A Five Paragraph Essay
By The Allengator
The Fourth of July is a magical time in which we discover the true greatness of our country, America, but also intrigue our inner pryo because the neighborhood police could care less if you shoot off fireworks within the city limits past 9:00 pm....or even 11:00 pm....ah heck, I'll even say 1:00 am, when I am trying to sleep. Truly, this is a money-making business that is commonly overlooked at all other times of the year, and I must now bring to the light.
Fireworks, or vuurwerk, as they are called in Switzerland, are very loud, colorful, hot, pretty, loud, sparkly, smoky, and loud concoctions from China, which were invented to scare off enemy hoards, like Attila the Hun's gang of bandits. America recognizes these around the summertime, because we used fireworks to scare the panties off of the British. Despite what The History Channel says, most, but not all, battles during the American Revolution were fought using these loud boom thingies, instead of bullets. Americans believed in non-violence back then, much like the hippies did in the 60's. That is also why we dumped tea in the harbor, because not only was it non-violent, but it seemed like a good idea at the time, which is an excuse most guys under the age of 30 use when drunkenly explaining to the authorities why their friend's car ended up in the lobby of the courthouse.
Subruban Americans are most acknowledged with sitcoms in the 90's, and so take part in wholesome American activities throughout the year. In Halloween, they threaten people, in July, "Back 2 Skool" sales happen, in November, we glut ourselves on turkey and watch Snoopy ram into Garfield, during Christmas, we always exchange gifts and nothign else, and we struggle to find a date for Valentine's day, so of course we take advantage pf the only opportunity we have to engauge our inner pyro, and either spend $50 on gas and $80 on fireworks, or $50 on gas, $70 on beer, and $5 on lighters to ignite near peoples cracks, and give the lame excuse the people gave who threw tea into the harbor. Most people actually combine both of these, and that is how you get people interested in dumping over $100 for a few minutes and a bad next morning, and give them some really expensive, short thrills (this does not take into account the one to two people who are hospitalized due to "accidents").
Now what about the rest of us who are too smart to fall in this trap of money suckedness? We use our ample brain cell to either invite ourselves to watch this debacle, FOR FREE, and the firecracklers might even let us set off a few, FOR FREE. This is another proud American tradition that we call, taking advantage of the situation, so it's fine to do this on the most American holiday of all. The other group that was neglected to mentioning is the group who could care less about any of this, and get sick because of all the burning sulfur in the air, and does not get any sleep because of the neighboric idiots who shoot them off at the wee hours of the morning. We call this group the innocent victims of the overzealous populous.
Finally, we have learned about the history, modernization, and social disorder of the firworks industry. It has been used to not only win patriotic wars, but also used to annoy the pants off of many Americans in the suburban areas. While this could be a year-long thing, most people forget about it within a week, except for those who can not let a bad thing die. We call those people, Americans. Good night.