Allen (allengator86) wrote,

The Trust Issues Issue

Sorry about the lack of updates as of late. I have both nothing to blog about, and nothing interesting to say.

Lord knows I want to continue the podcast, but my partner in crime hasn't talked to me in forever. I know he has had opportunity, but he keeps dodging the subject. I don't know what to do, but it looks like I may have to just do the podcast solo, again. *Sigh* I hate being alone in this!

In less depressing news.........................


Ok, like isn't that bad, but it could be loads better. Meh. Nothing a little delusional fantasy can't take care of. Excuse me a tick while I have one.....

.....Ah, much better. If only. If only.

I think delving into my problems more, because people seem to respond to those notes more (to the LJ peeps, had several responses to the "Friend" entry on Facebook). I feel like I am being played like a sucker, universal. I am getting to the point where I am having some major trust issues.

Faith in people is what keeps the world spinning. Civilasations have been created on one man's trust on another. Lose that trust, then you end up like Romulus and Remus. They lost trust in each other, and had a major battle, mono e mono. They fought for control of some land. It is easy to see the outcome of this struggle, as no one has ever heard of the Remusian empire.

Over my lifespan, I have realized one thing. There is only one person on this created Earth that I can count on, and that person is typing up this blog entry right now. Everyone usually ends up letting you down, or becomes untrustworthy, which is why I have low expectations of most everyone to begin with. If you keep them low, they will always be exceeded. My mother told me that is how my grandparents were. I hate that I have obtained their philosophy, but it is what has kept me going this whole time.

I have always hated classes that give you group assignments, because in every group, there is that "one person". The person who says they will pitch in, and never come through. I have a class coming up where the whole semester the entire class has to make a workable solution. One person was given a task, and didn't show up here and there, then dropped the class without warning. Like that. The teacher told us that the class grade on the whole will suffer because of that one person.

Work is like a breeding ground of untrustworthy people. I mean yeah, people give me a hand here and there, but looking at the big picture, it is all for naught. Management continually lies or is deceptive, coworkers will stab you in the back, and people you expect to help you, that management recruits, leaves you in the dust, just because. Understandable if they have to do their job. I'm cool with that. However, don't just shrug at me and say "toodles" when I am clearly not finished with a job. I have had that happen many times. Maybe not lately (actually, different people have been helping me, and have been nothing but awexome, but overalll my time there), but many times nontheless.

There is a person I go to church with that has proven to not be completely counted on in many cases. I absolutely hate, loathe, and cringe at the thought of one of the people I refer to as "brother" being like that. Somehow, though, I have gotten that impression, which should have never been created to begin with.

The sad thing is, no matter how much I don't trust people on the whole, how ofteb people are untrustworthy, I fall for it again. I constantly come out of my rut, and go out on a limb, just to be let down. More times than not. That's pathetic. I would love to say only seldom do I experience that, but no. No. Not so. The truth is this. People will let you down. Expect it. Maybe not everyone, but most will.

"I will get back with you in a little bit". Lie. "I will keep in touch with you." Lie. "I will come and help you out." Lie. "Let's go out in a week and go see the new movie." Lie. "I will help you build your structure when the time comes." Lie. "I will help out with your podcast." Lie. "I will call you after I get off of work." Lie. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You're breaking my heart.

Sorry, got that stinkin' Styx song in my head now.

I want to say that I am the most trustworthy person out there. I am not. I do, though, see myself at the place where we were supposed to meet, waiting for you to show up, sitting on my bed next to my phone, just waiting for you saying ANYTHING to me more often than I should. I'm tired of it. Tired. I think this accounts for my distance to people lately.

No, I'm not going to tell you my life's story. If I did, then there would be no reason for me to talk to you. There would be nothing new to learn about me. If I were to tell you everything, including those dark secrets, then honestly, there would be nothing left for me to tell you. I wouldn't be earnestly looking forward to conversing with you. Yeah, I'll tell you bits and pieces, but not the whole thing. It keeps you guessing. There are many aspects to my character, and it takes the right moment for me to spill my guts on the subject.

Wait a sec, is that how they do the flashback/flashforwards on 'Lost'?

I hate spilling my guts out to everyone on the subject, or anything for that matter. This entry was originally was just going to be about the hiatus of the podcast, but got blown out of proportion, again. Sorry. There had to be a reason I felt like talking all about it to the open web. There has to be.

I never know what provokes me to blog about this or blog about that. It just happens. But anyways, I hope this explains something about me. Maybe why I don't say much, or why I am continually like "I can't garuntee anything/No promises", instead of, "Totally". Poor excuses. Poor outlook. I just say this to tell you this.

Don't become me.

The Allengator
Tags: nomination 2008

  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded