Allen (allengator86) wrote,

Open Diary Archive (JazzyTrombone's Diar-er, Journal) - 2003

The word of the day is syzygy - 1/4/2003

Do not ask me why I decided to title this entry this, but I just ran across this word in the dictionary the other day and I thought it was cool. Its a real word, syzygy, which goes around with the words rhythm and asthma.

Well, being my first entry of the year, I've decided to just type up some things that make no sense whatsoever (dont ask why, im doing this just to keep my mind off of something else) so this doesnt include insightful quotations, just some weird stuff.

First, I must tell you that I am currently working on a list of good questions that I have to ask about Super Mario Brothers (Watch for it in the future) and I am also trying to figure out how many good things have occured the past week.

It felt good going back to school, i mean the past couple of days we pretty much watched videos all day except choir and band. we watched a documentery about F. Scott Fitzgerald in my English 3 honors class. My history we watched about Ulysses S. Grant, and the KKK (it was only for the impact it had during the reconstruction, do NOT accuse me of belonging to any aspects of it because I'm not) and we watched a movie about a nuclear plant exploding in russia in chemistry 1, which we should finish monday.

So far we are looking over some songs in band, and I don't like any of them except for one, and its for its meaning. we should be starting up ansembles in there and choir soon because contest is in 2 months! well, i guess i'll leave y'all now and i will go and watch the black hole.

bye and Auld Lang Syne


i think there was only one song i actually liked playing in band. "spartacus"... that's an interesting word too... i'll have to find out how to pronounce it and use it in a sentence every once in a while! hehe...
take care! [Ducky McCrae] 1/4/2003 5:15:32 PM
ahh a band geek goodness. (im a guard freak but still) yeah anyway [MeUnlocked] 2/3/2003 7:49:33 PM

Talk about hectic - 1/29/2003


Ever heard of Nutville by Horace Silver? Good song.....sounds chaotic. I feel so fortunate to turn to the world of music as an escape valve of my responsible life. I mean I have no idea where I would be or how I wouldve turned out if I hadnt picked up the trombone several years ago. The thing I love about it is that all of my troubles just kinda leave me while I play, sing, and sometimes listen to music. I am going to write a personal narrative (as mentioned on the opening page) about it and something that has kinda changed my aspect of musical appreciation in a way I have never experianced before.

In other news- i have had soooo many projects in American History recently it isnt funny. Then i also have my trignometry class, which i am doing for dual credit also. so last week ive averaged about three classes of homework per night, which is pretty much a first for me.

The past few days Ive been feeling some emptiness which is just kinda there.....I dont know how else to describe it. Its kinda bothering me that its there and quite frankly, im getting bugged. I dont know what to do about it. I know it has something to do with a recent incident i had with one of my friends, who ive been trying to ask out for quite a while, whos dating, i guess my ex-friend now. and now that i have no girl to like, im just empty. maybe stuff will change soon, i hope.

Im still working on those questions slowly but surely, and I predict that the personal narrative will be up sometime next month if time will allow it.

CRUNCH TIME- 17 days away from the worst day of the year, prepare yourselves.

Enjoying my homework-free environment



Reflective Essay, as promised - 2/22/2003

Here is that reflective essay i promised. the essay itself focuses on an aspect of criticism. The following essay you will read was written by me and is all factual. Here you go.

