January 31st, 2009

Ice King, Adventure Time

Again, Just Because Sara Asked About it. XD The Purple Flower Story

On my previous endeavor, I said I am a fan and teller of the "purple flower stories". Well, just in case you were wondering what those are, this will tell you everything you need to know.

Purple flower stories/jokes are a staple of high schools and colleges everywhere. They are a joke, in which the teller is obviously fabricating a story, and it is purposefully long and drawn out, taking minutes to tell or read. The jokee is expecting a major payoff in the end, but gets shafted with a dumb punchline at the end. It is similar to the "Peteys" I write from time to time.

Now there are many different versions, but I am choosing the one I think best personifies the purple flower example. May I present, the story of purple flowers!

The Purple Flower Story
As told by the Allengator

Once there was a boy named Timmy. Her was in the 3rd grade. That is all you need to know. Anyways, a group of kids, including Timmy, were taking part in a dare. No matter what the question the teacher asked, the dared one had to answer "purple flowers" to the inquirey. Well, Timmy drew the short straw, so the task was at hand. He had to say "purple flowers" at the next time a question was asked.

The class was arithmatic, and the teacher asked the class, "Who knows the sum of 389 and 491?" Timmy dutifully raised his hand, and said in a small voice, "Purple flowers". The teacher turned her head and walked to Timmy's desk. She said "Please repeat your answer". "Purple flowers", replied Timmy. The teacher's face turned as red as a baboon's hind quarters and she dragged Timmy to the principal's office.

"...and he answered with "purple flowers"," finished Mrs. Gracey. "Can we expell him now?" Timmy was confused. Why was the phrase "Purple flowers" so bad? "I'm afraid I have to agree with your teacherm Timmy," said the principal. "You are expelled from school as we have a zero purple flowers tolerance policy. May God have mercy on your soul." With that, Timmy was kicked out of school.

Timmy walked home in shame and confusion. He did not get it. He made it to the curb and walked in the house. "Why are you home so early? Did the boiler break down again?" inquired his mom. "No, I.....I got expelled from school." "But you're so well behaved, sweetie. This must be a mistake. What happened? Mom will make it better." "The teacher asked what was the sum of 389 and 491, and I answered with "purple flowers"." His mother's face turned the same shade of red. Timmy was promptly taken to his room. "Just wait until your dad comes home."

Now Timmy was totally confused and scared, as nothing is more frightening than waiting for your father to come home. He heard steps going up to his room. His dad sat on his bed, put his arm around Timmy, and asked, "Your mother said something happened and that I needed to hear it for myself. What happened?" Timmy swallowed hard and said, "I don't know what's wrong with everybody, but they seem to go ballistic when I say, "purple flowers"". The next thing he knew, Timmy was kicked out of his house and disowned. "I have no son", said his father in deep shame.

As Timmy was walking, the maid at his former house walked up. I bet you can guess what happened. Long story short, he was running away in tears. Then the night came.

Timmy had nowhere to go. Suddenly, a cop's car pulled up, and asked Timmy what a kid his age was doing out this late. Timmy explained about being kicked out of his house because he said "purple flowers". Before the 's' was sounded, Timmy heard handcuffs being put on his writst. He learned the Miranda Rights, and was taked to a holding facility, awaiting trial.

During the trial, Timmy said that no matter who he talks to, be it parents, cops, or anyone else, whenever he says "purple flowers", something bad happens to him. after a unamimous vote by his peers, he was sentenced to death row waiting execution immediately.

Playing his harmonica, he saw his jailmate. His name was Biff. They exchanged pleasantries. Then came the obvious question. "Why are you on death row, kid? what are you, only 10?" Knowing he had nothing to lose, Timmy told Biff, "I say "purple flowers", and here I am". "That makes no sense, kid. What's wrong with saying "purple flowers?" "EXACTLY!!!!" yelled Timmy. "Kid, I know you may not have much time left, but let me give you's a piece of advice. If you ever say anything, be it "purple flowers" or not, say it like you mean it. There is nothing worse than regretting what you say in life, or however much longer you have." "Ok."

"Its national "Let a Prisoner Go Day", and you're selected, kid." said the warden. "Enjoy your life and freedom." Timmy went out, advice in his mind, and now flash forward 20 years later. Timmy is the head of a very successful multi-billion dollar company, and is happy. A reporter from Fortune 500 came in, and asked Timmy, "Mr. Timothy, what is the key to your success?" "Well, a wise man on death row told me that whatever I said needed to be said like I mean it. With that, I made very wise investments and here I am." "That's nice, now-...wait, why were you on death row?" "Hahaha. Its an odd story. Evidently, the whole world went nuts and freaked when they heard the phrase "purple flowers"-" and the reporter stormed out and ran away as fast as she could, but unfortunately got ran over by a bus when trying to get away.

Now kiddies, what is the moral of the story? The answer is below.

Nope, it's not to never say "purple flowers". Think again.

The moral of the story is: Look both ways before crossing the street.

Q.E.D. That is the purple flower story. I hope it didn't anger you too much.

The Allengator