Thanksgiving - Yup, It Sure Is A Holiday
By The Allengator
Every year, we, as Americans, decide to go around a table, watch football, and eat a turkey. Nothing is more patriotic than that. One question might be raised, which is "How the heck did we get to this point? What is the meaning of Thanksgiving?" Well, this essay aims to answer all of your questions.
A long time ago, in a country far far away, there was a group of people called the pilgrims that wanted to get away from England. Not much is known about these enigmatic peopel except that they wore really lame clothing. The built a canister called "The Mayflower" which was a prototype of the modern day submarine. It was in a cylindar with plugs on the top and bottom to help with equilibrium problems. It is now in display at the Smithsonian.
Anyways, the Pilgrims came to the "Knew Land", because the people already here, the Canadians, had already claimed it, but they were totally cool about letting our fore-forefathers look at the lower half of their land. There were also a group known as the "Indians" who said they were here first, but we all know it was the Canadians, because Canadians are totally awesome!
For some odd reason, Indians wanted to insert themselves in history, so they waited while the Pilgrims submarine landed on the east coast. When they did, the Indians greeted them and showed them the layout of the land. There was peace, and to commemerate this peace, they had a major feast, which included deer, fish, and some other weird ethnic foods. Then a turkey showed up, and Bob the Pilgrim said, "This is stupid" shot the turkey, and then they had deer and fish, because there was no fire to cook the turkey with.
After generations of the "telephone game", this story has become more and more deviant from the actual meaning of Thanksgiving, which is the Canadians being totally awesome with letting up settle here, and the fact that the Indians were cool with us being neighbors, even though they are not around much anymore. What football has to do with this is totally beyond me.
Another author's note: No offense to anyone. I think we were stupid for coming here and claiming a land that was already claimed, but that is all the soapbox I feel like standing on. Happy T-day everyone!