Far be it for me to turn this blog into a place where I talk on a personal level and reveal my feelings, but sometimes, goshdarnit, you have to post something that is either sentimental or emo. I'm not sure what this is as it balances the fine line between both, but let me make one thing clear; this is just something I've been needing to get out there for a while and it needs to be said. This may seem like it is being referred to a certain person, but it may also apply to several people in my life. I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to say "screw this", I need to speak my mind and not keep things bottled up. I'm getting better at this and I believe it is making me a better, but probably more despised person. That being said, here is a painfully honest letter that I have yet to send to someone/some people.
Dear Ex-Best Friend,
Today I have come to a realization. Life isn't how it is shown in television or books. I know this is stating the obvious, but I am talking about more than fictional situations. Most shows you watch may have a character and that person will have that best friend who is always there to help them out or give them a hard time for being a moron. Sure, their relationship isn't perfect, but they are there for each other. I thought something like that could be obtainable, but reality is a harsh mistress indeed.
I remember when we first met. It was at a playground at an elementary school. I was walking around talking what I can admit now is a combination of advanced English and gibberish while you were also speaking some kind of alien tongue. We connected and a friendship was born. True, the main times we were able to hang out was at recess, but those times were fun. Remember when we played tetherball? Remember when we formed a special club under the monkey bars and you had to have a special card to get in? Remember talking about how awesome Super Mario Bros. and Yoshi were? It was the stuff of legend.
One day you told me you got a girlfriend and I was excited for you. I knew this meant we couldn't hang out as much as we used to, but you still made time to play dodge ball against the school wall with me. Another day further down the road you told me that she was moving and you wouldn't see her again. I pressured you into telling her goodbye and telling her how you felt. You got closure and I hoped it was the right thing at the time.
You started to come over to my house and we would play video games all day. My mom would buy snacks just for us and she would make dinner for you as well. You were just another member of the family. My mom said we were practically brothers even though you had two others and I only had a sister. I would come visit your parent's place and you would try to make me play Playstation and we would argue over the Playstation and Nintendo. I still think I'm right, but I say that as I'm staring at my PS2.
Sleepovers were the best. You sat up the tent in your room and we pretended to camp out and you tried to teach me Magic the Gathering and other mythical things. Your room had stars on the ceiling and books about dragons and other historical anomalies. It was so neat. We played Mario Kart 64 and tried hard to run into the train on the desert level saying "My baby is on the train", and lose it at 1 in the morning.
Things got shaky when your parents split up. I admit that I messed things up. I never experienced that and had no clue what to say. I tried to bridge the gap and help you out, but it didn't work. I'm sorry if I let you down. I still visited you from time to time when you moved to a different city with your mom. Even though we were miles apart, we still talked.
Then one night you called me up to tell me that you were moving back to town and we talked on the phone for hours. I told you about the good and bad teachers and how the rest of our friends were doing. It was great having you back and you also introduced me to coffee and caffeine. Words cannot express my gratitude for that.
One night I got a note from a girl. This never happened to me before, but you got it and read the note to me over the phone right before I went to work. After work I ran straight over to your place and you gave me the note and I read it over and over and called the girl with you there. If I had known the truth about everything, I would have done that completely differently.
I know we didn't have recess anymore or many classes together in high school, and I know we drifted apart then, but we still made time to work together in choir and you eventually joined jazz band. I was so proud of you. I was glad we had more time to hang out. I never got the chance to say any of this to you because I was a dumb teenager. I do regret that now.
After graduation, we went different paths. I went to college to learn how to be a professional nerd while you decided to join the military and served our country. I would send you emails never expecting a response because I know how it is over there. It was a blessing just to get a message from you, even if it was spam, because I knew you had to be alright just to send that. I prayed often for your safety and was glad to hear you made it back.
This is where memory lane starts becoming a mess. We lost contact with each other. The wall of communication was broke down. I figured you were still on duty overseas, but I came to find out from someone at work that you have been back for months. Why didn't you tell me this? I would have done everything to make it to your plane ride back. I would have talked with you and try to bring you back to the realm of the civilian. You were my brother.
After this, I tried to contact you, but never heard back. I saw you from time to time, but all we did was make small talk. You were hanging with a new crowd and had new friends. I wish I knew what I did to not be considered a close person anymore. Coincidentally, you got a job where I work at now. We would talk some more, but it just seemed off. I know you're different now, but I'm okay with that. I would love to be a part of your life again. You managed to make it over to my house a couple times after that where I showed you the charms of anime, but in the end it seemed all for naught. Is it because I don't drink or go to bars? Is it something related to the past? Is it just who I am? Is it time, or distance? I used to wonder about these things a lot, and for a while it bothered me often, but it does not anymore, at least not as much.
Since the last time you came over, you got a girlfriend, got engaged, moved out, worked opposite shifts, and also broke said engagement. I tried to message you, or email you as I don't know your number. I've tried other so-called friends just to get updates on you. Even they have stopped telling me about you or stopped talking to me altogether. When did it get to the point where I had to use other people to find out what is going on in your life? Why was my sister the one to tell me you got a job where I work at? Why did a peer from work give me the news that you came back? I want to be there for you and want to help you through hard times, but I assume you don't need me anymore, so I will just leave you.
That is why I no longer consider you my best friend. I've tried to talk with you. Surely you could have gotten one of my messages or calls. I know that television lies when they say someone from your childhood sticks by you their whole life. I would have loved that, but it isn't reality. As much as it pains me to say it, we are nothing but acquaintances now, with an interesting past that was full of childhood whimsy and adventure.
If you want that to change, then I would love to hear from you. I will always come back and help you however I can. I'm a sucker like that. I still want to believe in the basic goodness of all people. However, I don't just want to be humored or a sometimes friend. I need someone who can help me through thick or thin, can convince me to call a girl who may like me, or someone who can give me a good workout with Super Smash Bros.. I have other friends too. I know you would like them. We would love more people in our group, but you need to talk to me before we can even consider it. I have a world and wealth of information and support to give you, all you have to do is be my friend.
I post this, not because I feel I'm a victim or for attention, but because this is how I feel. I am more than a fount of information for video game music. I am more than technical support for your computer problems. I am more than a pop culture enthusiast and a nerd. I am more than a loather of my job, or a Bible studier, or a gamer, or a television fan, or just someone you work with, or someone who is a fan of anime. I am human. I want support and love. I'm far from perfect. I know I'm not the best at sharing or relating to situations. I have many flaws, but I want to be accepted. I want more than just a message now and then. I want friendship. I have some close and great friends right now, but I would always love more.
Please give this note some consideration. I don't post it to be mean or anything, but I just want you to know how much you meant to me, and that it is not too late to just knock on my door, come in to my house, and hang out. I may almost be 25, but I will never be too old to shut someone out.
Sincerely,
Allen
The Allengator
NEWS 7/24/2011 - I have started a new anime blog which can be found at http://www.animezingblog.com. Please visit it today!
Here is a link so you can email me or visit my personal website.
Now go and enjoy yourself!