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'Gator? I hardly knew her!

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Hey guys, its the Allengator here. Thank you for visiting my blog and I hope you enjoy or are entertained by what you see here. I enjoy comments and discussions, so please drop me a comment. I appreciate every non-spam one I get.

NEWS 7/24/2011 - I have started a new anime blog which can be found at http://www.animezingblog.com. Please visit it today!



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Now go and enjoy yourself!

Chuck Post-Mortem
Selecao Emblem
[info]allengator86

It was hard saying goodbye to a friend you invited to your house over the last five years, but tonight it was done.  Chuck is now over.  I know my love for the show has been well documented on here, so I will just cut to the chase of what made tonight, and the series itself, so great to me.

The mid 00's (not sure if I am hitting that decade correctly, but whatever), brought us all kinds of great television shows.  During that time three main shows ruled my life in the form of Lost, Heroes, and Chuck.  Lost was getting ready to end it's run, Heroes went off the rails a little too much and never recovered, but Chuck was always there.  Sure, the jarring reboots were not the best in television writing, but it still maintained something special.  After it ended tonight, that was it.  The last of the great shows from the mid-to-late 00's. 

Since then, no show has held a candle to Chuck.  I've tried my best to get in to shows, but so far no dice.  Grimm seems like a darker version of Pushing Daisies.  Glee got a bit to agenda-ish and big-headed for my taste.  New Girl, while good, has dropped a few pegs lately.  I've tired several times to get in to Once Upon a Time (and may still get there to help fill the void), but just can't seem to appreciate it.  Chuck just had a feel to it that compelled me to watch and root for team Bartowski every week.

Perhaps it is because, especially at first, the series spoke to me.  Chuck is a down on his luck nerd who has seemingly no luck with women, stuck in a dead end job, and has an affinity for pop culture and video games.  I could relate easily.  When the series first aired, I was Chuck Bartowski.  Watching him evolve from man-child, to man, to competent spy made me live vicariously through the show.  Ok, so I have no will to be a spy, and feel like I'm a long ways from being a "man", but it was still relatable,

The series was not perfect.  This season is probably my second least favorite season, but even at its worst it still excelled where most shows fail nowadays.  Yes, the writing was sometimes clumsy.  The plot started making little sense.  More holes in the mythology started to appear the longer it was on the air.  I didn't like the transition from plain Chuck to super spy Chuck.  The final antagonist virtually came out of nowhere.  The list can go on. 

The thing the series had that a lot of other series lack was heart.  You could tell the actors loved doing what they did.  Chuck fans were extremely passionate to keep it going for five seasons. Nearly every interview with a cast member, they would bring up the fans and thank them, and you knew they meant it.  I doubt we will see this happen to another series for a long time.  Sure, some shows have more of a following, but Chuck fans were passionate, loyal, and acted when called.  Name another series that went to the lengths that Chuck fans have gone.

Also, I would have never guessed the show would last as long as it did when it first premiered.  I would have given it maybe two seasons.  It went for five seasons.  Almost 100 episodes which would have given them syndication rights.  Who would have guessed that it would outlast Heroes in both length and number or seasons?  Heroes started off hot and when Chuck appeared on the schedule during Heroes' sophomore season, I would have never called that.  The series came back after the awful writer's strike which caused the death of other shows like Pushing Daisies.  It had partial seasons, premiered halfway into the television season, was opposite of Gossip Girl, House, and Dancing With the Stars.  Yet it survived for five seasons.  I think that in an of itself is an accomplishment.

So yes, tonight was bittersweet for me.  I will miss the little show that could.  I am still in denial about the whole thing, but I will come to accept it in due time.  Thank you Chris Fedec, Zachary Levi, and the others of the cast and crew of this incredible show.  You gave me reason to turn on my television at least once a week.  Actually, I think I misspoke there.

Chuck is the little show that did.

The Allengator

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A Way to Stop People From Speeding
Selecao Emblem
[info]allengator86
I know someone who speeds in a vehicle and wanted to take the measures to ensure this doesn't happen again.  I prevented the car from ever being started again, went to the dealership where the person bought the car and shut them down, and then tore down every billboard as well shut down the roads where the speeding happens.  Yes, it may seem like overkill, but better to cut off access for thousands of people than let one man have the opportunity to speed.  Unfortunately, this didn't work to well.

