Allen (allengator86) wrote,

Old Stuff is Now Available. Issues Arrise.

Not much to say today.....well....anything that wouldn't be overly depressing anyways. Just some heads up about stuff on here.

I have finally added "memories" entries to my LJ. If you go to this link here then you will (hopefully) see my old blog entries on here from both my "Open Diary" way back in 2001 up to and including my Xanga. I may check and add other previous stuff on here as I see fit. Just remember, these were written long ago and may not reflect how I am now. Some of the stuff is stupid, some is dark, and some I am actually proud of. I doubt anyone will care, considering my popularity on here, but it is all there for posterity.

I am not sure whether I will have a "Heroes/Chuck" review this week or not. Depends on how the day ends up homework-wise. I will say while Chuck remains awesome, Heroes somehow manages to walk the line between utter repetitive crap and genius. This is coming from a fan too. If I get to it, I will explain.

Then there's the whole "how I am feeling" hoopla that one normally writes about in these things. In short, I'm not doing well, and I would prefer not to elaborate on a public forum. I think it started out a few days ago, but has evolved into something else entirely. Truth is, is that I feel detached from everybody. I mean I know everyone is busy with college, work, and life in general, and I understand. Its just that sometimes....sometimes I feel like I am bending over backwards to just talk to people, logging on at school, replying to random stuff on Facebook just to get a dialogue going, amongst other things.

However, I haven't had a good conversation for a few days, especially ones I instigate. Its like the job of conversation has been a lost cause and sometimes I wonder why I even bother. No one seems to care, as many of them have ended up being dead. You know the kind, the one where you stare at a console, and 40 minutes has passed since the last response.

Then again, not saying I'm not guilty, but when I need to talk to someone, it would be nice to know that someone is there to talk to me. For instance, I'm not feeling truly happy or anything (I've been plastering a happy face at work. No one wants to see a depressed associate) the past few days. Something happened to me Saturday, and it just nearly tore me apart. I mention this, but the topic is glazed over. There's no, "Talk to me. I want to know what's wrong" or "I want you to tell me what happened". Its just "I hope you get better" or "If you want to talk about it...." which translates in my book to "Meh, talk to me if you feel like it". I want to know you actually care and are trying to make an effort. The point is that I shouldn't feel the need to rant about this.

I would consider seeing a psychologist, but one, they cost money. Actually, that's the main thing. They cost money. How pathetic is it that you the only person you can talk to and will help you is someone who you have to pay? Seriously. I've been praying. I've been seeking answers. I've tried talking, but no one seems to be talking back. They have their own problems. I'll listen. I want to know what's up. You shouldn't even have to ask. I want to know.

Of course now that I bring this up, there might be a response or two to it. Maybe. Sad really. I mean it takes a general public post to hit your conscience, even if I may or may not be referring to you (I'm not to anyone in particular). If you do feel some guilty, then....why? That is all I have to ask. I feel like I have done everything that I could. Maybe I'll spend the next few days not starting any conversations, see who still talks to me. Maybe I won't. I'm just tired of waiting for the rest of the world to get their act together.

I mean if people aren't trying, then why should I?

The Allengator

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