Now before you get all "I'm your friend, stupid", hear me out. Its not that, but I place the blame squarely on social networking sites like facebook and myspace. I think the term "friend" has been soiled, possibly permanently.
I was looking at some of the sites today, and besides my usual irks, I looked more closely to the "friends" area on their pages. Nearly everyone I have on there have upwards to 100 "friends". I wonder, are they truly all friends, or are some like "I'm afraid to turn down your friend request because, really, we aren't that close anymore...". No. That would come off as rude or impolite, so some people are forced to have 100 "friends" or so. Maybe some truly are "friends", but seriously, out of the 100 or so "friends" you have on there, how many do you talk to regularly? How many do you share things with? How many do you truly remember?
I have 17 friends on facebook as of this typing. I love every single one of them too. I will not point the finger, as I am guilty of not keeping up with all of them as well as I should. I feel bad sometimes too. Then again, how many people reply to me? How many asked to be my "friend"? How many people have me on their 100+ friends list, and how long did it take to realize it was me? What about the "people you may know" section. How many times did my profile come up, and you just passed it by?
This is why I hate social networking sites. It ultimately makes me feel insecure about myself.
Am I an annoyance? Is that why you haven't added me? Do you even remember me? Do you still treasure me? I have no freaking clue anymore. I want to not care, I really do, but sometimes I can't help it. It makes me feel like....well, can't say that word in polite company.
Then there's instant messaging. I am really starting to detest it too. It feels like I am constantly starting every conversation I have. Why am I always the instigator? Do you just not want to talk to me? Sometimes I understand when you aren't truly there, but after several weeks of "not being there", a person becomes suspicious. There are about two people on my lists that actually start conversations every once in a while. I try to start them too every once in a while. Do you want to know the reason why I don't talk with you as much anymore? Because simply, not doing stuff like that makes me feel not very special. If you are going to be online and don't want to talk, there is a "be invisible to everyone" choice. I use it sometimes, just so I don't give anyone the wrong impression. That is why it was created, people.
I'm also getting rid of the celly because no one calls me either. How many times have I been called just to shoot the breeze? Not for a couple of years. I will probably get a tracfone or something, because it is far cheaper since no one calls anyhow, and I can have it for emergencies. It is sad that that is my reasoning, but that is how it is anyways.
What else do I have. Work? Where people are forced to come together and work? Where gossip spreads like wildfire? I detest gossip with passion. I sometimes almost tell people to shut up, because that is all they do, belittle others. I ask how are you genuinely. A half the time I will get a response, and a quarter of those times are the responses meaningful, and not the, "good, how are you?" thingie. I try not to do that, but sometimes, I just think people don't care, even in passing.
How about my blogging? What about responding to notes I leave on facebook? Erin is the only person who has lately, and major kudos to her. Even if there wasn't a comment left, why not ask me why I wrote what I wrote, or say something about it. I sometimes leave a more "respond to me" comment at the end of my blogs. I do that so you can input your voice too.
Email is another low point. I get nothing but spam and notices that my product has shipped messages in my inbox anymore. Then again, nothign is better than "FW: FW: FW: A MESAGE ABOUT FORWARDS!!!!!" and not have anything but SOMEONE ELSE'S WORDS THAN YOUR OWN! Ugh.
In short, communication seems to fail with me. Is it me? Do I care too much? Is there something about me that puts people off? What is wrong with me? I would love to think people value me, but times like this, I have major doubts. I am not even sure if I have any good friends anymore. No one just seems to care. I won't change to make people happy, but maybe we can find common ground somewhere. Please! I am grasping at the straws here. No, that isn't a threat or anything like that, but I am trying hard to help. Maybe its just my self esteem. I think I was told I have self esteen issues sometimes. I think. Maybe it was just me convincing myself that. I honestly don't know, or care. I just want some love.
It just hurts to see people who I used to be close with, drift away, sees me, and just doesn't do anything, even if I do something. It hurts bad.
I just want to quit these sites and everything about everything. I can't. For some odd reason, I feel like I need to prevail. Maybe everyone's just busy? I doubt it. Too busy to add me as a "friend"? Too busy to just say "hey, hows it going?" Too busy to just.........forget it.
I may see some increase in stuff or whatever, but it'll just be temporary. It'll be like, "Hey man. Are you ok?". No. I am not. You may do it once or twice, but I'll just fade into obscurity again. Yes, it is a poor view of people, but I have not had a lot of proof of things happening otherwise. It always happens like that. You can trust people as far as you can throw them. It pains me to even remotely belive that, and it is just remote, but something has to be going on if I feel it in the first place. I just get that vibe.
Go ahead and say I'm wrong. I am just going through a rough patch, that's all. I'll be fine in the end, and I'll look back on this and think about what a moron I am being. But that will be then, and this is now.
Well, time to fade in the background again.
P.S. Oh, and to not totally end on a bleak note, the season finale of Lost is on tonight, and I, for one, want to see who dies...well...besides the obvious people.