There are more than one road for someone to speed on.  I take alternate highways to work, so it was only a matter of time before my acquaintance found another road to speed on.  I promptly shut down those roads as well.  Soon, every main artery of the highway system was shut down.  However, I did not take into consideration the side roads, often dirt or gravel, like most are in Missouri, and now he speeds on those.  I don't get what I did wrong.  I shut down every major route that a regular person would choose, closed all the dealerships that dealt with individuals like him, and, yes, innocent people now have to take inconvenient methods of traveling as well as buying cars only from places that I so authorize them to.  It is a headache for everyone, but at least the speeders can be easily caught.

So I had each side road monitored.  Many people have been pulled over.  Some are people who didn't know the speed limit because they didn't see the sign.  Some are people who drive the same kind of car the speeder did.  Some bought the car from the dealership.  It doesn't matter if they bought it before the speeder was caught, it is still wrong to buy a car from there! 

Despite all of these measures, the speeder decided to go underground, through nature trails, anything to circumvent my blockades, and nothing seems to stop him from trying to bypass the laws.  I don't get it.  I monitored everything he did.  I blocked his favorite car dealerships.  I did everything in my power to keep him from speeding, but he passes me by, and all the while regular commuters are irritated with my new restrictions.

Why are my methods backfiring against me?

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Yes, I know that was a bit over the top, but I sincerely believe that this is the equivalent to either PIPA or SOPA passing.  My name is Allen, I am a website developer, and it will scare me to see these bills pass.  I am against piracy.  Nothing irritates me more than seeing years of hard work being stolen with nothing but an Internet connection.  However, these pieces of legislation will not solve the problem, and will only encourage pirates to circumvent the restrictions on the government while stifling the basic freedoms that the average Internet user has.  I think a better initiative can be passed, but it will take more than just a few special interests and media companies to do it.  Companies like Google, Wikipedia, Facebook, and other media giants need to be included for any draft of anti-piracy on the Internet.  In fact, all mediums, including television, film, the Internet, radio, and other media methods should get their say in this form of legislation.

In short, please consider pulling your support of either of these bills.  I understand that we are trying to dissolve something that is wrong, but we need to go about it in a smart way.  I truly believe there are major unintended consequences if these pass, and that will not just hurt some lackadaisical pirates, not just the average Internet user, but people like me who intend on making this their form of work and supporting their lives.  Please put an end to these flawed bills.

Thank you,

Allen
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Ketchup...Er...Catsup?...Um...Catch Up!
Selecao Emblem
[info]allengator86

Hello to the wild world of the Internet and all two of you who follow my blog on here!  It's been a long time since I last updated on here (about six months since I've done a blog entry proper on here), and quite a bit has happened.  Part of it has caused me to be away from this blog as well as my other blog, and for once I'm not going to overly complain about it.  I think this calls for a catch up session on here.  Thus the title.  Well, I also have an affinity for ketchup, but that's beside the point.

The first bit of news I am happiest about.  I have quit my old job and started a new job!  The old Baal-Mart was really getting to me both physically and mentally.  In short, I was becoming a depressed, overly-jaded elderly man when I should be feeling the energy of my so-called youth.  As much as I would love to go over the juicy details of my departure, I will talk about it some.  My last day involved a couple of bro-hugs.  I said "bye" to people who didn't realize I was leaving.  I also left mutually.  Unfortunately, as much as they have screwed me and my family and friends over, I still had to have this friggin' "nice guy" act.  People have been telling me far and wide that I'm a "nice guy" lately.  I do try, but my question is "when will my day come?"  Nice guys need a wife to procreate with too!

Handing in my two weeks was probably my best moment ever.  I felt emancipated after handing the three sentence letter to lower management.  What made it sweeter was that it was to my assistant and his immediate underling manager.  Two birds with one stone.  I handed the letter, told him "this is my two weeks" and walked off before he could tell me he wouldn't take it.  It was liberating, and for the first time the world was brighter and birds were chirping where I worked.  Now this may partially be because they just installed new lighting and a bird was on the loose (and pooping all over the place I may add), but I would like to think it was the freedom ringing in my heart.

