Allen (allengator86) wrote,

Open Diary Archive (JazzyTrombone's Diar-er, Journal) - 2005 - Part 2

Jazzytrombone, no Phd. (In memorandum) - 7/21/2005

This entry is dedicated to Rebecca, her friends and family.  May you rest in peace.


Read the title….self explanatory…….meh


I've always felt weird.  You see, I am going into the computer field and, well, I like fixing computers.  Here is an interesting fact you probably don't know, about 3 times a week at least, I get told that I would make a good psychiatrist or counselor.  I help people with problems, you know, relationship trouble, family stuff, school, popcorn stuck in the gums….yeah, but they say I help.  They say that, but sometimes I think they say it just to mean “thanks for listening” or to be polite.  You know, spare my feelings at least.  Maybe I do produce good in the world….I dunno…..


I don't think Id like to be a psychiatrist, cause that would mean being a doctor…learning medicine….dealing with freaks….and so on.  Counselor….well……it just is not a good fit for me….again, dealing with drugees, people with edipus problems…..not my cup o' tea.  I would probably get sick of it sometime….move from state to state….try to find different people then the ones I treat…..they follow me…state to state, asking me for some sage advice……like I said, not me.


Anyways, why am I mentioning this?  Well, up till now I thought I was pretty good at this sort of stuff, because I am sort of sensitive and empathetic in some sense. 
had a good friend who died in a car wreck-


(In honor of Rebecca, Wear you seat belts.  They may save your life, or prevent serious injury.  I have always waited until all the passengers in my car are buckled in before I put the car into drive.  I am very gung ho on this sort of thing.  Rebecca, I pray you are in a better place.  RIP.)

                                                          - and her funeral was today.  I personally did not know her, but I have heard nice things about her, mostly from
.  Anyways, she called me up tonight and talked about her [Rebecca] and the funeral.  She, as we both predicted, was scatter brained.  She was in tears one minute, laughing the next, calm….everything.  She was mostly in mourning though.  I've been through a couple of funerals myself, and I know they are hard.  I still think back to
.  God, I miss him.  I know he is in a better place.  I have some things that help me cope with death.  One is that I know that they are in a better place than Earth. Two is that I figure they would not want me sad.  Three is that I think of the good times, the stuff I would miss about them, and stuff I would not, but then it ultimately becomes missed.  Four, I usually console their families.  They make me feel better, not to see them hurt, but to know that my love, support and prayers are in their direction and that God will eventually help.  Five, seeing the people there that this person touched.  All those souls.  Its comforting to know that they have not only affected these people, but those who did not know her, like me.  If you sit and think about it, it's beautiful.  Six, is remembering God's power.  He can create life, he can take it away, but it always humbling to know that you can not prevent his doing.  Seven, remembering my friends and family.  Eight, Remembering other people that have passed on.  Nine, remembering that tomorrow will come, if it is God's will.  The sun will rise, the sun will fall, more lives will be born, and more will be taken away.  Ten, I reserve this for your own input.  Everyone has a different outlet.  Crying, solitude, keeping busy, and their own ways of comfort.  Who am I to not include your own thought?  Anyways, before I got on this wild tangent, she wanted to have a conversation. 


I tried everything I could.  I tried light humor, which may seem inappropriate, but it has worked in this situation before.  I tried empathy.  I tried sympathy.  I tried some of those ten points I mentioned earlier.  I went through every trick I knew, and… did not work.  This is seriously the first time I feel like I have totally let someone down.  She was hurt, I became hurt.  She told me to shut up, be quiet, or basically banning certain topics.  I know she didn't mean those, but coming from her……it made me feel terrible.  So I decided to shut myself up.  All I said was “yeah” or “oh” the rest of the conversation.  She eventually got better and…I don't know.  I felt that I would have served better as a brick wall or something.  I felt like one.  Or a tree.  Or a rock.  I felt that she really didn't need a person or boyfriend to talk to, she needed a wall.  I was a wall.  So we hung up and….even though I said I was ok, I was lying.  I know that's horrible, but I figure when she reads this, it would be a better time to tell her the truth than then.  Trust me, she would have gone ballistic and really lost it.  And I would have remained a brick wall.  I suck at lying by the way.  Somehow, I think she knew…..or not.  But I did not want to hurt her, especially on the day of the funeral. 


