September 26th, 2009

Ice King, Adventure Time

From Random to Emotional in 30 Minutes!

So here I am listening to the BareNakedLadies, wondering what to type in this entry thingie. I suppose tonight will be "random thoughts from my life".

The minilappy is functional (and what I am currently using). Its good, but its no powerhorse. Let me tell you, you notice the difference when you go from a basic desktop to these things. My main complaint is the CPU speed. The minilappy is not very good at the whole multitasking thing. I also can't play some of my games, especially any 3D ones. It does run Office and Visual Studio, so it will serve its purpose for now. I also had to get an external dvd drive to install some programs on. Normally I would rip them into an ISO file on my other lappy, but some of those dvds you just can't do that with, or do without some problems. People who did that with Fallout 3 knows what I am talking about. THEN I had to buy a dvd decoder so I can play dvds on here. I already knew about the dvd drive, but I didn't know about the encoder. Outside of those complaints, I do love the lightness, battery life, and quiet fan noises of this machine. Its definately a keeper. All in all, if you aren't a gamer or power user and mainly surf the Internet, you should consider getting one along with a RAM upgrade. I added a gig to this machine and it now run muuuch smoother.

Not to sound like a teenager going through puberty....again, but I've been once again thinking about relationships and stuff right now. By relationships and stuff I totally just mean relationships, and what would happen if I were to enter a relationship with certain people, or rather what could happen. Its tough to think about these things. Right now I am in the frame of mind to look around at a lot of girls, not that I am oogling or anything, perish the thought. I just take stock in their personalities and think about the things that are either a compliment to my personality or a stark contrast. I've also been doing some introspection, and I think its about time I admitted what makes me hesitate.

Truth is, I think I'm still reeling from my previous breakup.

Petty? Silly? Stupid? Correct on all three counts. Now I don't mean that I am missing her or anything like that, but the reasons we broke up still bother me, not because I don't understand them, but because I think I'm just doomed to repeat them. Now I don't think that it was all my fault, but I know a portion was, and that is why I have stayed away from anything relationship worthy the past few years. It scares me. It terrifies me, honestly. I can say the time right after the breakup was some of the darkest hours in my recent life. I mean heck, I was thinking about running head on into oncoming traffic. I was stupid. Heck, I still am, not that I have those thoughts anymore, but its a different kind of stupid.

Perhaps I'm not meant to be tied up to anyone. Maybe I should just get these thoughts out of my head of love and companionship, and never worry about them. I will just grow old and aside from some friends, alone. In all honesty, if I can't find a way to make myself comfortable, then I should just forget about it, for good.

A long time ago there was a kid in a boarded up room with a bunch of other kids, and he had with him a piece of paper that decided his fate with a certain girl. He wanted to wait until after school so he could process everything the note had, but another kid, a bully, stole it from him. He opened it up, spat in the kid's face, and said the kid was rejected. The kid didn't believe him, hid the note in his pocket, and sure enough, after school, there it was in black in white. No. I don't have the feelings that you do.

The kid hasn't spoken to her since.

Rejection isn't the issue now, its the pain from failing. The pain was bad, and in all honesty it didn't make me a better person. It made me more weary, afraid, and cynical about relationships. So you can say that all in all, I'm just vulnerable on the inside, much more than I tout about in public.

So the reason I bring all of this up is just that there are some people at work that are trying to get me to hook up with a certain someone. Granted, I do like her, and she seems to at least tolerate me, but in the end I don't know how she feels about me other than just being a concerned friend. If we end up in a relationship, then I would probably be really happy, but I would be scared out of my skin as well. I can see friction, but I see friction with everyone. I have been tossing the idea in my head for a while now, plus my sister gave her approval of the person in question, so what is stopping me from approaching her.

Doubt and fear.

Anyways, for now I suppose I will just sit here and think on these things, wondering what the future will hold and wondering if I am just meant to be alone. I hate it, but if its meant for me then I won't fight it anymore.

Wow, this "random entry of randomness" was more or less just an episode of me getting in touch with my "sensitive side". Sorry, its just that time of the month :P.

Until next time, sleep tight young lovers.

The Allengator