February 27th, 2012

Ice King, Adventure Time

My Last Day Alive

On the subject of the rambling thoughts of my mind lately, I feel the need to share a dream I just had.  To preface this entry, I want to say that I often dream of my death, usually in gruesome ways.  One time, I was impaled from behind to the point that the spear was sticking out of my mouth (that would definitely be an ouchie), and another I was being chased by my so-called friends in a field and they overtook me and burnt me at the stake.  What is odd is that these don't bother me.  Perhaps its the fact that it is so over the top that it doesn't scare me, or maybe it just seems too unrealistic.  I really don't have a good answer for that.  In fact when I tell people I often dream of my gruesome death the reactions range from "that's disturbing" to "seek professional help".  Let me say that I don't welcome nor obsess over these things, but see them as my subconscious pulling a prank on the rest of my conscious.  The id is pretty ticked off when that happens.

So yes, I dream of death often, but a recent one has weighed a lot on my mind lately.  The dream is actually simple, but I think reveals a lot about my attitude.  My doctor comes to my house, which is weird because he is not known for making house calls.  I've been feeling really down and ill, and he tells me without sugarcoating it "You only have 24 hours to live".  I'm not old or deathly ill, just under the weather. so I asked him if he was joking, and he told me with a straight face he was not.  He then goes into some kind of "Your air and blood tubes are closing in.  Soon you won't be able to breathe or feel anything.   No one has ever lived more than a day when hearing about this."  He leaves and then I have to prepare for my funeral and take care of any last minute business or items.  Instead, I lay there, stunned.  I don't cry, I don't scream.  Nothing.  I just lie there in fear of the inevitable, waiting for death to come to me.  The thing is that I am good enough to go around, do anything I want, but I have a small window of opportunity to tie up loose ends on this earth.  And I just lay there.  I did nothing while my family gathered around me and I started to give away my stuff.  Then I close my eyes for the final time, and I wake up freaked out.

I've never had that violent of a reaction to a dream before.  I used to have nightmares as a kid, which are silly now that I'm older, but this one really got to me.  Would I really waste my last day on this Earth, especially when I have the capabilities to do whatever I want?  Would I die with regrets of not living life to the fullest?  Do I have unfinished business that I need to attend to?  It is actually an interesting thought exercise that usually I admittedly don't pay attention to.  When asked that question, I say that I don't regret anything nor fear it, but in my dream, in my subconscious, I am scared, and I feel remorse for this happening.  What is left unsaid?  What else do I need to do in this life?

Sure, I have goals and somewhat of a bucket list.  One is to travel down the entirety of route 66 across the country.  Another is to visit all the Hard Rock Cafes in America.  Obvious ones include a wife, family, and the "American Dream".  I want all of that.  With my new job and holidays and whatnot, the trips are a reality.  However, I'm not even close to achieving that goal of having a family of my own.  I know I balk about that a lot on here, but if I were to die alone, I would die regretful. 

Next time you are asked that question, if you only have a week, or a day to live, think about it long and hard.  Sure, it may not be realistic, but imagine you were told you will definitely without fail die on this day in a week's time, how would you feel?  Would you regret anything?  Would you do something differently?  Would you travel or do something different or out of character?  Who would you tell?  Who would care and be there for you?

Perhaps this is from my recent studying of items of a philosophical nature.  Maybe this is my wake up call to do something.  Whatever it is, I'm confused about any action to take.  I'm going to try some new things in the coming months to see what happens, like an experiment.  I'm interested to see if my basic nature really is changing, or if I need to get back to reality and face life head on.

I want to do more than I did in my dream.  That's all I know for certain right now.

The Allengator