Now of course I wouldn't have left without locating new work.  This is a funny story...well, for me at least.  After spending over a year securing work and going through grueling interviews and painful job fairs, I landed me a job at an insurance company doing maintenance work on their legacy systems on an outdated programming language.  It was a contracting position that was supposed to be "long-term".  No benefits, paid vacation, taxes, or sick days.  I asked the chances of securing regular full-time employment, and they said that could take some time.  I was fine with that, because it was still a sight better than being yelled at by a man who just comes up to my nipples.  Then I got a call from another place with a similar offer, except they claim to have a more concrete plan.  They wanted to hire me as a contractor for a few months, then pursue full-time employment if things worked out.  I had classes with a couple of guys there and most are graduates from the same college.  They used more up-to-date software, but were a much smaller operation.  I decided to go with them, because 1) It wasn't insurance (I would have to take classes on insurance and government regulations...ick!) and 2) They seemed to be a more tight-knitted group of people.  In the end, I hope I made the right choice.  I'm still in the contract "grace period", but I really hope to be a full-fledged member of the team.  If I don't, which is always a possibility, I can at least say I have valuable experience in the field now.  I have learned so much in the past few weeks it isn't funny.

What I like about the job is that it is in the field I studied for, I don't have to deal with over-bearing managers who annoy the snot out of me, and I don't have to deal with John Doe, the hillbilly who carries a shotgun with him everywhere as a customer.  I have been getting some much needed validation and genuine appreciation for what I do.  A job hasn't provided the satisfaction I now have like this one has.  I'm happier, less depressed, and can hold my head up high.  My class reunion will say Allengator is a Programmer instead of a peon at Baal-Mart.  Not that there is anything wrong, but I am smart, and I have gotten an education, and I can do so much more than serve for people I could beat three times over on an IQ test.  I'm not getting full of myself, but it feels better when the CEO of a company is someone who actually works and knows a ton more than you do.

But enough about that.  My personal life has changed some too.  First, I've been trying to be more spontaneous and brave with what I do.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to bars or clubs, perish the thought.  I mean I am doing things I kept telling myself to do, but never got the motivation for.  I became friends with a really neat person, and she has pushed me to try new things and get myself out there more.  Now when I see a place that catches my eye, I will usually check it out.  I am no longer curious about the arcade.  When a place catches my eye, I say "why not" and go for it.  I wish I could be that brave with women, but I'm getting there.  The guys I work with have taken me to places I haven't been to before.  It's helped me get out of the rut I've been in lately.  I'm still in a rut in a way, but I have options to go after now. 

Unfortunately, my love life is nothing to write about right now.  I went on a lunch date with a girl a few months ago, but that has been about it.  I'm still looking for love, but it seems to be taking its sweet little time getting over here.  Maybe I already know my future wife.  Maybe she is still out there.  Only the future holds the answer, and it is being the proverbial bully, lording the key just barely out of my reach.  The future is probably a basketball star or Asian.

My hobbies are varied now too.  Spending more time at work has caused me to barely keep up with the shows I like that are on TV now, let alone any extra ones, like anime, or time to play games.  I have recently acquired all of Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, Spice and Wolf, the two Evangelion movies, Baka and Test, Squid Girl, and Fairy Tail lately.  There aren't a ton on the horizon that I want to get, aside from more Fairy Tail and Madoka Magica.  I need to get more involved again, but I am still transitioning to my new job, and if the rest of the crew is any indication, my free time may be coming to a close soon.  I hope to keep my life compartmentalized like I have been to so far.  I need my down time between shifts at work.  I need my mindless television, my time with friends and family.  I hope I can keep some semblance of that in the future.  Only time will tell.

As for blogging, there is no way I am going to be returning to the update regimen I used to have.  I can barely tolerate coming home to type in front of a computer after spending 8+ hours typing in front of a computer.  Plus, I have my other blog that I need to update again, which keeps my interests more.  My life is less interesting and I have less to blog about since I am out of soap opera city now.  I also have less time to dedicate to the blog.  Just don't be surprised if you don't hear from me much for the near future.  I will blog some again, it just may be a while.  Keep your RSS feeds or eyes on this blog and you may be surprised with an entry again in the future.  Maybe around the holiday season when I get more days off.

