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'Gator? I hardly knew her!

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Final Posting for the Week Long Thing
Lost Cast
allengator86
Hi

I hope you people enjoyed my latest "blogathon" thingie. I tried to do more of a "best of" collection, by doing those things that I do every once in a while, whether it be Lyrics, The Saga of Petey the Monkey, or an audio blog. Its been fun. Now I have decided to bless (for lack or a worse term XD) you with one final entry. True, I may not blog as much as I used to, but I will strive to do more.

Anyways, quick notes. I start the fall semester on Monday. So I am excited about that. It'll be good to see the guys again! Now its 4 days a week, but hey, I can handle it. I am also going to be gone all day tomorrow for reasons explained later. I am also working on that "project", but its coming along slower than originally thought, partially because of being so busy, but also because I lost the original storyline and plot development papers, and writing those over again is a pain in the carcas, especially when I try to remember what was written. Sigh. Thus is the life of an author, I guess.

I know I do not get very personal or emotional on here, especially compared to the old drabble I used to write on open diary...er journal, because, well, as aggrivating as work is, as annoying as school is, as uninteresting as my life is, I have been feeling pretty good about where I am in life, like I'm at peace. Why do you ask? Because of one person, and everyone knows who I am talking about by now. Erin. My beautiful girlfriend of 2.5 years. My soulmate. My...one. The person I was striving to find in my more emo days of yore, the one that I have envisioned, the one I complained about not having on my open diary...er journal. She is who I long to hear from from day to day. I suspect that she is the reason behind me being so, um, different, from my older days, as many of you that personally have known me know. I guess now that I have her, and I have the desire to marry her, that maybe, my life is almost laying out as, nay, better than I envisioned as long as she's in my life. She has made me feel so special, as she is special too.

I guess the next thing to realize is that after tomorrow, the day she leaves Marshfield, that things will be significantly different than what I am used to. I know I have neglected to write my feelings on her moving on here much, but it is truly something I want to keep to myself. Not a day goes by in which I question something about this move. Everyday at work, usually when I leave, I have about a 5 minute trip from my car to the timeclock and I think about how things will play out, and honestly, I shouldn't, because I have had a terrible history of being wrong. What I think about is my own business, and I'll leave it to the rest of you to imagine what it is. I have been bracing myself ever since she announced that she was leaving, for the moment. Everyday I check myself to see if there is anything that is being missed. Tomorrow is a very nig day for those of us who are close to Erin, yet, it is another day on the calendar. I won't say that I won't shed a tear, or get emotional, because I am expecting it. I am not the kind of person who shows sorrow easily. It's not because I am "male" or whatnot, I just express it in other ways. Maybe thats why, after all of these years, I am developing a serial novella, its my way of filling in the gap that will be left. Yes, she will still be a major role in my life, I will see her once a month, and I will still see her during the winter and summer, but there will be that part, the part where we met at night, where we shared intermost thoughts until 12:00 am, where she sees me work, that will not be there as it used to. I would lie to say I am thrilled about it, but I have come to accept it.

Everybody that knows about the two of us has talked to me nothing more than whats going on with the move and everything. Many ask how I feel. I usually just lower my head, close my eyes, see the vision of Erin in my head, and I tell them that I have come to terms about it. Not happy. Not at peace. Not sad. Not depressed. Just that. The initial shock of her leaving, I was harsh, and I have been blessed with someone generous enough to forgive my ways. Honestly, if someone provoked me the right way, I would do it again. I can't lie. There is that twinge of pain, that hint of sorrow, and yet, for unknown reasons, a glimmer of hope.

I can not control her life. She needs to live it according to her. It would be selfish for me to make her stay and not live her life. Honestly, I would regret that more than she would. She is actually growing up faster than most people. After this, she goes to whatever college, get a degree in her desired field, goes to work, and yes, marry some lucky sap that is most likely me. I know this has not been easy on her or anyone else involved either, but we don't live just to take things easy. I think life is meant to be a struggle all the way through, whether it be for spiritual reasons, physical reasons, or emotional reasons.

The old saying is that "if you truly love something, you will let it go". Well, here is my version of letting go. Tomorrow, our habds will part, then our bodies will be seperated by walls, then, we lose eyesight of each other. However, there is one thing I have always stressed in our relationship. I tell this to not only comfort Erin, but myself. One of my philosphies is "everytime we say goodbye, it gives us another chance to say hello". The longing, the waiting, in the end, will be worth it. I have a feeling we will make it through this better than we anticipate, but no one knows our fate, except for God. Simply put, I will miss her, and I will be expecting her back. In the end, everything else will work itself out.

In closing, I would say that most of my life has been divided up into chapters. This recent one has been from the beginning of college, until before this moment. The next one begins at the beginning of this entry, and will continue at the dropoff tomorrow. After the prelude to the chapter, then it will truly begin. Monday will be the new feel of this chapter. It might not be much different than now, which is what I pray, but nevertheless, it will be different. As stated in my first entry on here, life happens. It wouldn't be so if nothing happened. CHanges, while most suck, can bring out positive things, which I am sure this one will too.

This is the end of this chapter of my life, and as I close it, I think back to all the times, people, and events that have shaped me into the way I am at this very moment. I smile, come close to a single tear, and look forward to the time I can close the next chapter and begin anew, hopefully with her as my bride and saying "I do". I want that.

I know this isn't my usual tone on here, and I'm sorry for the mundanity of this entry, but I had planned this entry for a while, and thought it would be the best way to end my "blogathon" on here. I hope everyone knows that I love this woman. I love Erin, and I would do anything for her. Thank you for caring about the thoughts of some dude typing up letters into a text field. I don't expect any more responses from it than the usual, and I don't care. So thank you for reading this.

Next entry I might type the anatomy of Vault on here, hee!

Take care and may God bless your stuggles with passion.

The Allengator

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