I think one of the greatest gifts of nature is the ability to produce music. Ever since I was a child, the memory that sticks out of my head, besides eating dog food, is sitting in front of the record player and singing familiar tunes. As I had grown older, I have been tied closer and closer to the world of music. When I was in Upper Elementary, I joined the junior choir, which became the focal point of my life. In sixth grade, I became a proud member of the Marshfield sixth grade band. I would have never guessed that I would play the trombone, mainly because I never noticed them at a concert before. When I went in to choose what type of instrument I would play in band, the only thing I could make a sound out of was the mouthpiece of a trombone, which was not my first choice of an instrument to play in the band. Do not get me wrong, I enjoy playing my instrument, but the trombone never seemed like the proper key to unlocking the world of music for me. A few years later, I had grown fonder of my instrument. When I first came to the High School band, I learned a real lesson. This event changed my outlook on the subject of music most likely for the rest of my life.
I was drafted into a type of “trombone fraternity,” which consisted of a small group of the trombone section that taught me to have fun with music, try your best, and learn everything that you can about it. We were considered the “elite” players of the section, but I was determined not to let it go to my head, and when I think about it, I think I did a decent job of performing this task. This made me determined to play and perform advanced techniques on my trombone. One thing that has never really happened to me was the feeling of being humiliated.
I was in Columbia to try out for the All-State Band and All-State Jazz Band. We stayed overnight in a hotel and then we woke up (after sleeping for 2 hours) and started for the high school, stopping by McDonalds along the way for breakfast. I decided to order nothing but a large cup of hot vanilla cappuccino, due to my late night insomnia. Whenever I am tired I don’t think properly, and whenever I don’t think properly I forget important things, such as how cappuccino makes my mouth feel like its been in the dryer for too long.
The effects of the scalding beverage reached its peak at the same moment I auditioned for the All-State Band (I auditioned for the All-State Jazz Band earlier). I waited by the room when it was getting closer to my audition time. I drank several dozen gulps of water before I went in. As I went in the door, I noticed the doorkeeper and a few other boys were gathering in front of the door. I expected eavesdropping was going to occur because it is a common habit for anyone, musician or not. My mouth was getting dryer and dryer as I handed my music to the room monitor. At that point I was not sure what was causing it. I was convinced that my ignorant choice of drinking cappuccino was doing this to me, but I’m sure nerves contributed to my predicament. The monitor approved of my music, and then the audition I practiced so hard on began.
I was told to play a two-octave F major scale. I knew this scale by heart, and I played it flawlessly. Then I was told to do a d minor scale. I went through the scale in my head, but despite my knowledge of the scale, I bombed it. Then I was asked to do a chromatic scale with the full range of my instrument. This was the easiest scale I knew, so I aimed for the really high B-flat that I could normally hit. As the tones were ascending, the quality of the notes worsened, and I failed to reach the required note because of my parched mouth. From this point on I knew this audition was doomed. As I progressed through the prepared lines, the tone quality was getting more and more revolting. Soon only two notes could be heard from my horn, which is five less than what a beginner could play. I noticed the judges were trying their best to not burst out laughing, even though their backs were completely turned away from me. I told myself that this could not get any worse…boy was I wrong.
A reception was being held for me when I took my first step out of my disastrous audition. The doorkeeper and his friends were out there laughing. I told myself they were just relaying a joke, but that was not it. They started to point at me and comment how my audition was the funniest thing they have ever heard. It did not take long for this humiliation to get to me. I saw a vacant spiral staircase and ran down it as fast as I could. I wondered around the gigantic school for what seemed to be hours. Soon I ran into the cubbyhole where I put my case. As I started to disassemble my shameful trombone, the rage that was churning me inside caused my hand to crush the wall I was sitting next to. The hand I used to run into the wall also held my mouthpiece, which was now partially bent on the end. The wall now had a new stain of blood on it, which came from my hand that was leaking blood drop by drop. I finally had my trombone put away. Right after I locked up my case, I kicked it with all of my might. The music I worked months on was now bloody confetti due to my hands. Now that I look back on it, I did not recognize that my fury won over the other emotions that were floating in my head. I was hurt, sad, furious, violent (well, as violent as I can get anyhow), shameful, and was by no means huggable. Everyone was shocked and did not know what to do as they witnessed my sudden breakdown. I stayed in my private, dark corridor, and did not leave it until we left due to my shame.

Continued on next entry


Reflective essay continued - 2/22/2003

The days during the aftermath of the incident were not as emotional, but I dreaded every single time I picked up my instrument. Sometimes I was so depressed that I could not produce the strength to play a single note. I turned off my car radio because it produced music, and the same excuse personally justified my reason to unplug and hide the radio in my room. Every single time I heard music, my body became tense and I instantly ignored it.
I had to play in the Pep Band at a basketball game around a week since I began my new behaviors. Between playing times I hid out in the hallway, wondering what to do with my life now. Soon Mr. Crowley, the band director, walked by and saw me meditating. He asked me what was going on, and I basically told him the entire situation. He relayed some advice to me and basically brought my musical spirit back to life. It felt good that someone finally asked me what was going on, because it was eating me up inside, and I hate to think of what would have happened if I did not let it out in the open.
Now my appreciation for the world of music is renewed, and is stronger than ever. I listen to it as often as I can, I try to learn about it as much as I can, and I have learned an important lesson, which will stay in my mind forever. The lesson is that either you can let criticism rule your life, or let your life overrule criticism.