Until then, keep everything frosty!

The Allengator

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New Anime Blog - Take 2
Selecao Emblem
[info]allengator86
The blog has been changed to http://www.animezingblog.com. Please update the link and join in the fun!

The Allengator
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My New Anime Blog
Selecao Emblem
[info]allengator86
Hey guys!

I am not ending the hiatus on here just yet, but I wanted to link you to a new blog I am starting solely dedicated to anime, since it is probably my main hobby now. You can find my anime blog at http://www.animeblog.allenspalace.com. I am not giving up on here just yet. I would like to keep this blog for other nerd stuff as well as a personal reflection area. I am still having a hard time of finding things to talk about with people in real life let alone on here, so the hiatus will be continuing for a while longer, sorry. Again, I plan on updating here again sometime in the future, I just don't have a time table for that. Expect to find more activity on my other blog for now.

The Allengator
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Hiatus Time - Be Back Later
Selecao Emblem
[info]allengator86
As you can tell, I'm sucking at this blogging thing even though I have blogged for almost a decade now. Free time is simply a luxury I don't have for the time being. Work is being asinine with the scheduling and most of my days off I'm busy either hanging with some friends or working on an app. That's right. I'm developing an app of some kind if I can get the stupid emulator to work. Its mostly because of my lappy and how it has both a poor graphics card as well as a low cpu and memory.

My anime watching has been stagnant lately. The only new series I have to talk about is Death Note. I do plan on watching the rest of Clannad After Story and the upcoming Baka and Test as well as more Sgt Frog and the last part of Durarara. Part of the reason I am not watching as much new stuff is because I think I have found about as many series as I can enjoy and there isn't a whole lot coming out of Japan that I care for. This doesn't mean I have dropped anime as a hobby, but I don't get as much as I used to. That is probably due to me just discovering it a few years ago and trying to catch up on what series I can. There are a few more coming out in the future, but it won't be for a few months. Hopefully there will be more awesome announcements at Otakon and Anime Expo.

There isn't much else for me to say. I am still seeking a job in the computer field and still don't seem to be going anywhere. My current job makes me feel like crap and even though I work myself to the point of pure exhaustion, it still isn't good enough. I sometimes wish karma was real because at this rate I should be a billionaire and they would be demoted to the lowest position possible. Ok, that wasn't nice, but it pales in comparison to how they make me feel on a daily basis.

Still single and looking. So if you know anyone...but truth be told I haven't been as worried about that lately because I'm trying much harder to better myself in society. Since I have such little free time, there would not be enough time for me to juggle a love life as well. I'm not saying that I wouldn't accept a relationship now, but I have other things to sort out.

So since my life and interests have become more or less stagnant, I am going to take a break from blogging because I'm sure my boredom would not interest anyone. I will be back, don't worry, but it may take some time. I just don't have anything interesting to add to the interwebs right now and I need to focus more on advancing my life further. I don't know how long I will be away or when I will catch the blogging bug again, but this is just temporary. Please check back or add me to your feed aggregators and you will be updated on when I..er...update. Until later, farewell for now my LJ and anonymous readers.

The Allengator
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My Personal Funimation Blog
Selecao Emblem
[info]allengator86
For some anime-ness, check out my new digs at the Funimation beta http://beta.funimation.com/user/allengator. I will be re-posting some of my old reviews, new reviews, and maybe some other stuff that may not appear on here. I will still be posting here too, but I like to keep this more as a variety/personal blog than a strict anime one.

Also, I've been noticing a huge spike in spam comments lately. I have had to resort to captcha and screening all non-member comments but I am beginning to think I need to make the comments "LJers only" to get rid of 95% of them. Its been a pain to constantly go to my inbox and hit "delete, delete, delete" on all this spam. It's not quite as easy as that but it's annoying. If I don't see a drop in these soon then I will have to resort to both complaining to the LJ management and changing the comments settings which I really don't want to do, but it may have to be done. I just hope this whole mess can be taken care of.

Digimon 2 complaints coming soon!

The Allengator
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Coming Soon: 50 Reasons Digimon Series 2 Sucked
Selecao Emblem
[info]allengator86
Digimon is probably the first actual anime series I ever watched many years ago. I've never had cable or satelite, so I had to make do with what was on local stations. Pokemon was popular, but I never got to see the show because the station that aired it was not available in my area.

