Allen (allengator86) wrote,

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Worries About My Sanity

Most people that know me know that I do not fit into a lot of the modern normality. I mean I have my quirks, being a fanboy of certain things, playing games, overcompensating my time on the internet, but I don't consider myself insane. I mean sure, I kid, naturally, but sometimes I worry. I do everything I can, and I honestly think I've gotten better about being stressed or worried, so its not that I am obsessive about this kind of thing, but it pops up from time to time.

What started it this time was an incident from earlier in the week, which I do not want to elaborate on, because its an extremely touchy subject, but let's just say that all you need to know is that my father said something and reacted in a way that isn't conventional. Overreact, upset, I'm not sure what the proper terminology is. Honestly, I'm worried about him, and what would happen if my mother would be the first to go. He seems to be changing into something I cannot recognize. Again, I do not blog to spread gossip, ill feelings, or personal family/friend matters.

Here's the thing. My father sad that he thinks his father, my grandfather, started to get further out there in his old age, and I think the same. That worries me. Now, not that I am choosing favorites or anything, but with personality traits between my parents, I am much more like my mother than my father, in many many ways. It is almost to the point where I see little of my dad in myself, except for the possibility of working/fixing things. I would say I am 90% my mother and 10% my dad.

One thing I absolutely hate to admit is that when I become a father, I want to better myself than my father. I know that doesn't sound right, and honestly, I hate saying it. I mean for many people, their goal is to become less like their parents, or better, and a lot of times they fail. It depresses me. Honestly, I don't feel like I am that close with my dad. I love him, and I would never ask for another, don't get me wrong. However, it doesn't seem like our relationship emulates others you see out and about. Admittedly, I am becoming less comfortable around him. Again, I really REALLY hate saying all of this, but, for the mean time, that is how I feel.

Anyways, enough of my daddy issues. Despite all of this, I know I must have inherited SOMETHING from him. He has always praised me for being smarter and just better than he is, and I deny it vehemently. He is intelligent in many aspects, and I respect that fully. I'm just scared, that maybe 30 or 40 years down the road, if I get that far, that I'll be coming home, talking to myself, shaking, twiddling my hands, and shut myself from almost everything in the world. Then gradually I start forgetting the important things, the things I learned from long ago. Then I just start forgetting things that happened, claiming they never did, despite photo/audio evidence. I don't want that.

That being said, I know I won't be who I am now. I know personality-wise, that I will change, Someday I will have a son or daughter, and try to be a more mature father, a more loving and yes, more protective person. It happens, and it will happen all through my life. I could end up being that old crotchety man that complains there is too many lights on at night, or be the guy who has to carry a card telling people what my address is, as I wonder around a mile away from my home, for no reason. I don't want to. I want to be a nice father, grandfather, elderly person to the world. One with a good head on his shoulders and one who can look at his wife and still think she is as beautiful as the day I first met her.

There are many mental activities I do to keep my mind sharp. No, not just those "Brain boosting" video games, but I do puzzles, math, read, and all sorts of stuff to try and keep my mind sharp. The other day I came up with two mathematical theories, which actually amount to absolutely nothing, but they make sense to me. Little nuances like that I do to keep myself in top mental order. I am trying everything I can to keep myself educated and keeping what wits I have.

It has hurt the past few days, contemplating on such things, not really being able to talk to anyone. I blog for this purpose, to maybe fling some flingage at the internet consortium, and seeing what sticks, maybe get some feedback or dialoging started. Its hard talking about sanity to people. I mean, I just can't walk up to someone and ask, "Do you think I'm sane?" You just don't do that. Maybe I am worried about nothing, but the truth is that I am. You can't help but worry that something might happen some day. It nearly brings me to tears. Maybe that is a sign of insanity? I wish I knew. Anyways, that's enough about me. Sorry to take up your time.

The Allengator
Tags: meaningful, nomination

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