Well, thats it. I hope you enjoyed that and possibly learned something from it, i know i did, and it will last me for the rest of my life.

peace out

Hey, I found your diary on random. I liked this little narative thing, mostly because I too went through the dramas of district/state band auditions. (I play tenor sax) I also live in missouri, near kansas city. I read through a few of your entries, sounds like a lot of what goes on here in my good ol' band. Out of curiostiy,Are you doing a solo/ensamble this year? [thE.baNd.whoRe] 2/25/2003 5:46:50 PM

On the topic of V-day - 2/22/2003

Well another V-day has come and gone. Now those of you who love the holiday, forget reading the rest of this entry. Well, for starters, its my worst day of the year and i choose to not participate in a number of peer related activities that day, because its a stupid holiday. I've always been single and ive never had any luck. well, anyway, this year was no exception. ive braced for that day even before christmas. it was on my mind everyday, mostly thinking of a plan of action. the day came and i walked into the school. there was a girl who came up to me specifically and told me "happy single-people-awareness-day" to me. now im not the kind of person who takes stuff to personally, so i fake-laughed it off (im good at that you know). another person comes up to me, tells me the same exact phrase. then another. i was wondering if they knew i loathed this day. so by the fifth girl reminding me what day it was, i was pretty ticked. why would people come up to me, especially ME, and tell me this? it made me mad to think about it. well, i walk into the instrument room and there i spotted a friend of mine who knew about my V-day blues. i figured she would know what to say to me. anyway, she was in there with her boyfriend and they were just standing there, then she told me high, and "happy single people awareness day." now i know she didnt mean to offend me or anything, it was just i was sick of this day and hearing nothing but that phrase all morning, so i blew a fuse and stormmed out, which is something i dont normally do, but i was in a middle of a breakdown. i mean all of my friends were acting stupid and none of them wanted to know how i was or how they were either. anyway, i hid out in the choir room music library untill a couple of minutes before first hour began. i was looking at music, which usually makes me feel good, and it did. needless to say, i wasnt feeling good that day. i felt bad and totally alone. no one wanted to ask me how i was, i couldnt even start a conversation with anyone, and i was all alone. im not mad at anyone, but i just wish people would open their eyes and see what i mean. i was depressed and obviously everyone threw in a shovel while i was in my pit of desolation. i just wish someone would understand where i come from. im over it now, but it doesnt change the way i view stuff. the fact remains, I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!!!!!!!

well, have a good day


Somethings missing..... - 2/27/2003

Hello everyone

First of all I wish to show that I respect and honor Mister Rogers and I will miss him a lot, which I am sure many people will tell you the same too. He has touched my life in many ways and I have learned many things from him, even at my current age. I know its not cool to like a "toddler-based" icon, but I have always enjoyed listening to him, even when I didnt want to admit it. We'll all miss you Mister Rogers.

I have been feeling like somethings been missing lately. I mean I feel pretty content and I've felt pretty good, but theres always this hole I feel and its just kinda brining other things down. Maybe its the feeling that sometimes people dont feel like talking to me. I mean I understand that people need some alone time, but it just feels like everyone has to do it at the same time. The last time I've had a good conversation with someone was when I talked to one of the most talented tenor sax players I have heard in a long time. We just talked about stuff and experiances and stuff. It was really nice and I felt whole for the first time in a long time. I mean sometimes I feel like I'm shunned from life. I'm just like any normal person and I have many of the same needs that other peopole have. Most of the time I'm all by myself, especially at night, and I am usually doing homework or watching some tv show. I always ask people if they want to do something, but there is always something coming up, I mean I really try. I mean sometimes I'm ok being by myself, but the lonliness is horrible. I mean I wish I had some medicine for the invisible disease I have so people could hang out with me. But I guess its just nature s way of telling me that the world can be so ignorant sometimes.