The first series of Digimon, Digimon Adventure, was the show I had to wake up early to watch. The arcs kept a kid on the edge of his seat and the development of the characters was interesting to watch. I would talk to my friends who also watched it and we would talk about what direction the series would go and so forth.

When I heard there were more episodes coming out that was going to continue the storyline of the first series, I was ecstatic. I remember the morning the first episode was going to premier and was hoping for more awesome adventures. What I got instead was a slight slap in the face and a weekly punishment of new episodes of series 2.

After this series, I more or less gave up on Digimon. I saw a few episodes of Tamers, but my vision of Digimon was ruined because of the second series.

Recently, I rewatched both the first and second series as well as Tamers and in my opinion, Tamers and Adventure 1 constantly struggle as my favorite series of Digimon while Adventure 02 remains a distant third. I have not seen the fourth, fifth, or the currently airing sixth series, but just the descriptions of those turn me off. But I am sure if I were to watch them, I may rank some of them higher than Adventure 02.

So in honor of the 10 year anniversary of Adventure 02, I am going to do probably an audioblog series explaining my top 50 gripes with the series. I have the list and tried my best not to make it about translation errors or dubbing issues, but with the actual plot of the series. Some of them may seem nitpicky, but all of these problems aggravated the youngster inside of me. So I hope you look forward to this series, coming to this blog, soon!

The Allengator
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Dear Ex-Best Friend
Selecao Emblem
[info]allengator86
Far be it for me to turn this blog into a place where I talk on a personal level and reveal my feelings, but sometimes, goshdarnit, you have to post something that is either sentimental or emo. I'm not sure what this is as it balances the fine line between both, but let me make one thing clear; this is just something I've been needing to get out there for a while and it needs to be said. This may seem like it is being referred to a certain person, but it may also apply to several people in my life. I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to say "screw this", I need to speak my mind and not keep things bottled up. I'm getting better at this and I believe it is making me a better, but probably more despised person. That being said, here is a painfully honest letter that I have yet to send to someone/some people.

Dear Ex-Best Friend,

Today I have come to a realization. Life isn't how it is shown in television or books. I know this is stating the obvious, but I am talking about more than fictional situations. Most shows you watch may have a character and that person will have that best friend who is always there to help them out or give them a hard time for being a moron. Sure, their relationship isn't perfect, but they are there for each other. I thought something like that could be obtainable, but reality is a harsh mistress indeed.

I remember when we first met. It was at a playground at an elementary school. I was walking around talking what I can admit now is a combination of advanced English and gibberish while you were also speaking some kind of alien tongue. We connected and a friendship was born. True, the main times we were able to hang out was at recess, but those times were fun. Remember when we played tetherball? Remember when we formed a special club under the monkey bars and you had to have a special card to get in? Remember talking about how awesome Super Mario Bros. and Yoshi were? It was the stuff of legend.

One day you told me you got a girlfriend and I was excited for you. I knew this meant we couldn't hang out as much as we used to, but you still made time to play dodge ball against the school wall with me. Another day further down the road you told me that she was moving and you wouldn't see her again. I pressured you into telling her goodbye and telling her how you felt. You got closure and I hoped it was the right thing at the time.

You started to come over to my house and we would play video games all day. My mom would buy snacks just for us and she would make dinner for you as well. You were just another member of the family. My mom said we were practically brothers even though you had two others and I only had a sister. I would come visit your parent's place and you would try to make me play Playstation and we would argue over the Playstation and Nintendo. I still think I'm right, but I say that as I'm staring at my PS2.

Sleepovers were the best. You sat up the tent in your room and we pretended to camp out and you tried to teach me Magic the Gathering and other mythical things. Your room had stars on the ceiling and books about dragons and other historical anomalies. It was so neat. We played Mario Kart 64 and tried hard to run into the train on the desert level saying "My baby is on the train", and lose it at 1 in the morning.

Things got shaky when your parents split up. I admit that I messed things up. I never experienced that and had no clue what to say. I tried to bridge the gap and help you out, but it didn't work. I'm sorry if I let you down. I still visited you from time to time when you moved to a different city with your mom. Even though we were miles apart, we still talked.

