Allen (allengator86) wrote,

The Six Degrees of Allengator's Singleness

I am just tired.

*Depressedness ahead*

I'm just going to complain about being single again, sorry. It just sucks right now. It really does. I have just felt an overwhelming sense of emptyness lately. There are just too many aspects to go over.

One is that I do not want to give up my religion. If I date someone, I really want them to have the same belief system that I have. That is one of the most major hurdles. This is something I will not compromise on or "work with you" with. Either you believe in what I do or you don't. If you don't, sorry. I was in that situation once and it got too complicated and hurtful, really just kept me scared of asking any girls out recently.

Second is time. I want someone now. I'm getting too impatient, but unfortunately, I have no time. All of my evenings are spent at college, work, or church. I rarely have a night off, and when I do, then I have lack of moneys :(. It isn't often enough to consitute a relationship. If afternoon dates are good, then awesome. If not....I don't know if it will work out or not.

Third is just me getting over my irrational fear of losing things. I get scared easily about losing anyone close to me. Nowdays, it is just really hard for me to get close with anyone because A) They will let you down. B) They don't care on the same level. C) They forget about you. I have had all of those happen to me too much lately. I'm not saying I am callice or cynical. If the right person/people come around, then I open up, but I rarely find anyone nowdays.

Fourth is just my appearance. So I'm big. So what. I'm big now. I'll probably always be big. I'm happy and fine with that. I try to eat healthy, but WYSIWYG, for geeks.

Which brings me to number five. Geeks, nerds, senses of humor are too hard to find nowdays.

Six. I haven't felt like someone treasures me as more than someone to talk to. Yay, another round of "Psychiatrist Allengator". Whoop dee freakin' doo. I'm not saying I don't want to help. It's too contrary. I want to help, but quite frankly, it seems as that is all I get. Sometimes I want more, like any other person. Go out and have fun. Go to a concert, play, restaurant, anything. Yeah my schedule is packed, but for the right person/people, I can clear it.

Why on this rant. People. That's why. Too many people "hooking up", PDAs, togetherness. I used to have that. I want it again. For a while I was fine with the whole me being single thing, but now I am just sick of it. Maybe I have been in denial? I just don't know or really care right now. Maybe.......I should just accept the fact that there will never be a "better half" for me. Some people never marry, and While God doesn't want it, it just may be the path I am destined for. I know one day he might provide me with a path of happiness with someone, but like we say at church, when you pray and meditate, God's three answers are, "Yes." "No." or "Wait a while."

Finding my spirituality is important to me. I am a much stronger person than I was even a year ago. This past year I have been more dedicated to my religion than anything. I preach. I lead singing. I have Bible studies. I refrain from anything indecent. I am not who I was. I am who I am now. Phillippians 3:13.

Who am I looking for? What kind of perosnality. Someone who can appreciate the finer things in computers and electronics. Geeky stuffs. Someone who doesn't think things too hard. Someone who appreciates life as a gift. Someone who can repsect my celibacy. Likes to read. Have intelligent conversations. Have stupid conversations. Tell jokes. Have fun. Dance and laugh in the pouring rain for absolutely no reason. Someone who has priorities. Who can stand on her own two feet. Someone who doesn't scare me. Someone who can appreciate life. Someone who respects spontinaiity, like, "Hey, do you want to go out and just cruise around, listen to our favorite tunes, and laugh for no reason?". I long for her.

I want her.

I wish she existed.

She may not exist. Or ever exist.

Maybe I ask for too much.

I wish I wouldn't worry about such things now. I'm only 21. I still have the best years of my life ahead of me. I have plenty of time to find my place in the world. Maybe I am not ready to support a life of wedded bliss for a few years. I want it. But maybe I am not ready yet. "You will find what you are looking for when you aren't looking for it."

I date to find an eventual mate or spouse. That is why I date.

I wish some girl would read this and find me and make everything go away, but at the current rate of roughly 5 readers per day, it won't happen. I won't hold my breath. I expect nothing but the normal. People just ignoring it. *Sigh*

Other than this, I am just darn peach. Maybe I will smile again some other time.


*sarcastic, cynical chortle*

The Allengator
Tags: meaningful

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