December 24th, 2009

Ice King, Adventure Time

We Need Better Santas!

After watching a skit on a local news program I came to a stunning conclusion: There are very few times when someone impersonating Santa has NOT been creepy. I'm going to run down the main Santas I have seen in my time.

  • There are the people, usually female, who just put on a suit and hat without a beard. They don't even try to sound like Santa. I call these the "Santa Cosplayers". Tey don't count.
  • Another group that doesn't count are the adult Santas. Are there seriously people who are turned on by Santa?
  • There is the Santa in "The Christmas Story". He was obviously a salesperson who kicks a kid in the face. Not creepy, but disturbing.
  • There is the Santa in "Frosty the Snowman" - The Rankin/Bass special. That santa scares me, mostly because he is horribly disfigured.
  • The Santa in "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" looks like an unsanitary doll.
  • There's the "Santa Clause" trilogy. I'm sorry, but I just see Tim Allen in a tacky suit. Too many years of Home Improvement.
  • There's the people who obviously has a pillow under their suit. I don't think "Hey, a Jolly Fat Man", I think "Wow, a weirdo with a pillow shaped belly".
  • The original "Miracle on 34th Street" Santa was awesome. No complaints here.
  • Inversely, the Santa from "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" gave me nightmares.
  • There's the Santa in the M&Ms holiday commercial (They DO exist). That Santa was a pansy.
  • There was a special telling of the real Saint Nicholas. I don't remember the title of the movie, but he was ok for an arabian Santa.
  • There is also a cartoon telling the Story of Santa Claus. He too was creepy.
  • A computer game called "Elf Bowling" is set in a Hawaiian setting, and you see Santa in a swinsuit/speedo. Wow.
  • Anyone who is obviously a newscaster or hired actor are just sad.
  • Come to think of it, I have never seen a Rankin/Bass special where Santa didn't come off as a creepy unsanitary puppet or mishapen midget.
  • The cover of "Bad Santa" scars me for life.
  • Any drawing of Santa from the 19th-20th century are ok, as long as it is realistic looking and only done in ink.
  • One of my friends was Santa a work, taking complimentary photos with him. He said "Ho Ho Ho" in a way that made him sound like he either was on viagra or a gay western. Maybe both.
  • Same person also commented on how his trousers kept wanting to fall off.
  • There is National Lampoons Christmas Vacation. The cartoon intro was wrong, but Chevy Chase was....never mind, still wrong.
  • The Santa in "Awesome Video Games" Christmas Specials acts like a drunken, caffinated freak.
  • Any Santa on ice is just unflattering.

So that one good Santa I've ever really seen. People either over or under act the part and its got to stop. Seriously. Why are there such a huge lack of good Santas out there? I remember most of my childhood feeling awkward when watching a Santa special on tv or in real life and even though it isn't as bad now, the awkwardness still lingers. This is an epidemic that has gone on for too long.

Of course I now realize that this note is too late, so please read this again 11 months from now. Think of the children.

Merry Christmas

The Allengator