I guess one way that I could beat this is actually finding a girlfriend of somesort. I have had this horrible love streak all of my life and its just been nothing but bad luck. I know a girl I like as far as I can tell, but I can never have enough courage to talk to her. Maybe someone can dispense me some advice ^-^?
Well, I guess that will never happen, because no one feels like talking to me. I mean really talk. Now I'm back at square one......I'm just stuck in this perpetual circle of life. Maybe theres a way out? I don't know, no one has felt like helping me out. I know this sounds like a pity party, and I guess it kinda is, but I just wish something would happen. I need like a miracle or something, something. What have I done wrong?????? Well, I'm going to stop typing this up because I'm getting depressed. I have a jazz and combo contest at Drury on Saturday then I have to work on my trombone solo and a few groups for contest at SMSU later on in the month. Wish me luck.

Signing out


Cool girl - 3/16/2003

The oddest thing has arisen the past couple of days. I've been talking with this girl and it almost seems like we were twins seperated at birth. I mean shes intelligent, cute (im not cute mind you, handsome), and she likes to talk about deep stuff. Weve both have been in situations that are oddly parallel to each other. I mean shes great and shes single too! Well, she despises that and I do with myself too. Shes really growing on to me and maybe, just maybe....nah. I've been trying to help her out the best I can (with depression and whatnot, I am good to relating people with it) and shes been helping me too. Shes almost like a sister, and weve only really talked a lot for about 3 days. I really like her, and if anyone wants to know more about that, well, I'm not going to say it on here. shes a great friend, a best friend, and like i said, anything more is just a secret to myself right now, heh. Shes been reading my dia-er journal and i think its awesome.

Hey, catcher in the rye is a good book, read it now.

I've got a boys octet in choir, a trombone solo, a brass quintet, and a trombone trio to perform with on saturday, wish me luck everybody. Im wishing everybody else luck. Its fun, and I enjoy doing it. I just had drury jazz festival and our jazz band and combo got nothing but 2's all around. I was in both, but i learned many things, and im apllying them to my playing.

I have to play bendito marcello's sonata in a minor (i.e. no flats and sharps for concert pitched instruments.) so i better get crackin on it later......

I know you are reading this entry, I hoped you liked it


allan allan hes our man
if he cant do it no one can [blueskysforever] 3/25/2003 2:38:45 AM

Tri Dream - 3/30/2003

Hey everybody. This entry will be short n' sweet. I had some weird dreams last night. Three to be exact, and here they are.

Dream #1

I am walking through a meadow full of lush green grass, on a dirt path. The emerald hills sway in the delicate breeze. As I walk down the path, I notice a small orange flower on my path, clearly in my way. I usually just note the flowers existance and crush it, but I hesitate. Instead, I stare at the flower, stare. For hours I am standing there staring at the flower. "Crush it, it won't matter." my head tells me, but no, I can't do that. I walk around the flower. Later I come back with a shovel, dig it up delicately, and place it on a black hill. I plant it there. As I walk away I notice the tiny orange dot I placed there, where it will be safe and multiply for years to come....

Ok, Im not the kind of person to dig up one flower, why would I do that, what does it mean?

Dream #2

I walk out of the Junior High after a long jazz band rehersal. I hear kid laughter. So I put my trombone away and I head for the elementary playground, which is right next to the Junior High. I see hundreds of kids playing. Theres basketball, soccer, kickball, dodgeball, pool (ok, i made that one up ;)), tag, eveything. Out of the huge mob of girls and boys, I see a child. One child. He is standing there, head down, in solitude. Funny, he almost looks like me when I was at his age. I walk up to the boy, ask him if he wanted to play. He looks up to me with his tear-stained face, and shows a half smile. He tells me he is grateful I came to play with him because it seems like no one else would.

Ok, now I usually dont do that to kids, because im usually a stranger. Oh well

Dream #3

I am standing on a plateau overlooking a great metropolis, with millions of lights. There I am, in the darkness, all alone. Soon, I hear a rustling in the grass. Who could this be? It was me! I have a twin who lays down next to me on the cool grass. Then another clone of myself shows up. I am wearing what I usually do. The first guy who came in is wearing all black, the third guy, white. The dark version looks mad, sad, lonely, and doubtful. He never cracks a smile. All he says is "Lonliness is what I'm used to." The white version of me is a happy go lucky version of me. He has a never ending smile, has a jolly attitude, and loves what he does, whatever it is. He says, "It'll come....It'll come..." What he meant I didn't know. I've had visions of these two fighting an epic war based on my life before. The battle is still raging to this day, but that night, all was calm. I wasn't afraid of the dark one, I wasn't happy being with the light one. Then I see a baby bird. It was tiny and blue I think, I couldn't tell because it was dark. It was beside me, unable to fly up to the nest. The dark guy says, "Let it go." The light guy says "Let its mother get it." I pick up the bird and I place it in the nest with the greatest care I could give it. I pet it on the head, it chirps for joy. I lay back down.

Well, that one sure seemed weird. I wanted to finish it, but my sister woke me up with her coughing.

These dreams have a common theme, a common thread, a purpose that I can't comprehend the meaning to completely. Could this be the answer I've been searching for? Was it my heart doing it, or the peanut butter samdwich I had before I went to sleep. But still, its making me think about the heart.....I'm not any closer, but I didn't lose any ground either. Well, I guess that means I'm going to have bad luck because everytime I dream, I have bad luck....oh well.

Gosh, 2 am in the morning and I'm still up. I have to be at church in 7 hours! I should sleep.

May your dreams at night at least be same.

rock on as always,

Allen, it seems to me that the first two dreams are about your sensitive side. Showing the care and affection that you have inside, that you don't let out that often. The third is a little more complicated to figure out. It seems to me that it has something to do with the battle inside you that you talked about. Like to one is the good and the other is evil, and they come together to make you.8:30 [fairerin21] 4/4/2004 1:25:03 PM

STATE, MAN, STATE!!!!!!! - 4/4/2003

Hey ho everyone

Well, I am feeling pretty good. I found out the boys octet that I had no hope for and skipped a whole line of a song is going to state. For the second consecutive year I'm going, which I'm happy about. The best thing is the trombone solo which I'm also taking! Yes, after two years of threes and twos, I finally got a one on my solo!!!! I've been waiting for this day for a long time, and now I have achieved one of my goals for this year. So I'm spending a ton of time on it, as well as other things. I also have to prepare a jazz solo for the upcoming jazz concert this month. I'm considering playing a song called Dolphin Dance by Herbie Hancock.

Next week is going to be busy. Im only having classes two days next week due to band, choir, and the upcoming math competition. This is the time of year I have to kick into gear because of standardized testing. So I'm going to be pretty busy untill the end of school. I'll try my best to update this in the near future, but no promises.

I'm going to Kansas City tomarrow to go look at a jazz exhibit and other cool things. Well, what do you know, I'm beginning to see some positive things in my life right now. I can't believe it. My pessimism doesnt seem as big right now. I mean its still there, but its not poking me every two minutes. And there are some things that are bothering me right now like girl situations and junk, and it still bothers me, but its not weighing me down as much lately. Oh well, when summer comes itll be back to normal, I kinda hate to see it happen, but I can almost garuntee that itll happen. Haha, theres my pessimism there.

Well, I'm leavin ya'll for now, I've got people to talk to and new things to see and learn. If I dont update this untill then, wish me luck at state next month!

Keep on playin those goals

Congrats on the 1!! [thE.baNd.whoRe] 4/5/2003 10:01:02 AM

Sit back and relax? HA! - 4/16/2003

Well, as I predicted earlier, I was very busy the past couple of weeks. The band went to state contest and got a 2, brass choir a 2, and woodwind choir a 1. The choir also went and the honors chorus got a 1 minus, women's choir got a 1, and men's choir got a one. Its been crazy trying to get these events worked up. Well, now thats over and all I have left is the jazz concert, combined band concert, state music festival for solo and pressure, ha. School work has not been getting any better. With standardized testing coming up, the teachers have decided to focus on the BIG picture, you know, grammar and world history and stuff. not just videos and work out of the book. math class is really accellerating. Weve almost done a chapter in one week. Well, I'm currently working on a Herbie Hancock solo piece, which I have no wordly idea what its going to be. then my trombone solo....I gotta resurrect it from the dead. well, enough about school, time to apill the latest about my life I guess.