Maybe from now on, I should be a brick wall…..a rock maybe?  I doubt I'll even remember being upset tomorrow.  But for now….well, I shall close with a Simon and Garfunkel lyric…..


A rock feels no pain……and an island never cries……..




After last night - 7/21/2005

I'm not feeling too much better about myself right now.  Maybe I can take Erin and her friend to the fair tonight.  ITs this annual thing over here, and I bet it would make all of us feel better.  Thats all I feel like saying.  I pray that everyone feels better and I'm keeping my fingers crossed........wish me luck.





After the after last night - 7/21/2005

I woke up.  I showered.  I shaved.  I got my car ready and junk.  Check my email, turns out she doesn't want to go.....I feel........sigh......I haven't felt this depressed two years ago.  Maybe Erin will feel better, and I'll stay whatever.......I really need to go now.



3rd Semester Down - 8/24/2005

From my Xanga in progress......

Well, today is my first day of college, ad it was not bad to return in the swing of things.  In case you did not know, I am an Electronics Repair (hereafter shortened to ELT) Major, and This is my second year (third semester) of college.  I go to Ozarks Technical Community college (hereafter referred to as OTC).  Here is a Breakdown of my classes:

NET 225 (Windows 2003 Server Operating System) - Thi class will not be one of those breeze over classes, but I had the teacher last semester, and he is pretty awesome.  I am hoping for a B in this class, and it really shouldn't be that hard, me hopes.

IAD 115 (Introduction to (ignore Internet Application Development) E-commerce - The teacher seems pretty cool and one of my friends told me that she is pretty easy.  I THOUGHT this class was going to be about scripting, but alas, it was intro to E-commerce, so I don't know how this will go.  It seems I give it a B or an A, depends how the next couple of weeks shape out.

CIT 120 (Introduction to Computer Iformation Technology) - This class is so easy!  I have went over all the stuff that the class will cover in other clsses, like hardware and networking, so I'm hoping it will be an asy A, well, thats what he says.  My teacher's face is a cross between Andy Griffith and John Ashcroft.  He seems pretty cool.

The only class I have not had yet (I's updating between classes)

ELT 103 (Circuit Analysis II) - Its been a year since my last circuit analysis class, so I hope it's easy.  It is a class of 8, with a teacher who has done tons of stuf, like provide basses and bass amps for people like Johnny Cash's Band.  He seems neat.  Best part - he said most people make an A in his class, so my projected grade is an A.  Yay!  It's a pretty awexome class!

That is my college day, from 8 am - 8 pm.  My IAD class and CIT class are only 5 minutes apart, in the same room!  That's the same room from 11 am - 2:50, nearly 3 hours!!! Well, it's not bad....they are computer desks after all......they keep me occupied.  That's all I have for now.  As I said, I will update soon (either tonight or tomorrow).  See you peeps later!


BIG NOTICE - Formal Farewell - 10/1/2005

As you all can tell, I have taken quite a lengthy hiatus from OD, and there is reason.  I have been searching for  a new journal on the web.  Well, many xangas, myspaces, and bloggers later, I think I found it.  Its on LiveJournal.  My new name on there is allengator86.  I believe the url is  I'm sorry if you have been looking forward to reading more of my life on here, but I wanted a nice change, other stuff this site doesnt offer.  So for now, I bid adeiu to this journal, and it won't be closed, It will still be on here and I will try to keep it up as long as I can.  Again, sorry.  Thank you for reading this journal.  I appreciate every comment made on here.  I've made some great friends, and I hope you visit my new journal.  I thank you all.  May God bless.

Who knows, maybe jazzy will resurface someday...........




Allen Cantrell


Tags: archive, open diary

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