Then one night you called me up to tell me that you were moving back to town and we talked on the phone for hours. I told you about the good and bad teachers and how the rest of our friends were doing. It was great having you back and you also introduced me to coffee and caffeine. Words cannot express my gratitude for that.

One night I got a note from a girl. This never happened to me before, but you got it and read the note to me over the phone right before I went to work. After work I ran straight over to your place and you gave me the note and I read it over and over and called the girl with you there. If I had known the truth about everything, I would have done that completely differently.

I know we didn't have recess anymore or many classes together in high school, and I know we drifted apart then, but we still made time to work together in choir and you eventually joined jazz band. I was so proud of you. I was glad we had more time to hang out. I never got the chance to say any of this to you because I was a dumb teenager. I do regret that now.

After graduation, we went different paths. I went to college to learn how to be a professional nerd while you decided to join the military and served our country. I would send you emails never expecting a response because I know how it is over there. It was a blessing just to get a message from you, even if it was spam, because I knew you had to be alright just to send that. I prayed often for your safety and was glad to hear you made it back.

This is where memory lane starts becoming a mess. We lost contact with each other. The wall of communication was broke down. I figured you were still on duty overseas, but I came to find out from someone at work that you have been back for months. Why didn't you tell me this? I would have done everything to make it to your plane ride back. I would have talked with you and try to bring you back to the realm of the civilian. You were my brother.

After this, I tried to contact you, but never heard back. I saw you from time to time, but all we did was make small talk. You were hanging with a new crowd and had new friends. I wish I knew what I did to not be considered a close person anymore. Coincidentally, you got a job where I work at now. We would talk some more, but it just seemed off. I know you're different now, but I'm okay with that. I would love to be a part of your life again. You managed to make it over to my house a couple times after that where I showed you the charms of anime, but in the end it seemed all for naught. Is it because I don't drink or go to bars? Is it something related to the past? Is it just who I am? Is it time, or distance? I used to wonder about these things a lot, and for a while it bothered me often, but it does not anymore, at least not as much.

Since the last time you came over, you got a girlfriend, got engaged, moved out, worked opposite shifts, and also broke said engagement. I tried to message you, or email you as I don't know your number. I've tried other so-called friends just to get updates on you. Even they have stopped telling me about you or stopped talking to me altogether. When did it get to the point where I had to use other people to find out what is going on in your life? Why was my sister the one to tell me you got a job where I work at? Why did a peer from work give me the news that you came back? I want to be there for you and want to help you through hard times, but I assume you don't need me anymore, so I will just leave you.

That is why I no longer consider you my best friend. I've tried to talk with you. Surely you could have gotten one of my messages or calls. I know that television lies when they say someone from your childhood sticks by you their whole life. I would have loved that, but it isn't reality. As much as it pains me to say it, we are nothing but acquaintances now, with an interesting past that was full of childhood whimsy and adventure.

If you want that to change, then I would love to hear from you. I will always come back and help you however I can. I'm a sucker like that. I still want to believe in the basic goodness of all people. However, I don't just want to be humored or a sometimes friend. I need someone who can help me through thick or thin, can convince me to call a girl who may like me, or someone who can give me a good workout with Super Smash Bros.. I have other friends too. I know you would like them. We would love more people in our group, but you need to talk to me before we can even consider it. I have a world and wealth of information and support to give you, all you have to do is be my friend.

I post this, not because I feel I'm a victim or for attention, but because this is how I feel. I am more than a fount of information for video game music. I am more than technical support for your computer problems. I am more than a pop culture enthusiast and a nerd. I am more than a loather of my job, or a Bible studier, or a gamer, or a television fan, or just someone you work with, or someone who is a fan of anime. I am human. I want support and love. I'm far from perfect. I know I'm not the best at sharing or relating to situations. I have many flaws, but I want to be accepted. I want more than just a message now and then. I want friendship. I have some close and great friends right now, but I would always love more.

Please give this note some consideration. I don't post it to be mean or anything, but I just want you to know how much you meant to me, and that it is not too late to just knock on my door, come in to my house, and hang out. I may almost be 25, but I will never be too old to shut someone out.

Sincerely,

Allen

The Allengator
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These Are the Geniuses That I Live Around
Selecao Emblem
[info]allengator86
When I was in high school, we had a police officer come in and do a lecture about driving because we were getting close to the age of getting a permit. It was like a sex ed class, a coming of age time at school. Three main events consist of the coming of age events here: sex education, hunter's safety, and the driving lecture. Since this is in a small town, it was given by the same officer who teaches D.A.R.E., the drug prevention program. It's odd growing up with a guy who told you to stay away from pot and alcohol to now tell you that speeding at any time is a traffic offense. I'll admit, when I saw him all I could think of was "pot is bad", though that is not nearly as awkward as learning both hunter's safety and safe sex from your gym teacher.

So here is the office, of course in his uniform as this was...er...official(?) policing business. I noted how humorous it was that the kids seem to be on heightened alert because they think he is in there to do a drug inspection. There I go about the drugs again. He told us the dangers of multitasking while driving (this is right before the texting boom) by playing with our radios or drinking something. Never drink, mess with the radio, talk on a phone, make out, scratch yourself, stretch, yawn, or take off your clothes while driving. Keep that last point in mind. While the talk was informative, it was just a rehash of driver's ed.

After he ended about all the things that could potentially kill us in a fiery car wreck, he made the mistake of asking us if we had any questions about the law or situations they have seen. Immediately a ton of hands went in the air. He certainly has his work cut out for him. The first question, sadly, was not a sign of things to come as it was a fairly smart question with an interesting answer. It went downhill so far after that.

Keep in mind that I live in a fairly small town in Missouri which, sad to say the stereotype is correct, is mostly made up of rednecks or farm people who have driven a truck since the age of 9. Now put these stereotypes in a time machine and make your adult redneck a young teenager. We are talking bad questions that either weren't thought out too well or are meant to be "funny".

Sure, they started off innocent enough, but the relative IQ dropped with "Is it illegal to drive a car without shoes on?". The officer, who I know has seen a lot of things, said it wasn't against the law to drive barefooted, but that it was not a good idea because the foot doesn't provide as good friction on a pedal like a shoe does, and it would be uncomfortable. It was a solid answer for a numskull question. The next was when they were scraping the bottom of the barrel. "Is it illegal to drive naked?". Yes. We were teenagers with real hormones and aside from stumbling across the "secret stash" of stuff in your house, all we could do is think about the joy of riding without restrictive clothes. This is when laughter started in the room and we were given the "evil be silent or suffer with an essay" look from our English teacher.

Thankfully the officer has been policing in our community for a good number of years, so he probably knows our parents and their habits, as well as the overall maturity of our fine townspeople. He said "It is not illegal to drive naked, but if we pull you over and have to give you a sobriety test, realize it will be in public where people will see you." This sent the brilliant minds to thinking of the next insane question as well as a wave of laughter across the room. An essay was guaranteed at this point so we showed no mercy. (And by we I mean them because I was sitting there with my head in arms in pure shame.) Next was "Is it illegal to ride in the back of a truck tied up and naked". What kind of event were these numskulls planning? "Can we hunt in our truck?" Do they mean pedestrian hunting because I want to chip in my response to that question. We had penetrated the bottom of the barrel and have started to dig through concrete bedrock with a toothpick as a chisel.

More questions ensued. Finally, he said he had time for one more question, probably so he could run away and regain his sanity. With several hours of punishment before us, we knew this would be the last chance we got to ask a real life officer of the law a real question about real traffic law. How about turning right on red? What about safe snow driving tactics? No, this question was hopefully going to penetrate into the molten hot core of the hole we have dug. Remember when I talked about sex ed? It would not take a genius to know the next question asked. "Is is against the law to be naked while performing sex in your car?" We had finally reached singularity in the absurdness of our question. Flummoxed by our juvenile inanity, he simply said, "Actually, nearly everything you asked me is illegal. Please don't do any of that. Laws will be passed." Our teacher sheepishly thanked him for putting up with us.

And that is why I'm not a huge fan of hanging out with the general population of the area. You think people mature, and some do, but for the most part there seems to be a drought of reason in these parts and it scares me to death.

Just remind me to talk about the questions that popped up in sex ed. The only thing more disturbing than the pictures were the kids looking at them.

The Allengator
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