agree with how I feel. You don't think smoking is a bad thing to do? That's your decision. It's my decision to feel the way I do about it. Let's use the vegetarian example again. If they think its a crime to kill an animal for sustenence, then that is how they feel. I personally think God made animals out of edible meat for a reason, but that's just my stomach talking.

Some people have a hot button issue, and this is mine, for some unexplained reason. I have heard some good points from everyone from family to friends who live a state or two away. I have taken what you guys have said to heart, but it really has not changed my outlook much. I still to this second have this pit feeling in my stomach, this feeling in my counscious that I did something wrong. It has caused me to not be able to sleep and not be able to eat. Yes, I have nearly fasted for 24 hours, which shocks me that I am still alive more than anything. Heck, I just had a small sandwhich and a plain tortilla, and I feel worse than a Thanksgiving turkey. I know part is stress from work, and I'm worrying too much, plus the heat, but it is something that has weighed extremely heavily the past day. I did not write that entry nor took anyone's advice lightly.

I am saying all of this just to tell you that I am using this as a positive experience as much as I can. Its not me trying to avoid work or trying to be a nusiance at work. It has genuinely been an eye-opening experience for me. I, for one, didn't know I felt so opposed to smoking. I say all of this, but I also know that I can't just allow myself to be complacent about something like this. Maybe this is the start of me making my own morals and discovering more about my personality. This could also be the start of an allengator with a slight bit more backbone than before. I still feel bad about this whole thing and I won't forget that, but I am making an effort to better myself as well.

One last thing is that I probably have redirected part of my rant in the wrong direction. I got too preachy for my own good, and I humbly apologize for that. The whole point of they entry and the rant wasn't about how I feel about smoking, nor why I don't like checking on register 11. It was more along the lines of the fact that I was told to do something that I was completely uncomfortable with, and despite my objections and feelings towards it, I had to go through with it for the sake of corporate profit. My main complaint is that I don't feel like my input is valued at all, and that certain people at work don't even try to make an effort to even take what I say seriously. Yes, I can be goofy, but if I plead not to do something, then I mean it. Heck, aside from joking with people, I mean what I say. I genuinely thank you for helping me out. I do think your argument is plausible. I think the assesment during your performance review was wrong.

The last few days have been more than an eye opener for me at work. Those certain people, the group that is in charge, they don't give two licks about what I say. They smirk when I ask for help. They think I am exaggerating when I say that an aisle needs stocked bad. When I suggest something, I might as well have as much credence as a bullfrog in heat. All in all, I'm just a peon, a pleb, a pushover. Someone who is there to fill a quota. Someone who can take abuse and not say anything. It makes me feel invisible, small, and insignificant. When I ask for one thing, just one thing to prevent me from feeling some violated, they don't take it seriously. I know my views seem crazy, and I don't expect anyone to ever understand, but when you don't take someone's morals the least bit seriously, when you have other readilly available options, when the one person who usually does what you want asks for a small provision and you ignore that, that is when I get like this. I now know that I will never be considered for a different position or truly feel like I have a voice, because they never thought I had one to begin with.

There are a lot more specific reasons I can cite to show how I feel like I am not valued there, but they all stem to a lack of respect and refusal to do anything but a one way communication system. That is how I see it. Again, it'll be hard to make me feel different. I am not asking for everyone to give into my demands, and I am not asking for me to win every argument, but I am asking to at least give what I say some thought. Sometimes I do have an idea that could prove beneficial if they would just listen. By the way, I am STILL trying to advocate for a glass/porcelin trash bin, went to management, the store manager, meetings, where it was agreed upon my peers as a good idea, and there is yet to be a bin to be seen. Three years I have asked for it, been told they were "working on it", and been told it was a good idea. I guess it was to give me an illusion that I was one bit meaningful.

I say all this, but this is still the best job I ever had. How screwed up is that? Granted, its only my second job.....perhaps its just a commentary on how underacheiving my life is. Meh.

This was meant to be an addition, but turned into another full-blown entry. I'm so sorry to take up too much of your time. I will try to post happier and less angsty thoughts next time.

At least, thanks for reading and giving me some voice. That's more than some do.

The Allengator
Tags: meaningful

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