March 12th, 2009

Ice King, Adventure Time

Why I'm Just Not Ready for a Reunion Now

You may not believe it, but I had a panic attack because of a letter today, an insignificant one at that. I mean maybe repo notices, mortgage payments, or "The city will turn off your electricity" ones are worse, but I have my own set of problems. In short, I got a letter from our esteemed reunion company for my high school. Yes, I panicked over that.

Why did I panic? Well, I was afraid of the social faux pax that would ensue by me not attending. No, that does not mean that I will never attend one, don't get me wrong. Honestly, several people in my graduating class are off doing things, or things they like, and here I am. Not married, not dating, still living with my parents, and working at a local retailer as a stock boy and an overall pawn in some manager's sick little game. In short, this is not where I want to be.

I know the main point of a class reunion is to just get back in touch with friends and just have a fun time reminiscing. I know that. Its just...well...who wants to hear someone say, "Yeah, I work at Wall*Mart. I still live with my parents. Yeah, cheap rent. Oh, you have kids? Well, not. No, we broke up." You can see how that can be a little more than depressing and irritating for someone in my position. I mean don't get me wrong, I still love my freedom, but its just not the ideal place I want to be. I mean living on my own would reflect much better than still freeloading off my parents.

With the economy going down the drain, the likelihood of me getting a more streamlined job in the near future looks grim. Very grim. Honestly, I have little to no pride in where I work at. I did at one time, but with policies and the way things are ran, I have just lost respect for everything. I honestly rarely enjoy myself there, and I know that I have little to no chance of becoming anything else that everyone's little worker boy. I've downright hated my job the past couple of weeks, and I am very vocal in saying so. All that angst aside, work would be a very touchy subject, and since most of my class still knows I work there, I just wouldn't feel comfortable about it.

Then there's the rejecting the invitation debacle. Honestly, the way things are now, I really don't want to go at this point in my life. I know one is coming up, but I really just don't want to go. Nothing against the friends I made along the way there, far from it. Its me. Classic breaking up line, "its not you, its me". It truly is. However, without me being there, and people knowing what I do and where I am, it'll make things awkward. So basically, I feel screwed whether I go or not go.

Now this is not saying I'm not happy with my life, its just that I'm not really proud of it right now. Here I am, probably one of the top ten percent in my class as far as GPA goes, still going to college, still living in the same place with the same people, still just alone. Its pathetic. If I were to write a book (I wonder if I could compile my blogs and sell it on the market. Doubt it'd make much money with the mendacity it contains), this would be the shortest and less impressive time in my life. I am trying to make changes, but I have a plan, and that plan still has yet to be completed. That's all.

Thankfully, the letter that sparked this dialog was just to make me update my information, with no apparent reunion on the horizon, for now. I'm afraid that one will be soon (I could have sworn there was a 4-5 year one, then one for 10 years), and when the real deal comes up, that I will still not be ready. I wish things would just progress faster, or not at all. Unfortunately, neither option is viable in a linear time stream, so I am just stuck in limbo.

The limbo called life.

The Allengator