Well, the "cool girl" has decided to bluntly (i mean that in a nice way) ask this guy out. now while I'm ok with this, its the way shes asking him.....through a note......Ive been through that once.....didnt work out well. after i heard about that i just kinda spent most of the day reliving repressed memories...i mean hey, its about four years ago since it happened. but that note that i wrote screwed up my life forever. i mean i changed. i spent a lot of time in a depression think about what i could have done, how it could be different. i wouldnt accept my fate, i was still living in a fantasy. like i said, it screwed me up. but anyway, with that memory left in my head, i tried my best to make her talk with him face to face. I mean it really concerned me and i hated to see how this situation came across, it was almost an exact mirror of what happened to me, and i wanted to protect her, but she sent the note anyway. While im not completely thrilled with this, ill still support her to the best of my ability because, heck, were best friends and thats what they do. i'll still help her. i just hope everything works out for the best. id hate to see her hurt.

another thing has happened. the guy that i had a fight with over his girlfriend around january (me and his girlfriend are good friend again, but me and the guy hasnt spoken a word on here ever since it happened) well he was living in chicago when the incident happened and i made him really really mad. well his girlfriend told me he was coming back to live back here in town, which scared the living daylights out of me. then she told me that he wasnt coming to school here, which relieved me a LOT! now i just have to duck my head while i drive my car, heh.

Well, before I close this entry, I guess I'll put up a list of songs that have captured my attention for now. listen to them sometime.

Abram's Persuit - David Holsinger
On a hymnal by Phillip Bliss - David Holsinger
Gathering of the Ranks at Hebron - David Holsinger
On an American Spiritual - David Holsinger
Fate of the Gods - Steven Reineke
Next Year - Foo Fighters
Los Gatos - I have no idea
Directions - Weather Report
Birdland - Wearther Report
The Impossible - Joe Nichols

Well that wraps it up, see you later, whenever Im not busy.....who knows when thatll be.

busy busy busy, just like the ant


Time again - 5/23/2003

Well, state went ok being state and all. Thats about all i'll say about that. ive had such a hectic week. ive just taken the second hardest final and im brain washed. I still have my trig final and spanish final. fun fun fun. what else has gone on? well not much. i just wish that this week had gone smoother. I got mad tuesday because of some things i read in my english class. we were doing stories and i read some things that arent worth repeating on here. the worst ones i read were very sacreligious. After that ive been very easy to irritate and i still am, especially after we had this party thing earlier this week. there were obvious signs of disrespect in there and it drove me nuts and made me so mad. that still ticks me off today. i guess ill get over it sooner later, but it wont be that soon. i mean once in a while id like to hear things other than being called annoying, accused of being gay, and other signs of stuff that i consider disrespectful. after that, ive decided that it takes a truly genuine person to be genuine. so far i havent found anyone like that. its sad really, even im not genuine. but at least i dont go on and on about pathetic junk like that. sure, i can take it once in a while, but despite my rolling off nature on the outside, inside i am thinking of ways i can get rid of all of those people. sometimes, not often. the last time that happened before the party deal was way back in december, so its rare, but it happens. i know i shouldnt do that, but if i dont ill go completely nuts. i mean i still feel crummy inside and i know im due for another breakdown soon, so world, beware....ok, maybe just my room, before i destroy it and clean it again. sigh, thus is my life. well, gotta get ready for the end of school. see ya.



Jazzy returns - 7/13/2003

Hi all, do not worry. I am back and boy do I have stuff to tell. Well, first off I just had one of the greatest experiances in my life, I went to Washington DC, if i get any free time, I'll tell you all about it in the future. All I will tell you now is that it was nothing short of amazing and I had a ton of fun. Also the band erformend and we were featured on IRISH tv. Thats right, we were seen in Ireland. Kinda cool i thought.

After I got back from DC, I applied for a job at a local grocery store and I am working now. Im sure itll only last the summer due to school starting next month, but its fun. If theres a way around all that, Ill keep it.

Well, Im a senior in high school now. I dont know what to think. Its great, scary, saddening, and interesting all at the same time. Im sure this will be a big year.

