January 22nd, 2009

Shakugan no Shana, Shana

Feeling Blah Despite Being Myself

Ok, so I am trying to get better at being patient and going with the flow, which are two traits not easy for people in my family. We have a reputation of getting our faces as red as our necks. I pray for patience and being slow to anger every day. I'm not saying I'm going all hippie on you or anything, but if there isn't a conflict, why start one?

That being said, I seem to be developing emotions other than anger or whatever. It's like a pipeline. If one outlet is blocked off, then the extra pressure is applied to the other outlets. Well, it may make physicists grit their teeth, but that is the best analogy I could find. I am not turning into an emotional volcano, either. Its getting to where I am not showing my emotions much. I am pretty sure I have gone through this rant before, but really, it feels different this time.

Here is the truth. It has felt awkward in my house lately. In fact, with the exception of my mother, its just like walking in a minefield. You just want to stand there and not bother the environment around you. Work is ok, but I'm not working, which is probably why its ok. I got my latest paycheck, and it was below $200. School has been a mixture of interesting, boring, and annoying. Springfield traffic makes me nervous. I spend most of my days off laying in bed, surfing the net. In short, my life kinda sucks.

Really, I should be furious at the hours work has given me. As much as I have dedicated and the work ethic I have, I deserve more than some people there. I know complaining will come to no good. It should be people getting cut across the board and not just a handful week by week, a group I seem to be perpetually caught up in. People make comments about my absence. Some people are shocked because I am still working there, because they thought I got another job or something, because they haven't seen me there. I think I would be justified in my anger.

In contrast, is how I am handling the situation. No, I'm not happy about it, but I am not out to make everyone miserable by complaining about my hours. I know there are businesses closing. People are losing their jobs. The economy is in really bad shape. I mean I try to think of how the situation could be worse, and it could be. So if I average it out, then I can be partially bitter and partially semi-content, which means I'm really just there. A warm body to fill a quota.

Maybe my new philosophy is, "it could be worse". I don't know. As long as I keep my brain occupied with something, I guess I'm good. Anyways, I've honestly kinda lost interest in this entry, so I'm going to go ahead and close it up for now.

Enjoy life!

The Allengator