Well, I don't know exactly what is bothering me, but I think I can best summarize it as a lack of something in my life. I am not sure, but here is what I think I mean, and what it entails. It is one word that has been close to the bane of my existence lately:
I will be frank and honest with you. Honestly, you cannot understand how I feel unless you are in a similar situation right now, and I know few if any people that there is. Its a hard thing to grasp, but the outlaying theme is there.
Looking at that, I know what you're thinking, "Aw crap, he is going all emo about being single again." Au contraire. Now while I really want the company of a female in my life like a camel needs water, that isn't really what I mean. I will summarize how I feel with a cynical affirmation:
We, as a nation, are becoming more apathetic and unconnected.
Face it. Its true. Despite text messaging, social networking sites, and instant messaging, we have forgotten the fine art of company. It may seem like we interact a lot, but based off of what I have seen the past few weeks, that is far from the truth.
Anyways, take a good look at your life. Look at it good and hard. Think of your friends. Now does a certain one stand out in your mind? If one does, then I would call that person a companion. Let me put it into laymen terms. This is someone who is with you through thick and thin, comes by unannounced, you hang out with almost or more than family, that will call you on a random day just to see how you are without any strings attached. Someone who will make you feel better, that will listen, that knows what buttons to push and make you feel better. Someone who tries. Someone you can count on more than other people. Someone you pretty much have an exclusive close bond with.
I want that.
Perhaps it is your husband/wife. Maybe its a roommate. There might be a chance it is a friend you've known since childhood. In other words, a constant in your life.
This is not saying that I have no friends or not. All you guys are terrific. Its just that...I feel like there is not one thing I can count on, and it depresses the heck out of me.
The odd thing is that years ago, I figured being solitary and somewhat aloof was a better way to be. No one to count on, no one to let you down, as most do. Just counting on myself and the kindness of others. That was going to be my life. I never thought about what happened when its hard to find kindness in others. That dream has more than not been pulled out from under my feet and here I am, alone.
Let me put it this way. People nowadays don't seem as nice, things are not exciting, having fun feels hollow, humor seems lost, food doesn't feel as fulfilling, and I think I'm starting to lose who I really am. Sure, I joke and kid, but I am a person as well, and people seem to forget that. "Its Allen. Wonder what the punchline is today." The punchline is that I feel empty. With that, I either get ignored, not taken seriously, or laughed at. Its like people don't know me, and when I show myself, they don't care because I am probably too mundane or conservative for their tastes. Its sucks, honestly.
Then I do go through a change, I stop kidding as much. I look unhappy, unfulfilled. People say I haven't been my old self for a couple of months, and that would be a correct assessment as far as I'm concerned. If they saw the world through my eyes, they would understand. The truth is that I am turning more cynical and weary by the day, seeing people as nothing but wolves who tear characters apart and kicks dirt all over others. Its like I am progressing into elderhood without stopping at my mid-life crisis or parenthood. Yet, here I am, believing little in others and just letting people live in their little delusional worlds. If they don't care, then why should I?
This is what I mean by having someone to pull you back, to show you the better in things. If you have someone you can count on to pull you out of these funks, then bully for you. The fact is that I really don't, and things are really starting to happen to the point of no return. I absolutely hate it, but it seems like I will end up there sooner or later, and the prior looks more apt. Some people call it maturity, but I call it torture. Not saying I don't want to grow up, but this isn't how I envisioned the world years ago. It seems darker, grayer, more evil and demented than before, and nothing I does changes that. I once thought I could help liven things up, add color and perspective to lives, but I guess that is one kid's fantasy that will never come to fruition. I don't want to change the world, perish the thought. I just want to change perspectives, and I fail at that. As they say, I am down for the count, and it feels like my number is up for giving up. Not my physical life, but the ambitions of old.
If someone can grab that arm, can stop it, can show me different, then it wouldn't seem so bleak at the moment, but no one has succeeded yet. I don't know if I had that companion in my life if he or she would be able to help, but if they tried, it would probably nullify things. By now, who knows.
Sorry if this is dark or depressing. This is how I feel in the grand scheme of things. The smile, the perkiness, those are either temporary or not real. Sorry, but the expiration date on tolerance is past. I just feel like another cog in society. This long winded explanation is why I haven't told many. Not only because it is long, but they wouldn't understand. I've been through a lot in the past few months, but the world just keeps moving, not caring, and possibly kicking.
There goes that arm for the count again.