November 5th, 2009

Ice King, Adventure Time

Classes Colleges Should Offer - My Attempt at Humor

College is awesome, but for those of us seeking specific majors, I can't help but feel that they don't prepare us for the real world events we will face, so I suggest adding the collowing classes to the curriculum as follows:

Computer Programming Majors:
CIS 245 - Advanced Caffeine Techniques:
This class is a continuation of "basic caffeiene techniques", but since most of you are familliar with caffeine anyways, we decided to warn you about the dangers or caffeiene poisoning and how to make a buzz-worthy cocktail.

Philosophy Majors:
PHL 125 - Growing Your Hair Long
A requirement to be a philosophy major is learning how to grow your hair ludicrously long, grow beards, mustaches, and bushy unibrows. Other topics include existentialism of hair, hair the musical, maintenance (and lack therof) of your hair.

English Majors:
ENG 310 - Simple Speaking Seminar
After learning about proper formatting, grammar, vocabulary, and spelling, we teach you to learn how to communicate like a human being, because how many people actually know the meaning of the word ephemeral? Required materials: My life in Words - An Autobiography by George W. Bush.

Mathematics Majors:
MTH 965 - Applied Theoretical Imaginary Equations
If you don't understand the title, then there is no hope for you as a math major.

Chemistry Majors:
CHM 325 - Professionalism in the Lab
The class will cover how to put on those white lab coats, pocket protectors, plastic rimmed glasses, and carry a beaker of a brightly colored isotope that looks like Mountain Dew without spilling it. Required materials: Mountain Dew.

Biology Majors:
BIO 050 - Biology in the 60's
The course will cover the proper kinds of plants that will fit in a barrel of a gun, an analysis of the movie "Little Shop of Horrors", and the correct way to hug a tree since plants have feelings.

Teaching Majors:
TCH 235 - Dealing With Crybabies
We look into the world of childhood traumas and will give you hands on experience with students in the English department.

Physics Majors:
PHY 280 - Cartoon Physics
Topics include the elasticity of coyote's arms, the atomic weight of both real and inflatable anvils, temporary levitation, non-lethal force from explosions in close proximity, and the nonlethality of falling from a 10 story building. Suggested materials: Hard hats, though they will not do much good.

Psychology Majors:
PSY 121 - Mommy Issues
This class will teach you how to trace everyone's problems to their mother. This is required prior to graduating.

History Majors:
HST 250 - Who Will Remain
Who will be forever known in the history of mankind. As history continues to grow on a daily basis, who will remain and who will be forgotten? Who decides this? We will also cover ways to figure out who is important enough to remember throughout all time. Required materials: DVDs of Family Guy, The Simpsons, and Celebrity Deathmatch.

Culinary Arts Majors:
CUL 115 - Untinsil Tricks
We will discuss and demonstrate the art of doing those tricks with knives, spatulas, and pancakes in this hands-on class, assuming you still have them by finals time. Because most people know that you don't go to Japanese restaurants for the food, you go to see if they accidently slice a digit off, which may happen in this class.

Business Majors:
BUS 225 - Managerial Grievances
The class will cover how to make groups of employees work together towards a common goal, specifically marketing, engineering, and sales. There will be a hands on portion with students from the programming, automotive, and philosophy departments working towards building a working boat. A passing grade will be given if nuclear war does not happen.

Automotive Majors:
AUT 102 - Foul Language
Foul language is the trademark of a good mechanic. Other topics include smoking, drinking, and low-riding pants.

Computer Repair Majors:
CPU 270 - Current Events.
No pun intended. We will discuss a series of tubes, avoiding the "hey, you know about computers" precedent, trading in tech support books for Google searches, and lolcats.

Networking Majors:
NET 950 - Connecting Baby Boomers to the Internet
This class will test the limits of any Linux user as they try to get their parent's PC with Windows Vista onto a network, then showing them how to use a mouse and keyboard and how to check email. This is a practical class with an emphasis on patience.

Media Production Majors:
EMP 150 - Meme Advertising
Topics include: How to make a commercial stand out, why Head On continues to sell, viral marketing, getting noticed on Youtube (we discuss pure chance), legal uses of Trogdor, how to contact Rick Astley for an endorsement, and strategic marketing scare tactics from Billy Mayes and Marshie.

Graphic Design Majors:
GPH 165 - Expert Designing Techniques
We will look at World of Warcraft, Dungeons and Dragons, Homestar Runner, Facebook, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, Super Smash Brothers Brawl, Twitter, XKCD, and hopefully learn something about graphic design.

Physical Education Majors:
PEM 201 - The Importance of Mental Health
We will meet two times in the semester and talk about the importance of mental health while doing reps, playing 3 on 3 basketball, and lifting weights. Counting past 100 is a prerequisite for this course.

Electronic Engineer Major:
EEM 202 - Creative Outlet
This class is designed for us to discuss the ethics and coolness of video games, character development of anime and manga, and the Americana age of comic books. This class is designed to be a discussion class so you can focus on the other EEM classes.

Now I know I touched on a lot of "stereotypes" with these, but this is in all good fun, and I made fun of myself about 10 times in here, so take it lightly. This doesn't reflect my feelings towards anyone or any group. If you laugh or nod because its true, then my work here is done :).

The Allengator