Something else happened. Well, I started talking with this girl recently and we got close. Well, she admitted to me that shes had this "crush" on me for a while. Well, I didnt know what to think. This is my big chance to finally have a girlfriend. Well, I felt good about it untill things went a bit far. She came over to my house one night without me giving her the address. She found out from a relative of her ex-boyfriend.Then she calls me without me giving the number (that couldve been out of the phone book, so i wasnt too concerned). After all that I got confused. I mean she was ok, but was I ready for a relationship? After talking with her and learning new stuff, I decided that I woldnt go for it.....she just didnt exactly fit in the shoe very good if you know what I mean. Im going to tell her the next time she mentions it, but Im sure she already knows. well, I blew it yet I feel lonely.

Well, Im going to read Catcher In the Rye again...see yah.



Where is everybody? - 7/30/2003

Well, I've been bored out of my freakin skull lately. I mean yeah, when I'm not bored my life is fun, but I am soooooooooooooooooo bored. I wish I was talking to one of my friends right now. They all seem to either ignore me or they are just out of their houses or something. It royally sucks. Yeah, thats it, sucks. I even been on here to relieve me of the boredom, but nothings cheering me up. Nothing would work on me other than actually talking with one of my friends. Its a curse really. Knowing people, but not really know enough about them. You know what, I should just get some new friends. Yeah, some that will be there.......when I'm feeling bored........oh well. I mean I shouldn't be so selfish, right? Why does it always have to be about me me me? Why cant I think of anybody else. I mean I'm sure they have legitimate reasons that they are busy. If they dont then I'll get a little riled, but I wont do anything. Thats me in an utshell. I feel things, but I dont really let people know. If I do, then I just get shot down again. Its happened plenty a time, believe me. So basically I cant have an opoinion worth squat and people just will never realize what I feel. Its really depressing to think about it. It really is. So I'm going to stop rambling on about it. See you peeps later.



red on green hurts.
p.s. funny i found you on random...i've noted you before on my other diary.
7/30/2003 11:22:16 PM

Not really an update, but.... - 8/4/2003

This is nothing really, I'm just here saying that there might be a slow down on updates on this journal because I am going to work on a website. When I'm done I will post a link on here and you can visit it, hopefully. Dont know how long it will take, so untill then, visit some of my old entries, I'm sure I had a less boring life when i typed them then i do now. toodles peeps.



Quick Update #1 - 8/26/2003

Hey everyone. Todays been kind of a downer in my know, going through stuff thats a personal heck for yourself, hearing someone who is close to you just had her house burn down......yeah. Well, schools started and my classes are pretty far....well, im not one for attention and a pity telling you I'm alive and realitively ok.....just really insecure and hoping tomarrow will be better. Btw, the website will be up shortly, so keep checking back here (Im aiming for early to mid september launch).


Allen, what website?? Do you have it going now? [fairerin21] 4/2/2004 8:11:51 AM

Jazzytrombone gets flamed - NOW COMPLETE - 10/19/2003

Hey all you humans and those bugs that crawl on the screen at night. 

