Allen (allengator86) wrote,

The Product of My Self-Therapy Session

As per a recent ritual I started, I drove home on the old highway yesterday from school. Now that I have work on Tuesdays (er...hallelujah?) again, I use the interstate to get home faster so I can get ready. Then every other Thursday is paycheck day, and the easiest route to take to work is, again, the interstate, so now I only go on the old road on alternate Thursdays.

My driving patterns may not make much sense or special meaning to you, and I don't expect them too, but I still appreciate the quietness and slowness the old road has. It usually is relaxing and not as stressful as the quicker, more efficient interstate, but it has its charms. In the modern society of constantly being on the go, its good to just relax and take in God's creation, wondering how he came up with all of it.

That being said, I also use it to think about various things in my life. Where I am headed. Its funny, really. In life, we can't always predict where it will lead us, but here I am, trying to figure it out where I am going, and yet I am on this curvy road with a specific destination in mind. Life is like it, I guess. I always thought it would be more efficient and easier to just make straight lines between places, instead of the hills, curves, and gravel. Why not do it more like that?

One reason, just like life, is that you can't predict these things. Let's be realistic. Would you rather go on a plain, non-changing road, or would you rather go on one that has twists and some variety. In life, would you rather have a map on where you life is going to go, from point A to point B, or would you rather have some diversions, whether good or bad. I hate to admit it, but predictable is boring, at times. Necessary, but boring.

Alright, enough with the road analogies. As I said before, I was just thinking on life while listening to some of my favorite tunes on my mp3 player. For some odd reason, I wasn't enjoying it as much as I usually do. It felt like it was just protocol, something necessary to be done. I didn't even enjoy my music like I usually do. Truth be told, I was thinking about myself. I know that sounds narcissistic, but you do have to think of yourself some of the time. Its cheaper than a shrink.

Anyways, I was thinking of who I am and what I want. That issue has come up unexpectedly, and I have to come to terms with it. Now, I know its impossible to please every person, but sometimes you have to wonder if changing something about yourself will make you more popular with people, an aspect of your personality, I mean. I do harbor a twisted secret, that only few know. Now most of these people will say its nothing, and it may be nothing, but its something to me. It seems wrong, yet I long for it. I'm not going to admit on a public forum what it is, as I'm afraid people will judge me, but everyone has one of these things in their being.

Sure, it makes me who I am, but when society snubs its nose at it, you have to wonder if you should change it. I will give an example, that is closely related to mine. Say you are looking for a mate, but you are totally aroused only by brunettes, or you hope other people will dye it brunette for you. Now this example is mild, I know, and silly as well. But there are people out there who refuse to date someone who is a redhead or refuses to change the color of her hair. That is the kind of thing I'm facing. Not that mild, but closer than any example I could come up with.

Now say you find someone who fulfills at least part of these desires, but doesn't want to dye her hair or anything. Or say that you want to dye your own hair, and when you mention it, she says little to encourage it. She may have seemed to support you at first, but doesn't say or ever mention it herself later on. You start to wonder. Should I just give up these ridiculous desires for something more conventional, or should I just move on, hoping you find someone who understands, though finding one is extremely rare, and the chances of chemistry working out is slimmer than that. On the flip side, if you settle into something that doesn't fulfill this, you may not be as passionate a mate as one who would.

But you know some truths. Some people can't stand the fact that you're a brunette, or that you want to cosmetically want to become one. Some people, including friends will abandon you or think you're psychotic for attempting this. You know society may, overall, shun you. You wonder. Should I change myself? Should I go for more conventional thinking? Should I become more like the average joe who has a better chance of living a happy life? Should I just return the shadows, into obscurity? These are the issues I face. Yet you're afraid that if you change yourself, then you will still end up losing people.

That has been what has been floating in my head the past couple of days. I mean yeah, I look for personality first and foremost, but some attraction should be physical, in one way or another. No, I am not talking about anything drastic, like changing my sexuality (never) or gender (ditto), so those that know me, freak out not. I'm just telling you the average anxieties of a 20-something guy in this day and age. When I get married, I may look back on this and see if I was worried over nothing.

With that, I leave you. If you want to talk, we can talk. I will see you guys later.

The Allengator
Tags: meaningful

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