I have blogged many times about friendship and friends and such, but this isn't like that. It isn't like I don't have any friends. I know I have a ton of them, and I love them all...in a brotherly way. That isn't the issue, per se. The issue seems to be in the realm of connections.
Many moons ago, nay, years, nay, nearly decades, I had stumbled upon this thing known as friendship. I loved it, but there was always this one. This one was more than just a plain friendship. It was special. I am totally not talking the romantic kind. Its the kind of buddy who goes through thick and thin, would travel in a blizzard just to see you, and would always come over as soon as the latest multiplayer game came out and would try to hand your butt to you. The kind that comes over on holidays, and is treated like one of the family. I'm talking a true best friend.
I feel like I have no one.
One time in my life, when I was younger, I did have a best friend. He was there all the time, and we hung out in every way we could. Sure, we had our differences, but we always ended up sticking next to each other. It was nice, having him over the whole night, staying up and reading comics, watching movies, and playing games. Sure, it did happen less frequently when we grew older, but we still had our kinship.
After graduation, he was at the time a grade below me, so he was still in high school, and I went to college. We kind of went our own ways, but still kept in touch. He decided to persue a career in the military, and I get emails from him, but they are just fwds. Nothing too special.
What pains me is that I think he's in town. I checked my email. I checked my phone. He has every single phone number that I have. He hang out with other people, having a ball with them. Suddenly, I felt hurt. This isn't the first time I felt snuffed by him. I wish things were different. He has a new crown, a new clicke. It doesn't include me, I guess. I'm more ok with this than it looks. I mean we both are different now, and people do go in and out of our lives. I've sadly accepted this.
That being said, I just have no one out there. I don't feel like I have those connections with anyone anymore. I mean yeah, there are some I share more info with than others, but...it just makes me feel secluded, or rather, just alone. If I had to choose my number one fear, it has to be being alone.
I am not sure what else to say. I have some good friends, but part of the problem is that they live in Springfield, and I just don't have the money/time to visit when I feel like it. I mean if I moved to Springfield, it'd be different, but things just aren't clicking for me to do that. I'm stuck in freakin' Marshfield, at a job where I am just not respected or cared about. Its times like that where I wish someone would knock on my door, hold a wavebird controller in his hand and say, "I know I'm gonna kick you butt on Super Smash Bros. Brawl", and I wouldn't care about anything else except that.
We would hang out all the time, set each other up with dates, talk about women, and still have those deep conversations where we can be serious and still respect each other. It used to be like that, but no one really seems to care anymore. I mean yeah, I have freedom of talking about that kind of stuff with some people now, but it just isn't the same. I may have fun with one person, but we never take anything seriously. There may be someone I share secrets with, but they wouldn't know how to hold a controller or log onto a computer. I may share deep secrets with someone, but somehow just hanging loose just doesn't feel right. In short, it sucks the big one.
One day we may end up being neighbors, and be coming home from our careers, and meet at the fence, talk about our wives and children, have dinner in our own homes, but then we both head out and watch a movie, play pool, go bowling, play at a tournament, just to get away from everybody and everything. We would share stories of our lives, look at each other, and would respect the other person, then laugh in each other's face.
Do you understand what I am talking about now? I want that. I want to just have someone who treasures those moments just as much as I do. Maybe someone who gets me out of my comfort zone. I don't know. Again, I am not talking about that special woman in my life (that's a whole other blog in and of itself), but that friend who will stick next to me, stand up for me, and be able to watch tv shows and make fun of the actors on there.
Yeah, right. Like that will ever happen again....