Whats goin on you ask?  Well, I'll start about two months ago.  Somethin happened.  Obviously.  Well, here goes.  I was at the city park and I had a friend of mine come visit with me, mostly because i havent seen her all summer.  We both met at the park and we walked around a little bit and we stopped at a bridge.  We talked and she told me she was going to work.  So we sat there in silence.  Then I smoothly (as smoothly as i could) asked her to be my girlfriend.  Some reason I was about to cry.  Now me being a guy, and my inability to use tears as an emotional outlet, I did not cry, but the moment was so beautiful.  Boy, I was shaking so much....I was nervous.  It was like life was staring me in the eye or something.....maybe its those pills, haha.  She said yes.  I sat there in more silence.  I felt alone, yet not alone.  I asked her if she was sure.  She giggled as replied, "yes."  I was so happy.  After that we locked hands.  She hushed me.  She told me it was ok.  My hands were shaking, kinda like a car going across a bumpy road.  She calmed them down a bit.  I'm not sure if I was excited or still petrified of the subject.  Maybe it was both.  She decided to leave for McDs and we held hands as I escorted her to her car, still holding hands.  As she was getting ready to get in her car, we embrassed in a hug.  I wanted to hold on to her forever, but I had to let go.  She drove off and I walked to my car.  I had to park it in another section of the park.  I was kinda skipping and singing out loud.  Some teenage guys were doing something in the field below my car.  I stopped at my car and yelled "YES!!"  They asked if I was either drunk or crazy.  I yelled I was crazy, to myself I said in love.  That was the highest point of the whole summer.  I was sooooo happy and for a few minutes I owned the world.  So I drove down some roads listening to some of my favorite tunes.  Oh man.....I was crazy.  We talked every day after that.  We talked about what we wanted in our relationship, more stuff about ourselves.  I felt close.  We only talked on the internet and phone.  We had no time at school.  The day after we agreed to go on our first official date as boyfriend and girlfriend, we split up.  We decided it was mutual, but I feel like it was my doing.  I felt like we were getting nowhere fast and I paniked.  When it came down to it, I was afraid that I didnt love her the way I should love somebody I'm in love with.(Lots of love, eh?) I was afraid the longer it went on, the worse it would be to break up.  A person shouldnt base a relationship just because they are desperate or just base it on emotions only.  There has to be feeling.  Togetherness.  Love.  In the end, I know it was the right decision, despite what other people think.  I still talk with that girl, and she is still in love with me I'm afraid.  I'm getting a scared feeling that something worse is going to happen soon.  It doesnt mean I dont want to talk with her, she just needs to move on.  I don't want to hurt her.  I dont want to hurt myself.  I dont want her to hurt.....shes too innocent.  Way too innocent.  And I think about the bridge every now and then.  What happened.  How I she she feels now.....and the bridge......still beautiful.  I was let out of work early one night.  I went to the same exact spot where we first became a couple.  I sat there.  I reflected.  In silence.  I shed a tear, and it made ripples in the creek/stream/puddle below.  That moment was so beautiful.  She was, I know that.  That mmoent will always be in my memory....always....she was my first girlfriend.  The first girl I held hands with.  The first one I did not want to let go for feelings.  In my heart, she will always be special.  That moment proves that love is possible in my life, and that maybe it wasnt what I expected.  All I know is one thing, I didnt dream it, I lived it.

now I am going to reflect.....


awww cute [Fly_away_zephyr] 10/19/2003 3:58:58 PM

Like I kneeded this - 10/28/2003

This is your jazzy report

Well, what has been going on in the world of me?  I have a ton o stuff.  I had all of the work finally done on my senior pictures.  I also has the whole class panoramic picture taken, and Ive ordered for my cap and gown.  seems too early....all too early.  What else.  Hmm...I gave one of the best marching solos in my high school career.  Yeah, "When a Man Loves a Woman."  (I was the man, the guy trumpet was the woman *rimshot*) The girls liked it anyways, heh heh.  Homecoming was bad though.  We sit on some metal stands and it was muddy, and the entire thing toppled over.  Well my knee got caught and I sprained it pretty bad.  Heck, I still have bruises.  So I had to miss the marching show, and I had to wear a splint.  I aslo took some codiene.  Good stuff....never worked as a pain killer, but it was good.  My knee still hurts if I overdo it, but I figure it will for a couple more weeks.  At least I can walk now.  Well, thanks to that, I now have an abnormal fear of sitting in bleachers and stands.  Oh well....could be worse.  My trombone couldve been hurt.  Whew, thank goodness.  Sure, everyone thought it was a hoot.....well, untill they heard i got injured...then it was just hilarious.  Ok, maybe it was more of an accident...i was just making it sound like i was pathetic......heh.  go self esteem!  Well, now I have a walking cane I can trip people with.  Yay!  Now I'm wearing a costume for the marching band halloween show.  Yeah.  Im going to be a monk and death at the same time.  the walking talking oxy moron.  Hey, I also became a statistic today.  I played dead in honor of red ribbon week at school.  I couldnt participate in classes the last half of the day!  I guess I should work on standard deviation problems for math.




Ah, Mr. Jazzy, you're late - 12/30/2003

Long time no type!  Schools been killing me as well as work and the holidays.  Thats the best excuse I have for not updating the past couple months.  Sorry people!


Tags: archive, open diary

  • Allen's Twetter

    One last Twet for the day. I took off the last layer of pants and underwear and put my jogging shorts on for sleepy time. Night everyone!

  • Allen's Twetter

    I love monkeys!

  • Allen's Twetter

    @BobMarley Your songs sound like a wailing hippie that is being killed by a grumbling acid tripper.

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